I Think Reader's Discretion is Advised

I just spent the last hour reading some of the postings made by people I know and care about. Some of them opened up so much that I'm now in a mood to do the same, rather than just write about what happened to be on the telly in my head.

I can't say that I've even come close to experiencing some of the things I just read about in other individuals lives. I can only talk of experiences that I have gone through, and how they have permanently affected me.

Today, if I feel threatened I do not get scared, I get angry. This is not a good thing. Anyone who knows about my mom's store and one of her "clients" knows this is true. I have a temper, luckily with a very long fuse but usually with a fairly big boom. I have zero patience with individuals who try to be threatening or manipulative. Absolutely zero. I know this is the direct result of one person whom I was very close with several years ago. For three years I turned a blind eye to the manipulative actions of this individual, to the controlling and the obsessive possessive actions. It got to the point where I was not permitted to talk to my childhood friends. I would be dragged, literally, away from people who tried to defend me. I would be threatened with weapons. Never against me, only against himself. Being burdened with feeling responsible for another humans actions against himself is hell.

It took me three years to break away. Three years that have absolutely defined who I am now. At the time, I had no control over this portion of my life. I had no power, or I felt I had none. It drove me to persevere on all the other areas of my life, the areas that I could define for myself. It drove me to persevere in anything that others told me I couldn't do. I would not allow anyone to believe I had limits. No matter the task, I would be able to do it. One side of me was completely dictated to, so the other side I held complete control. I guess I thought that the two extremes would balance out.

After three years I snapped. I lost all feelings of responsibility for this individual, and lost all positive feelings for this individual I thought existed. It was the first and only time in my life where I didn't care what happened to to a human. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I cannot change the truth. I had finally begun to care what happened to me. I said never again, and long story short I walked out with threats of suicide being yelled at my back. I called his bluff for what it was- a mode of control over me. Nothing else. I think he was too infatuated with himself for the threats to be anything else.

I know that I still carry anger. It is a reminder to stay strong and to never have blinders. It reminds me to only surround myself with good, honorable people who honestly care and work to improve things, not control them. In the few instances where I have since seen this individual, I have seen that he has not learned a thing. He carries my initials in scar tissue on his arm. It was supposed to show me how much he cared. It showed me that I cannot be responsible for those who do not take responsibility themselves.


I have to apologize to my parents. I just wrote more about this than I had ever admitted to. Just know that your daughter is only stronger for it, not scarred by it.

I'm publishing this just in case there might be another person that may be experiencing a similar situation. Admit to the situation, pull out of it and use it to define yourself, your own qualities and what you want to do and to be in this life. I will not tolerate manipulation or threats in my life. No one else is accountable for my decisions. Every day I consciously ensure that I do not press my will on others in any way that would influence who they are or want to be. Another scary thing is, I knew many of you when this was happening. I was so good at lying to myself, I completely convinced myself that everything was okay. I convinced everyone who knew me. If you are in this situation, don't take as long as I did. Everyone wants to be happy in life. No one has the right to force others to be unhappy.