Oi.

In a recent post I mentioned that I'm going to try to focus my blog more on my own training. Here's my first attempt.

Despite the fact that I love our classes and I love training with everyone, I still feel awkward performing. I know that classes are not performances, but working on my form with so many people in the room is, to me, along the same line. It's not anxiety, public performances don't make me nervous (maybe a little), they make me self conscious. Yes, I know these feelings are in the same family, but they're not the same to me. And yes, I am fully aware that every other individual in the room is in the exact same boat, but it doesn't change the problem. If I'm working on something at home and Nick walks in the room, I stop. If I'm working on spear or stick or spade in my yard and someone drives by I stop. If there is another soul within sight and I'm working on my own thing, I stop. I have a block that I'm trying very hard to work past, but its big. It's why so few of you have ever seen me working on my own stuff, and its why I don't go to open training. I know I won't get much accomplished. I don't mind getting feedback (although asking for it is hard) but its like I'm scared someone will see my thought process. I'd rather people see the end result first, I guess to make sure it's acceptable before I'm judged on how I got there.

Such a bad mentality, I know. The whole point of the I Ho Chuan is to pursue mastery publicly, for the benefit of myself and the school. But oi, its rough. Doesn't matter how many words of encouragement I hear, I have this issue. And it sucks.

Hi! Bye!

Hey all, quick not to say I'm still around, super busy at work and will post something more substantial over the weekend. Quick kudo's to everyone involved in the banquet, congrats to Sifu Robinson, Sifu Regier, Sifu's Stoddart, Masterson & Wonsiak and Sihing Langner. We're all still alive! Yay!

How to Fit Multiple Lions, a Dragon, a Skinny Buddah and a Snake on Stage

Even though I'm not one of the ones getting a black belt, I'm super stoked for this Saturday. There is a definite buzz around the kwoon right now, a tangible feeling of excitement and nervousness. I think its a good combination.

I think this year is going to be something special. It's the first year for this I Ho Chuan format, it's the first year we have demonstrations beyond the kids and candidates. It's also the first year four of us plan to lose our hair (yup, nervous feeling here). I'm not entirely sure how Sifu Brinker plans on fitting everything into one evening, including a 20 minute dragon/lion dance complete with a(spoiler warning) milk crate.

I'm happy. Although my brother used to be in Kung Fu, he's been out of it for so long I don't think he remembers what its all about. He'll be there with his wife and kids (who I hope to lure into classes with the amazing stuff that'll happen that night) along with Nick, my parents and my (technically Nicks) aunt and uncle. I have a decent entourage for the night, bigger even than the one I had for my own black belt promotion. Yay! I get to share the night with everyone I care about! Double yay! Look ma, I'm on stage! Look pa, I'm getting beat with a bokken! Look bro, death by rope dart! What else can a girl ask for?

Bruised knuckles and pulled muscles ain't got nuthin' on me!

Snakes & Snails....

Its a new year, but so far it doesn't feel like it. We still have the banquet we're working toward, and I'm a bit scared about afterwards, how do I keep my focus when I don't have an immediate goal ahead of me. Sifu Brinker told me my downfall was my lack of focus in my own training, so this is something I'm going to try to keep in front of me in the following months.

Many of my personal goals did not change, either because they are still a work in progress or because I didn't manage them last year. They are-

Master Tai Chi (continued)
1000 reps Monks Spade (continue to develop the form)
1000 reps of Cane
Learn Sign Language (continued)
Take my mom on a Tandem Skydive

Increase my presence in Onoway (continued) including arranging and performing demos (2).

Work on acknowledging when I’m wrong and apologize when it is appropriate. I’m stubborn, opinionated and I do have a temper- I try very hard already not to press or influence others, however it does happen and I’m horrible at admitting when I’m wrong. Record.

Start a weekly art journal. I used to be very artistic, wish I still was. At the same time I want to try to incorporate the idea of a gratitude journal & focus the art on this.

Reduce the amount of coffee I drink and restrict it to 1 cup a day (tea doesn’t count!) Additionally, increase the amount of water to a minimum of 2L a day.

Define the goal of each technique in the curriculum.


Most of these are going to take quite a bit of time and quite a bit of work. I started the art journal, but have not kept it up- well, starting today I have to. Making my mom jump out of a plane may prove difficult. I'm already having difficulties cutting out coffee, and its only day 2! I love that stuff so much!

As for my Tai Chi, I have not attended classes in the last couple weeks. Weekend mornings have been the only time lately that Nick and I can just sit and relax together, so I made the decision to prioritize this time I have with him and thus Tai Chi classes didn't happen. After this week, my time at home will increase again and therefore Tai Chi classes will be on the table again. At the start of the third part, my mom will rejoin me in classes. This is one way for me to focus on my own training.

