Jiggs

Just before my high school graduation my bf at the time wanted to get me a grad gift. I remember very distinctly telling him not a puppy. My parents and I did not need another dog (we had 7) and I knew that his parents had a new litter of Pomeranian puppies looking for homes. So I had an idea of what his plan was and told him no puppies.

A few weeks later, I had a new puppy. A tiny ball of fluff. He could fit in my dad's shirt pocket. My mom named him Jigger. The name fit, as he was a tiny, dancing ball of fluff.

Alas, I moved away a couple months later and could not bring him along. From day one he wasn't my dog, however. He claimed my dad, and my dad fell for him. Forever more he was my fathers dog.

It's true what they say, that dogs and owners reflect each other. Jiggs would never leave my fathers side, and bark like crazy if dad left without him. He rode in the milk crate on the quad with him and at meal times would be found at my dads feet, waiting for his share. He was loyal as only a dog can be.

Jiggs is gone now. He passed while I was away, and even though he was never truly my dog he leaves a hole where a tiny fluffy dog used to be. It's a cruel joke, how you can become so attached to a dog and their lifespan will never match your own. I guess that's part of the reason why they mean so much to you.

I'm Just Ranting

My apologies, I find it hard to fill people in on some topics without it sounding like I'm complaining. Thats not my intention.

So, yes, I'm having some sort of health meltdown at the moment. After three days in and out of the hospital I have no concrete answers, just some maybe this, maybe that? from the doctors. After a night of agony I was sent home with pain meds and a promise of an ultrasound to confirm their suspicions (gallstones, they believe). The medication is helping and I feel like a human again today. A very cautious human, as too much bounce in my step or the wrong foods set me off.

So where does this leave me now? I have some very mixed emotions. Unlike physical injury where I know what is wrong, why it's wrong, what not to do and where I'm headed, today I'm feeling skeptical, worried and guilty. Yeah, I know, guilt is useless. Doesn't mean it's not present. I can't do what I wanted to get done, what I promised I would do, what I feel I need to do. Yeah, I have lots of other things I can be working on, projects and things on the other side of the coin. But that is not where I feel I'm lacking. I want to fix what I'm lacking and it seems that as soon as I find the motivation to do so my body lets me down and in turn I let those around me down.

I'm sure that I'll come around, shake it off and get back on track. It's not the first wall I've crashed into, not the last. I know there are others in worse situations, with fewer opportunities. Gallstones are not a big issue. The associated pain will pass. But the feeling of being useless... sucks.

Appreciation

The last night we were camping I decided to wander down to the lake we were by and see what was interesting Chuck so much. I saw a beaver swimming by, but he was more interested in the little creatures near the shore. Frogs. There were several frogs floating nearby and the oddest thing happened. They started to sing. Not the ribbit or croak you'd expect. They chirped, a sound I had heard many times and always believed to be birds. I rustled Nick away from the campfire and his buddies and he too thought it one of the most unusual things. It took me to the last night we were there to notice.

It makes me wonder, how many things in this life go by unnoticed? How many beautiful moments are not lived simply because we are too busy to see?

We managed many great moments while buried in the bush. A moose liked to frequent the opposite shore and bob for lake weeds. A couple bear cubs, indicating it was time for us to move on. Several deer crossing our path and an osprey pair tending to their nest.

I'm home now, missing the wilderness, however I still have the feeling of awe. My irises, daisies, flax, asters, poppies and mountain lilies all in bloom, not to mention the dandelions in the foot deep lawn. My cat has been following me around yowling, singing his happiness. I still get to listen to the frogs and birds chirp.