Challenge Accepted

I just read Mr. Dyble’s blog and he challenged us non bloggers to blog, so here it is. I’m sitting in a parking lot waiting for my mom so I have a moment. I should take advantage of these moments more often, they’ve become less frequent as of late.

I’m trying to achieve something with regards to my goals this year but none are really on track. Little bit here, little bit here. I’m sure that’s obvious by my lack of blogging. My goal of losing my baby weight is nearly complete, but I can’t attribute that to my hard work. A month in the hospital is to thank for that. I wish I had kept up with the ukulele. I’m sure my babies would have enjoyed that. My weapon is in pieces; that one I’ll varry on into next year. Most will be carried on into next year.

Thanks for the poke Mr. Dyble. It was much needed.

Clarity of Values

I've been finding myself talking to my babies, asking them the same series of questions. Who are you? Who are you going to be? What kind of person will you become? I'm feeling the weight of the responsibility I have now. I created these critters and I am responsible for how they are raised, what lessons they learn, what qualities they value.

I want them to be kind, to have compassion. I want them to value all life because all life has value. I want them to be strong and confident, to have no fear voicing their opinions or acting on their beliefs. I want family to be ever present in their lives, to always have someone to lean on when they are in need. I want them to have courage enough to change the world.

I have my work cut out for me. And thinking about it, I find myself becoming more and more grateful for the opportunities I have in life and that I'll be able to give to them. Where we live, what we have. I'm grateful for the tools I have at my disposal; one of the biggest is learning kung fu, and at this school in particular.

I've always had my reasons for training. My reasons today have evolved from what they were a year ago, a decade ago. At this point in try life one of the biggest reasons I'm here is for my two critters. Not the only reason but one of the foremost now. So I ask, what are your reasons? What value does kung fu bring you? Because lately its value to me has never been clearer.

Appreciation

I'm back and trying to get back into the groove of things, which includes blogging.

This blog topic was easy for me. I want to express how grateful I am to everyone. When I was away I didn't doubt that I had everyones support but just how much blows me away. I would not have such an easy transition back nor an "easy" time with our new babies and dealing with my health issues. Thank you to everyone who sent their love and who helped us purchase a much needed stroller. Thank you for the hospital visits, always at the right time when I was feeling down. Thank you for the amazing gifts and for all the meals (with delivery!) when Nick was a single parent of two newborns. A huge thank you to the instructors who covered my rear for such a long duration. As a friend of ours said, we had to play the game of life on expert mode without any previous experience, and we couldn't have pulled it off without the help and support we received from all of you. Thank you for the love and smiles I've received upon my return.

And thank you for everything mom and dad, aka The Sydney Whisperer.

Update

This is just going to be a quick update. Since my last post I’ve landed back in the hospital. I was only getting worse at home and when the pain became too much I went back to the er. Another day and a half of tests finally revealed that I have a massive ruptured ulcer by my dunideinum. They found it while looking for a blood clot in my liver.

Surgery that night, Tuesday. Been here since, 3 drains in my stomach, and countless more drains no one want to hear about. They actually found that he patch took but I’m not draining properly so I currently have a fever and extra pain. They’re working on rectifying that.

So please keep writing your journals everyone, they’re the only things keeping me involved in the kwoon. And please, write about your journeys- it’s my only engagement string I have left to kung fu.

Long Road. Long Post.

Hello everyone and sorry I’ve disappeared. I have been keeping up with all your blogs so thank you for writing them, they were the only things keeping me engaged in the IHC or my kung fu for that matter this last while.

Having a lot of time while sitting in a hospital bed I thought I’d catch you all up. I’ve had a less than smooth few weeks, although everything started out so promising. I had a relatively easy pregnancy considering I was carrying twins. The last month or so before delivery I began to retain water, as those of you who saw me at Pandamonium I’m sure noticed. Trust me, it got worse.

