My apologies, I find it hard to fill people in on some topics without it sounding like I'm complaining. Thats not my intention.
So, yes, I'm having some sort of health meltdown at the moment. After three days in and out of the hospital I have no concrete answers, just some maybe this, maybe that? from the doctors. After a night of agony I was sent home with pain meds and a promise of an ultrasound to confirm their suspicions (gallstones, they believe). The medication is helping and I feel like a human again today. A very cautious human, as too much bounce in my step or the wrong foods set me off.
So where does this leave me now? I have some very mixed emotions. Unlike physical injury where I know what is wrong, why it's wrong, what not to do and where I'm headed, today I'm feeling skeptical, worried and guilty. Yeah, I know, guilt is useless. Doesn't mean it's not present. I can't do what I wanted to get done, what I promised I would do, what I feel I need to do. Yeah, I have lots of other things I can be working on, projects and things on the other side of the coin. But that is not where I feel I'm lacking. I want to fix what I'm lacking and it seems that as soon as I find the motivation to do so my body lets me down and in turn I let those around me down.
I'm sure that I'll come around, shake it off and get back on track. It's not the first wall I've crashed into, not the last. I know there are others in worse situations, with fewer opportunities. Gallstones are not a big issue. The associated pain will pass. But the feeling of being useless... sucks.
1 comment:
I hear you. It is difficult to process and deal with something that is yet to be defined. Injuries and illness may be physical ailments, but they take their mental toll. I think you have the right idea to focus on your non-physical goals and keep putting one foot in front of the other. No guilt is necessary as life will always throw a monkey wrench into the best of intentions. You've been a great leader for the team and I doubt that is going to change while you get this sorted out. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
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