Momma

It’s been just over a month, but already too long. I talk to you daily. I ask you questions and I wonder what you would say. Every day. Every day I want to call you, ask for your advise, your opinion, tell you about something that happened or what the kids are up to. I’ve reached for my phone so many times, to text you or to catch a moment that I think you’d enjoy, but then I remember you’re no longer there on the other side to see my messages or the photos, to tell me what to do or make a comment about how quickly my kids are growing.

I miss you. I miss you and I want you back. You once said to me, “Don’t get mad, but you do know that I’m your best friend?”. I was shocked that you thought I would get upset, or that you thought that I didn’t think that as well. Of course I knew you were my best friend. There was no one else in the world that I enjoyed being with more, trusted more with my secrets or who I felt more comfortable and safe with.

I have my kids now, but they don’t fill the void. It’s like you all have pieces inside my heart, and their pieces cannot cross over to fill the one that you left.

I’ve wanted to write this for you every day since you left, but I could never bring myself to do it. It felt like it would solidify everything, like I would be giving up on you and admitting defeat. But today, I feel like I need to do something for you. I felt lost all day. Like I should be doing something or forgetting something or I was letting you down. Like how I would feel if I had forgotten your birthday. But I was helpless, because I couldn’t just pick up the phone and say “Happy birthday mommy! Sorry I forgot, but I’ll make it up to you now!”.

I miss you momma. I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I’m sorry I left your side that first night, when you were still able to talk. You were sleeping, but I should have stayed so we could have talked in the morning. By the time I got back, it was too late.

I’m sorry you were in pain, and I didn’t push the doctors harder to find out why. We all assumed it was the cancer.

I’m sorry for anytime that I may have made you feel lesser, for every time I hurt you or disregarded what you were feeling. For not understanding or being short with you. For not giving you more hugs and for not saying I love you everyday.

I love you momma. I miss you and I want you back. 

Compounding Failure

 

Yesterday I read a comment on Facebook by a man I don’t know on the opposite side of the fence. He ended his comment with something along the lines of “if we had just pulled together at the beginning of this it would be behind us by now”.

I found it very eye opening. I disagreed with and found fault in everything this man wrote and stands for, except for this last line. That exact logic is what I’ve been thinking this whole time. If we could have all just banded together to protect each other at the beginning then we could have defeated this insanity by now.

It’s crazy how the exact same line of thinking can lead to such different conclusions. I always thought that different lines of thinking could lead to the same conclusion, but this is new.

It’s definitely made me think. Definitely has not altered my beliefs and opinions, but made me think of the humans on the other side. I would love to have an open discussion, be able to poke their minds with a stick and allow them to do the same to me, however I am reluctant, for each time I have tried to open that door I’ve been met with hostility or just shut out, blocked and dismissed. Once bitten…

What is my opinion? I get the feelings of those other people. I don’t deny that there are many good points being made; suicide rates, divorce rates, the affect this madness is having on children. I’m living through this too, I see my kids struggling, missing out on experiences with others their age, falling behind developmentally and socially. I see a gap forming between my husband and I. But, I also believe that a single life that can be saved is worth the future struggles I will face. Money is of no value when it comes to the lives of my children and my family, and therefore should be of no value when it comes to the life of a stranger. That stranger also has people who love them as much as I love my children. 

As to the rest? I also believe we, WE, are failing as a whole to both properly address how to handle this situation and the fallout of it. Throwing money at people is no solution. People need real help, resources and support. And not everything should be left to the government; we need to step up as individuals as much as they do. And that is something everyone needs to be reminded of. Behind every provincial and federal decision are people. Yes, just like you and me, faults and all.

A dialogue needs to be properly opened, but with current events things are so heated, becoming volatile, I have little hope anyone would be receptive.