With the changes in routine and the unrelenting needs of twins I feel like there is less time in the days now and next to no time at night. I feel perpetual stress over getting things done and feel like I am perpetually spinning my wheels. Or, alternately, I’ll make the time to get something done, a project completed or a room cleaned or the lawn raked, and then feel guilt over the time I am not with the twins.
And that’s the thing. Everything is now a two man job. One to take care of the kids, the other to accomplish whatever task is at hand. Which means I cannot accomplish anything without 1. Taking up someone else’s time, and 2. Not being with my kids.
Add to that lack of sleep. Not all the babies fault at all. Yes, Carter still gets terrors and Sydney gets nightmares. But after they are in bed is when I feel the most pressure to accomplish, since then it is just my time and I don’t have to ask anyone else for theirs. Which means my nights are full steam until usually 11:30 or midnight. Then unwind and try to sleep, which also sucks because of my back, hip, shoulder. So, I’m tossing and turning until either I have to get up and move around to get rid of the aches, a kid wakes up screaming or morning arrives, usually at 6am.
Whatever reps I manage are not getting documented. Which adds to the stress as it now feels like squandered energy. I can’t afford to waste time or energy. But I do, daily.
I am not living in the moment.
I’m not sure what the point of this is. Vent, whine, make excuses. Not sure, but at least I better understand my stressors. I didn’t even know I was stressed...