This round, I want to focus on me and my training and use the team as a support structure instead of what I did last year, which was focus on the team and leave my own training in the dust.

Side note- I'm taking my mom to Mexico in March. Just the two of us. Yay!

Secondary side note- abs and pecs and arms and shoulders burning so good today! 1000 p/u and s/u yesterday is a nice boost for a new year.

Trust the Process

I know you are all well aware, we are hitting a very critical time in our year. I have been striving to find the balance between pushing the team forward and keeping motivation at a high, and I am fully aware that there is some resistance from several members. I want to address this.

No one is asking you to choose between your health, family, job, well being or Kung Fu. I'm asking you to choose all of the above. We all have been putting in long hours, but in the end every hour you dedicate will show through, just as every hour you don't will show through. This is a personal choice. If you do not want to spend long hours at the studio, perfecting your technique, then don't. That's your prerogative. But, I ask you this- what were you looking for when you signed up for the I Ho Chuan? The journey was never meant to be easy, never meant to be all smooth road. If it was, then there would be no value in it. The effort you put into this program will directly correspond with what you get out of it in return. In the end, its your choice.

I think I've seen more of the candidates in recent months than I have my own husband. Definitely more than my family or friends. But you know what? I don't regret a second. The time I have with my parents and husband is sweeter because they see the changes in me, and they are happy to see me succeed. Just as I am happy to see the candidates succeed.

I joined this team for one reason- to give myself the chance to expand and better who I am. The key is the team- this is not an individual effort. If it was I would have failed, as I have failed every year I approached it that way. We are a team, meant to push and encourage each other, share knowledge and experience, support and be honest with each other. In the end, its your choice. But your choice will affect the team as a whole.

I know some of you think I'm pushing too hard. A sprained wrist will heal, but I'll never get a chance to be a part of this specific team in this moment of time again. The fact that I'm a member of a team weighs heavily on my decisions.

So what is expected from this team? Your very best. This is a process, this is striving for mastery. What you as an individual will get from this program is directly linked to what you put in. So again I stress- you can make the choice to be at practices and to put in long hours, our you can choose not to. I will never force you, but I will strongly encourage you, I will push you and I will be honest with you. This is my promise to every member, present and future.

I choose to dedicate myself to this team because I know I'll become a better individual, and the process will better my life as a whole. Money and my job pays for my bills, but it will never make me happy or fix the problems in the world. Only individuals working together can do that.

Flower

This is a posting I wanted to write last week, but for personal reasons I couldn't until this week. Last Monday I lost a dear companion, my dog Flower. She was the first puppy I've ever had, and she was at my side longer than anyone I know other than my parents and brother. When I started this blog, it was in the light of this dog, her loving personality, her innocent soul and her compassionate spirit. Hence the title and hence the link.

I'm not ashamed to say I cried when she left me. I'm not ashamed to say that right now I'm tearing up. I owe her this admittance, for she never denied me her love and affection, and I will not deny her. This dogs unbelievable ability to forgive and to survive, to love and somehow be so independent while being so dependent on me. At the end, the only thing she wanted was me to be with her. If I left the room, she would try to follow me even though she didn't have the strength to hold her own head up. So I stayed with her, pet her and talked to her until she was gone.

I have full blown tears on my cheeks now.

She was the soul who taught me compassion. When she was a puppy, she broke her leg. I found her outside, crying, all the other puppies around her and sniffing her. The following weeks, I kept her with me at night in case she needed out, so that I could take her and make sure she made it back in okay. I learned compassion and empathy through this small, helpless animal new to the world. Up to the day she died, if she cried at night I would get up and find her. Usually, she just wanted fresher water.

She was a fluffy white dog, so needless to say grooming was always an episode. She had a tendency to be timid, after barely surviving an attach by another dog years ago. She feared the brush and she feared the clippers, but for all the growls and all the nips, she never hurt me and always trusted me. Although, she would try to make a run for it if given the chance. How did she have so much faith in me, the one person who was responsible for her well being and the one person who was not there to help her when she got hurt?

I know for all my talk about my dogs, Flower was not mentioned with the frequency of my other two. Honestly, its because she was simple and relaxed, she really didn't go on any adventures like the other two would. She was content, as long as she had her bed and as long as I came home everyday. But she was the first, the first I called my girl and the first to introduce me to the unbelievable ability of a dog to change your perspective, your thoughts and beliefs.

I miss her.