Momma

It’s been just over a month, but already too long. I talk to you daily. I ask you questions and I wonder what you would say. Every day. Every day I want to call you, ask for your advise, your opinion, tell you about something that happened or what the kids are up to. I’ve reached for my phone so many times, to text you or to catch a moment that I think you’d enjoy, but then I remember you’re no longer there on the other side to see my messages or the photos, to tell me what to do or make a comment about how quickly my kids are growing.

I miss you. I miss you and I want you back. You once said to me, “Don’t get mad, but you do know that I’m your best friend?”. I was shocked that you thought I would get upset, or that you thought that I didn’t think that as well. Of course I knew you were my best friend. There was no one else in the world that I enjoyed being with more, trusted more with my secrets or who I felt more comfortable and safe with.

I have my kids now, but they don’t fill the void. It’s like you all have pieces inside my heart, and their pieces cannot cross over to fill the one that you left.

I’ve wanted to write this for you every day since you left, but I could never bring myself to do it. It felt like it would solidify everything, like I would be giving up on you and admitting defeat. But today, I feel like I need to do something for you. I felt lost all day. Like I should be doing something or forgetting something or I was letting you down. Like how I would feel if I had forgotten your birthday. But I was helpless, because I couldn’t just pick up the phone and say “Happy birthday mommy! Sorry I forgot, but I’ll make it up to you now!”.

I miss you momma. I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I’m sorry I left your side that first night, when you were still able to talk. You were sleeping, but I should have stayed so we could have talked in the morning. By the time I got back, it was too late.

I’m sorry you were in pain, and I didn’t push the doctors harder to find out why. We all assumed it was the cancer.

I’m sorry for anytime that I may have made you feel lesser, for every time I hurt you or disregarded what you were feeling. For not understanding or being short with you. For not giving you more hugs and for not saying I love you everyday.

I love you momma. I miss you and I want you back. 

Compounding Failure

 

Yesterday I read a comment on Facebook by a man I don’t know on the opposite side of the fence. He ended his comment with something along the lines of “if we had just pulled together at the beginning of this it would be behind us by now”.

I found it very eye opening. I disagreed with and found fault in everything this man wrote and stands for, except for this last line. That exact logic is what I’ve been thinking this whole time. If we could have all just banded together to protect each other at the beginning then we could have defeated this insanity by now.

It’s crazy how the exact same line of thinking can lead to such different conclusions. I always thought that different lines of thinking could lead to the same conclusion, but this is new.

It’s definitely made me think. Definitely has not altered my beliefs and opinions, but made me think of the humans on the other side. I would love to have an open discussion, be able to poke their minds with a stick and allow them to do the same to me, however I am reluctant, for each time I have tried to open that door I’ve been met with hostility or just shut out, blocked and dismissed. Once bitten…

What is my opinion? I get the feelings of those other people. I don’t deny that there are many good points being made; suicide rates, divorce rates, the affect this madness is having on children. I’m living through this too, I see my kids struggling, missing out on experiences with others their age, falling behind developmentally and socially. I see a gap forming between my husband and I. But, I also believe that a single life that can be saved is worth the future struggles I will face. Money is of no value when it comes to the lives of my children and my family, and therefore should be of no value when it comes to the life of a stranger. That stranger also has people who love them as much as I love my children. 

As to the rest? I also believe we, WE, are failing as a whole to both properly address how to handle this situation and the fallout of it. Throwing money at people is no solution. People need real help, resources and support. And not everything should be left to the government; we need to step up as individuals as much as they do. And that is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Behind every provincial and federal decision are people. Yes, just like you and me, faults and all.

A dialogue needs to be properly opened, but with current events things are so heated, becoming volatile, I have little hope anyone would be receptive.

I Connected Two Dots

I haven’t been vocal about it, but I am struggling with my engagement badly. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I have been trying to find a root cause, and although on the surface I seem to have several legitimate, out of my control reasons (two are named Sydney and Carter, another is called lack of sleep) I knew intuitively that these were not the root cause, just additional factors.

Thing is, although I have more days now that I cannot attend classes, I don’t feel the struggle is in my physical presence. I can honestly say I attend every class that I can. I engage in every class I attend. I give my everything to each class I teach, for better or worse.

I’m struggling mentally and emotionally. Your first reaction is Covid. Well, yes. Like my kids, that is a factor but no, not the root cause. I feel that I have the foundation and mental fortitude to endure this pandemic. Not unscathed, but endure. 

Why the struggle then?

I have some situations in my private life that I know are affecting me mentally, and as a result I am withdrawing. Not the best action, but it is occurring none the less. But that is my private life and has nothing to do with my Kung Fu life.

Or does it? Or more accurately, does it affect it?

Yes. Don’t ask my why I didn’t see this before because now it seems so obvious. I am withdrawing from certain aspects in my life. Of course I’m going to withdraw from other aspects as well. It’s not like I can turn off and on my withdrawal, or more specifically turn off and on my mental and emotional funk. I’m seeing the issues I’m dealing with starting to manifest everywhere, and therefore I have to assume that I am the common factor and not that I’m just so unlucky as to be bombarded by the same issue on multiple fronts.

I’ve connected these dots, and now I can start to see a way out of it.

Calculus & Climate Change

Each student is on a path, and where and how that path is laid out is what determines how far they will go in their training.

The thing is, determining our trajectory is more difficult than many believe. You cannot just sit down and work it out like calculus. It is determined by not only where we are, but where we came from and where we are going. A good, hard look at ourselves today is only a snapshot, a single point on a graph that spans our entire career.

