The Not Stage Fright Stage Fright

So in this past week I've already been on then off then on the band wagon. I love weekends just like normal people, but this last long weekend really threw a kink into my new, young schedule and for three days I didn't do much other than pretend I was an electrician. I had time, not saying I was too busy, but I cannot bring myself to work on my requirements or do a set of sit ups when someone is in the room. The little bit I do at the kwoon when everyone is there is about the extent of my public practice, and only because I'm surrounded by others doing the same thing and I can get lost in the crowd. I've been with Nick for 10 years but I can't for the life of me practice in front of him.

I don't understand it. I have no problems teaching a room full of people, staring at me and trusting me to have the answers. But I can't do my own thing. It's infuriating at times. Last Saturday I had asked Sifu M Beckett for some feedback on my snake and I noticed the dragon dance team was standing right there, some with their faces turned to me. I almost stopped, but I didn't because I had asked her for her time and did not want to waste it. But it's hard to be mindful about what you're doing when you're so mindful about everything but what you're doing.

So this makes it hard, considering this is supposed to be a public journey, show the school what you're made of and how to drive for mastery. I'd much prefer to work on my own, in the privacy of my living room in the middle of the day when the world is at their day jobs and the only witness is the cat. Is this stage fright? I've done performances and demonstrations, dance recitals, taught seminars in a room full of professionals. Given testimony in a court of law. Explained haploid diploidy to a room full of university students. Ran a small school. So no, I don't consider this stage fright.

To me, it's the one time when being mindful is a hinderance.