Cuz Dogs Are Important Too

Hmm... I had a meeting with Sifu Brinker last night and he most definitely gave me a lot to think about. One of the many topics was my blogging- so here I am blogging.

This aspect is rough for me. Not that I'm lacking topics, believe me that there is a lot rolling around in my head, but I've always been nervous about getting too deep into my own training. I'm worried that it'll either come off as egotistical when I'm on my ups or it'll come off as negative and I'll possibly loose the confidence others have in me when I'm on my downs. I can analyze a technique I've been working on seven ways to Sunday, but it may not necessarily benefit anyone unless you can get into my body and feel what I'm feeling. And as Sifu Brinker mentioned; I get frustrated when I can't explain myself accurately, don't have the vocabulary or terminology I'm looking for. I can be so sure of something in my heart but my head just won't listen.

Its strange. I absolutely feel confident and I've been told many times by friends and strangers alike that I come across as confident and more mature than my age. But I also lack confidence. Sometimes I can be sure and assertive, other times I question myself. I've been trying to figure this one out even before my meeting last night, but insofar I can't see a pattern as to why I switch gears. Take the Tiger Challenge- I was confident my forms were solid enough to perform and I felt good in sparring (even had fun when Sifu Beckett went snaky on me. Get it? Snaky? Year of the Snake?). But when I got the Grand Champ I was like, What? Really? Did I earn this or did I win this by default?

Another thing I realized while chatting with Sifu Brinker- while taking on a leadership role is intimidating for most, it doesn't bother me. Ever since I was 18 and went from just another newbie blackbelt to the head instructor overnight, leading doesn't shake me. You just get done what has to be done and people will either take the opportunity or not. Hence why I tried to stay in the shadows for the first part of last year.

What does shake me? My own progression. I feel like I've fooled you all, that if I try too hard and don't manage to get where I'm going then you'll all realize I really am just a mediocre martial artist. A three dressed up as a nine.

Huh. Just read over that and saw my confident/not confident conundrum rearing its head. See?

You nailed that one, Sifu Brinker.

So, now what? Now I take Sifu Brinkers' advice and shut up and do it anyways (or try really really hard to). Take my own advice from my last post and trust Sifu Brinker and trust myself. So I apologize in advance- if, in my posts, I'm doing nothing but talking about myself and how great I'm doing or alternately how crappy I am and how crappy I feel, I'm sorry. I'm not an egomaniac and I'm not meek or depressed. I'm just lost in the middle.

I will, however, still have intermittent postings about my dogs. Period.

Thought Bubble Required

Yesterday, while en route to the studio for a practice, I got to thinking about my grading, and why I'm doing it. I think a lot while driving, and this time I decided to record my thoughts with the audio recorder on my phone. I felt kinda stupid at first, talking to myself in my car to my phone, but I'll try to transcribe my jumbled thoughts for you now.


When it comes to me personally getting promoted, I didn't care much if I did or not, I was content with what I was doing, I enjoyed what I was doing. I knew I was progressing, albeit slowly, I didn't need the visual effects of extra stripes to satisfy everyone else. But a while ago, Sifu Brinker told me that I needed to start getting promoted, not just for me but for my school, so my students could see that I was actually progressing, that their instructor has what it takes to be their instructor.

Now, thinking about it, it goes beyond those reasons as well. It was selfish of me not to try for my next degree. If I didn't try I couldn't fail, and therefore no one could say I failed. Now, I feel I need to get this thing in order to be what I'm striving to be, to be the leader I need to be. Being a leader is more that telling others what they need to do, where they need to be and helping them to get there. I have to show that I myself am able to take direction, to take what I'm told and apply it, that I am able to progress in my own training. Break the chains of mediocrity.

Sifu Brinker has laid out all these stepping stones for us. I need to show that a) I have full trust in my instructor and b) I am capable and eager to do what is required. How can I encourage others to become leaders if I am unable to follow?

This year I've had a lot of feedback from people, comments about how I've really become a good leader and stepped up my game. It wasn't so much me stepping up my game. I finally, finally listened to Sifu Brinker and trusted myself enough to give it a shot. Now, I'm really hoping others take my example to heart and do it for themselves. Trust in your instructors and trust in yourself.


But, as always, these things are two fold. This is now me thinking, after my grading. I'm sitting here after my grading thinking about what went well and what didn't, what I did right leading up to this day and what I did wrong. Because ultimately, whatever the outcome, it was me and the results are solely on me. If I want to master this, I need to recognize that the results are a reflection of me, and I need to take those results and make them better. Always strive for better. Don't settle for passable; make it great, then make it even better.

I've Already Been Threatened with Garden Shears and Weed Whackers

I've had a crummy last two days, for reasons I will elaborate on next week. As such, I kinda missed being able to reflect on the Tiger Challenge. But after reading (and watching) the last wave of blog postings, I'm feeling better and I'm realizing that it isn't just me, that the Tiger Challenge was really was as awesome as I felt it was. Kudos to the competitors and to everyone involved!