Crazy as this sounds, we want our trajectory to be like global warming. It will start out gentle, under the radar. But we want to hit a point where our skill and knowledge starts accumulating, building up and becoming its own catalyst. 

But, like climate change, a single snapshot will not give us the full picture. It seems to be panning out to an average September day today. Looking at that, there is no indication that a catastrophic change in climate is taking place. Each day will have its ups and downs, some cooler and some warmer. Some downright hot or blistering cold. However overall the changes are undeniable; temperatures are moving at an upward trajectory at an increasingly rapid pace.

This is what our training needs to look like. There will to be days that feel like you’re moving backwards. There will be days where you feel like Edison with 10,000 failed attempts. And there should be days when you feel like Edison during that one successful attempt and the world lights up around you.

No matter what, each student has a trajectory. However, if you are not consistently checking and measuring, revisiting and fortifying your training, you will not have a clear idea of what that trajectory is, nor how to influence it.

Julius

Today I will be saying goodbye to a good friend, Julius. He’s young but I know it is for the best and I’m sure he will thrive in his new home.

Julius is a mandrin tree seeding. 

It brings me joy to be able to give to others. I look at my Oma’s beautiful hoya plant and feel the urge to spread her into as many homes as I can as a way to honour my Oma’s memory. A baby from the Kwoon’s resident spider plant has found a homesite a student, in a pot from my Oma. Twofold, my Oma and my Kwoon in one little air purifying bundle. I could have squirrelled him away and given one of the two others I have in non sentimental pots, but it meant more to me to give that one away.

Today I am also reminded of my husbands father, who passed away when Nick was barely an adult. As I’m pulling up the subfloor in the kitchen I see his handiwork. Solid oak hardwood, saved from a demolished school gymnasium and given a second chance in this home. Unfortunately it is not salvageable as the water damage we are trying to rectify is significant.

The generosity I’ve been shown today from friends aware of our situation is overwhelming. If karma is a thing, it is a strange thing. A seedling is nothing in comparison to what we have been offered. What did I do that would warrant it?

But, maybe I’m thinking about this wrong. Maybe it is less about the receiving of a seeding. Maybe the positive karma received lies in the giving. I am happy to give Julius away. I have gained from that experience. 

Marettes vs. Bread

My husband was talking to me about a couple of his apprentices tonight. He’s an electrician, for reference, working at a new company for the first time in 20 years. One apprentice works hard, approaches Nick (my husband) when he doesn’t know what to do, ask questions but doesn’t question, and picks up a broom when he’s waiting for direction. The other is there just to pass the time. Nick is constantly frustrated when he comes home because this guy doesn’t want to learn, he wants to prove. He proclaimed today that he’s got enough hours that now he can challenge the test, get his journeyman ticket and therefore he’ll be owed a raise and a truck. The first guy, the one who will push a broom when he’s waiting instead of checking his phone, is also technically eligible for his journeyman but he doesn’t want to take the test. He told my husband he wants to spend a couple more years as a fourth year because he knows how much he doesn’t know. 

And there’s the difference. Just as there is a difference in the frame of mind between these two apprentices, there is a difference in the frame of mind between someone in the martial arts and a martial artist. Between a student that wants black and a student that is earning black. You can’t just do it, you have to do right by it. It’s the difference between a job and a career, but take it one step further; it’s the difference between a career and a lifestyle.

And it’s a sexy lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to be able to say “yeah, I’m a martial artist”? 

It’s like baking bread. A pinch of salt, some sugar. But, there are key components that differentiate between boom and bust. 

Putting in the time is a part of it. Doing the reps is also a part. But expecting to be promoted because you’ve put in the time and did your reps, it’s like this guy who said pay me more because I’ve done my time and twisted my marettes. No dude, you have to earn it. You earn it by being a great electrician.

Uncle Ben said it best. “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Anyone who plans on grading for a black belt, current or future, you better ask yourself if you’re really ready. Not just in hours training. You will hold the future of Kung Fu in your hands. You will colour it for everyone who came before you. You will define it for every soul who comes after you. You have this incredible, fragile, vulnerable and trusting creature in your hands, that somehow has survived for two thousand years. Are you protecting it the way it deserves?

Humility. Honesty. Respect. This is the flour, water and leaven in the bread. 

I am humble enough to admit that no, I am not giving this beautiful creature the protection and respect it deserves. But you know damn well that I am trying. Every minute of every day, I try. I believe that is why I am where I am, and more importantly who I am.

I often fail. Ego may rear its ugly head from time to time as I offer a reason or excuse, but deep down I know I just need to do better and I also know that my instructors and mentors know this too. I cannot try to talk away my failures. What a slap in the face to my mentors, to have them give me their time and experience only for me to say “yeah, I know, but” like I know better?? 

As it’s been so eloquently put by others, I will acknowledge my failures, do my best to learn from them, and let them go. Don’t just move on, move forward. 

My Favourite Spot

 My gut reaction was my bed. Because sleep is like a friend I can never see enough of. We’re in the twitter-pated stage always, infatuated with each other on a constant basis. 

Second to this would be my side yard. I specify that because the front yard has gone to the dogs (literally). But my side yard has gone from junk yard (again, literally) full of engine and car pieces to a green gardeny bliss.

Post 2 minutes- thanks ladies for these challenges!! Makes one realize how easy it actually is to find something to write about.