Where Do You Draw the Line?

There have been some thoughts weighing heavily on my mind in the last few weeks. The UBBT requirement of mending 3 relationships gone bad helped to spurr my last entry here. I will say this first- that is not a relationship I want to mend, despite still having some limited interaction with this guy through other people and organizations. That is where I want to leave it.

So, why am I feeling guilty about others limiting their interaction too? Because its because of me, I know, but as it was clearly put, he made his own bed and has to deal with it. I know that too. I was described as 'conflicted'. I couldn't put it better myself. I think I'm falling into old habits again. Look out for him, not myself. How can I be doing that?

I'm at two extremes here. I want to scream and yell and cry. And I want to smile and shrug and walk off. I honestly feel both ways. Bah. I need a coffee.

I Think Reader's Discretion is Advised

I just spent the last hour reading some of the postings made by people I know and care about. Some of them opened up so much that I'm now in a mood to do the same, rather than just write about what happened to be on the telly in my head.

I can't say that I've even come close to experiencing some of the things I just read about in other individuals lives. I can only talk of experiences that I have gone through, and how they have permanently affected me.

Today, if I feel threatened I do not get scared, I get angry. This is not a good thing. Anyone who knows about my mom's store and one of her "clients" knows this is true. I have a temper, luckily with a very long fuse but usually with a fairly big boom. I have zero patience with individuals who try to be threatening or manipulative. Absolutely zero. I know this is the direct result of one person whom I was very close with several years ago. For three years I turned a blind eye to the manipulative actions of this individual, to the controlling and the obsessive possessive actions. It got to the point where I was not permitted to talk to my childhood friends. I would be dragged, literally, away from people who tried to defend me. I would be threatened with weapons. Never against me, only against himself. Being burdened with feeling responsible for another humans actions against himself is hell.

It took me three years to break away. Three years that have absolutely defined who I am now. At the time, I had no control over this portion of my life. I had no power, or I felt I had none. It drove me to persevere on all the other areas of my life, the areas that I could define for myself. It drove me to persevere in anything that others told me I couldn't do. I would not allow anyone to believe I had limits. No matter the task, I would be able to do it. One side of me was completely dictated to, so the other side I held complete control. I guess I thought that the two extremes would balance out.

After three years I snapped. I lost all feelings of responsibility for this individual, and lost all positive feelings for this individual I thought existed. It was the first and only time in my life where I didn't care what happened to to a human. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I cannot change the truth. I had finally begun to care what happened to me. I said never again, and long story short I walked out with threats of suicide being yelled at my back. I called his bluff for what it was- a mode of control over me. Nothing else. I think he was too infatuated with himself for the threats to be anything else.

I know that I still carry anger. It is a reminder to stay strong and to never have blinders. It reminds me to only surround myself with good, honorable people who honestly care and work to improve things, not control them. In the few instances where I have since seen this individual, I have seen that he has not learned a thing. He carries my initials in scar tissue on his arm. It was supposed to show me how much he cared. It showed me that I cannot be responsible for those who do not take responsibility themselves.


I have to apologize to my parents. I just wrote more about this than I had ever admitted to. Just know that your daughter is only stronger for it, not scarred by it.

I'm publishing this just in case there might be another person that may be experiencing a similar situation. Admit to the situation, pull out of it and use it to define yourself, your own qualities and what you want to do and to be in this life. I will not tolerate manipulation or threats in my life. No one else is accountable for my decisions. Every day I consciously ensure that I do not press my will on others in any way that would influence who they are or want to be. Another scary thing is, I knew many of you when this was happening. I was so good at lying to myself, I completely convinced myself that everything was okay. I convinced everyone who knew me. If you are in this situation, don't take as long as I did. Everyone wants to be happy in life. No one has the right to force others to be unhappy.

Remember the Show The Littlest Hobo? Thats Kinda What I Feel Like

As many of my fellow trainees have heard, I'm hitting some difficult times due to my job. I have my own school out in Onoway, Alberta, a small branch of Silent River Kung Fu. I started there when I was 9, under the instruction of Master Brinker, and I remember thinking how scary and intimidating he looked. I can't forget how scared I was on my first day, even with my older brother standing next to me. However, it didn't take long to see that Master Brinker wasn't as scary as he looked, but nonetheless he was just as intimidating. A good intimidating, though. Not because of his physical strength and abilities (although that definitely helped), but because of his "quiet strength". Those of you who have met him know what I'm talking about. His ability to teach, guide and nurture.

Anyways, I'm off topic here. I took over the school I grew up in when I was 18. I wasn't sure if I could do what was necessary to run a martial arts school, but it was an offer Master Brinker gave me that I would have been more than stupid to turn down. And I'm pleased to say that she's still going strong, and after all the instructors that school has seen, it now has one that has no intentions of giving it up. I have to say, even though its small, its my pride and joy.

I love that place. I grew up there, I bled and sweat and trained there. My students are a great bunch, and I learn just as much from them as they learn from me. I don't know of any other experiences that can quite match it. If anyone out there hasn't had the opportunity to teach, give it a shot. The rewards are unbelievable.

I work as an environmental consultant. Its a good job, good pay and I have a good boss, but its not my calling. Recently, its been requiring me to go out of town on occasion, as I am right now. I'm sitting in a motel room in Fairview, 5 hours from home. Obviously, I can't make my classes when I'm out of town so far away. This is a big problem. Very big problem. Very bad, big bad problem.

This situation, coupled with the goals of the UBBT, have been making me think heavily on what my class and my training really mean to me. I never really had to make a choice before. As far as I'm concerned, there is no choice to make. When I moved into Edmonton, there was no question if I was going to drive the hour long drive one way to continue to teach. It didn't bother me when I had to pull an all-nighter to finish a paper that was due on a Tuesday or Thursday (classes are Monday and Wednesday nights). I don't know what I want to do as a career, however I know that I never want to lose the Silent River family. I don't remember being without it.

So, I have to quit my job. As I said to my boss, being an environmental consultant is my primary job, but it's not my priority. There are always going to be other jobs. What my training and my instructors have given me is irreplaceable. My job does not define who I am. My training has.

So, any suggestions on a new career for me? Your guess is a good as mine. I don't know where I'm going from here. But, now that I have firmly defined my priorities, not knowing my next move isn't so scary. Well, my next move is a set of push-ups. Then, its anyones guess.

Nothin' Much

Happy 2009 everybody.

So the UBBT has officially started, and I'm feeling just as anxious as ever. One of my co-workers just walked in on me doing sit-ups in the back office. They'll just have to get used to that, eh? I still need to get my totals together so I know where I stand for 2009. First, I need to find all the scrap pieces of paper I used to document my numbers. Good luck to me.

I'm going to Mexico for two weeks, leaving on the 19th. I dunno how that will work out, but I'm hoping that I can get ahead on my numbers. Its not like I'll have anything important to do, besides counting grains of sand. Can that be a challenge? Count grains of sand? Just thinking aloud here.