Next, I just put a posting up on Kwoon Talk. I have officially committed to joining Sifu Stoddart when she loses her hair. Additionally, whoever donates the most will be the one to cut it off. Yes. I know. I'm scared for me too. I'll let you in on a secret- on stage, when its happening, I'll be smiling and laughing. But in my mind I'm going to be screaming and panicking and rocking myself in a corner. Yay!

Tai He? More Like Tai Huh?

So my parents and by brother left for Jamaica early this morning, which means I've inherited a couple dogs for the next two weeks. Needless to say, no one got any sleep last night- poor puppies were just waiting by the door all night, hoping my parents would come back for them. It'll get better, they're with family and its not the first time they get to stay away from home.

I've been practicing mastery, reciting it to my mom and typing it out when she's not around. Except my mom was more interested in what Stewart Emery had to stay than if I was correct, but thats a good thing too.

Ma's really been a huge help lately. And my dad too, who drops everything to drive her over when I call her in a panic saying I need help with Tai Chi. They know my schedule, they know the pressure I'm putting on myself and they're doing what they can to help me along. And they forgive me when I start talking gibberish or my brain goes blank. Thanks ma & pa! Have a good time in Jamaica!

After practicing Tai He yesterday in the back shop, oi! I can see what difference 8 hrs a day can make. Sifu and Sihing Beckett are amazing, and my jaw almost dropped when Sifu Beckett thought one of her forms wouldn't be good enough for the tournament. I just want to watch them all day, and then practice my butt off. And then go to China.

The Proof is In the Pudding

I've been in the program for years now, but it feels like this was finally the year of change. Some changes for the better, some worse, and some so far from what I originally expected that they don't make a map to place them.

As with every other year, I have to give myself a slap- going over my requirements, the ones I've failed are the ones I need to document. I know I do at least three acts of kindness a day, but you can't see that from my documentation. And I know I've done more push-ups than my spreadsheet stays... although right now I can't do more than ten at a time because of my back...

Physically, I'm all over the map. Several years ago I made it a goal to lose weight, and no I didn't hit my goal but I made a step towards it. As of this week I'm back on the wagon- we'll see where it goes. However, my joints have degraded, and I've failed to take care of myself and now I'm suffering bad because of it. Throughout the year, I did go to see specialists, but one was too far away to be feasible (Leduc) and the other was as busy as I am and the only time we could coordinate was Sunday evenings (which to me is out of the question). I contacted Sifu Cosgrove a couple days ago- I'm hoping since she's in the area anyways I'll be able to see her on a regular basis.

Mentally, I've made a huge leap. I'm engaged, and now that I am I realize that I hadn't been for a long time. I'm at the studio at least six days a week, as well as running the Onoway classes twice a week (mostly, I'll admit Sifu Wiebe has covered for me on more than one occasion. Thanks!). Its been exhausting, but its also been thrilling and amazing. This school is filled with absolutely amazing people and a huge amount of knowledge.

No, I don't feel that my current schedule is maintainable, which is one of the goals of the I Ho Chuan. However, with last year's experiences under my belt and a new team coming in, it shouldn't have to be. I believe the next team will make the connections faster than the last, simply because now we know what we need to do to make it a successful year.

Flyingsreamingmonkeymove!

I can't believe what the I Ho Chuan has given me this year. Last night was, to me, absolutely irreplaceable and will be a memory I fondly think of for a long time to come. The camaraderie I saw and experienced was exceptional. We got so much accomplished, we laughed and we worked. I had the bejeezuz scared out of me by Sihing Robinson with his flying screaming monkey move (say that three times fast). We debated the many ways of death by rope dart. And I imagine they all think I'm crazy- there was a point where I was laying on the floor, half on another teammate, laughing so hard I think I snorted.

Mind you, I very much feel the aftereffects now. Steadily training, never getting home before 9pm, getting beaten and bludgeoned and broke. This is what typing with eight digits looks like, as two of my fingers scream if I make them work after catching a bokken across the hands. My wrist isn't healing. I have a permanent ache in my back and shoulders. And I'm tired.

But, as I see it, its all about your frame of mind. My fingers taught me that timing is everything, my wrist is teaching me to keep a good grip on my weapons, my back... well I'm not sure, but you get the point. I'm enjoying life right now. I'd rather live and be broken on occasion than not.

Days like today I wish I could quit my day job. All I want to do it go back to the kwoon. And nap.

The Benefits of Pajamas

We're in crunch time. That's about the only thing on my mind now, crunch time for me, for the I Ho Chuan, for the candidates and for the tournament. Every moment I have away from work will be spent training (minus Sundays- thats laundry day), and it still doesn't seem like enough time to do everything that needs to be done. My poor house needs a good once over, but that will probably not happen until the end of February.

Nick and I spent yesterday doing nothing. We had a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon, ate soup and thats about it. One intermission for me when I went to the kwoon to meet with a few others. I took full advantage and otherwise never changed out of my jammy pants. We won't have the chance to be that lazy for a very long time.

Sifu Brinker- Answer: 40km/h. I did my research!