I had a non-stress test that Monday, the 28th. No biggie, they just listen to the babies heartbeats and track their movements. During that time the nurse noticed that my blood pressure was high and that coupled with my intense swelling gave her concerns. She ordered blood work from me, most of which came back fine but some of which was elevated, possible precursors to a condition called preeclampsia. We all seemed fine so we went home. Wednesday I had my last appointment with my ob/gyn. I was scheduled to be induced the following day but she asked if we would be willing to have it done a day early. So off we ran home, packed a few last minute items and bolted back to the hospital. I was induced Wednesday evening. Thursday comes, not much change except higher blood pressure and more swelling. Hardly dilated. I’m induced again. By the wee hours of Friday morning I’m in pain, I’m having contractions but I’m not dilated, my blood pressure is spiking and I’m so swollen the doctor doubts I’ll be able to deliver. So, I’m rushed to the operating room and my babies are born via c section at 7:17 and 7:19 am. We are all released happy and healthy that Sunday, June 3rd.

That evening I begin to feel nauseous. I figure it’s just due to the meds I’m on and the stresses of the last few days. Monday night I call my dad to take me to the er. I can’t keep even water down, I’m sick and in pain and worried about how I can sustain breastfeeding if I can’t retain fluids. After 6 hours waiting I have to go home, my babies are waiting and I’m feeling a bit better so I figure it was just the medication.

I get worse. Wednesday morning I again call my dad to take me to the er. Something is wrong and I’m scared. They see me much faster and after a few iv bags of fluid and some gravol I’m feeling better. Doctors send me home with orders to take gravol, an rx for blood pressure medication (it had again spiked) and the diagnosis that I had the flu.

I take the gravol and monitor my blood pressure- I’m leery to take the medication. It’s been explained to me that it works directly on the heart and I am breastfeeding after all. I begin to be able to retain some food and water and again think I’m on the mend.

Saturday comes. I feel better but when I check my blood pressure it’s at 145/98. Scary, especially since I usually have low blood pressure. I cave and take my first pill around 11am along with an antacid I was prescribed during my pregnancy.

Fast forward to about 7pm. I’m upstairs nursing Sydney. I’m just about to put her down when I’m hit with such extreme pain in my upper abdomen I almost don’t make it to her crib. I stumble downstairs to where Nick is and now the pain has spread to my chest and lower abdomen. I’ve never experienced something so painful. Nick calls 911. By the time the ambulance gets to us the pain has subsided a little and I’m able to talk to the paramedics. They hook me up with a dozen leads to take a picture of my heart- everyone suspects a heart attack including me. My heart is okay. They can’t tell me what happened but I seem better. They suspect I had a gallbladder attack, considering my history. Alas, while they’re standing there talking to me I’m hit again. I’m loaded into the ambulance and given 5 doses of morphine by the time I arrive in St. Albert, which does nothing to kill the pain.

Mom and Dad come rushing into emergency. I didn’t even know Nick had called them.

Doctors are checking vitals and pulling blood and ordering x rays, ct scans, ultrasounds. They put me on antibiotics and stronger painkillers in the meantime and after a couple rounds of that I can actually open my eyes and breathe through the pain.

I sent my mom home in the wee hours of the morning. There’s nothing to be done anyways but wait.

And that has been my life since then. In a hospital bed being my pumped full of pain medication and antibiotic cocktails while Nick takes care of two newborns by himself. Test after test indicate I have an infection in my uterus and blood clots that haven’t passed. One of the nurses here, a nice man named Blaine is constantly telling how sick I was when I came in and how far I’ve come. He was just here actually, expressing his concern again.

Well, I just got the news that I’m being released. Still on pain meds and antibiotics and blood pressure medication but at least I get to go home and see my family whom I haven’t seen for three days. Hallelujah.

Hope vs. Reality

So, where am I in regards to my IHC? I have to admit my physical training has come to a halt. I have not picked up my sword for over a week. I haven't done a hand form rep for a few days. I know that I am limited right now but this is something that I can remedy and therefore I need to. Tai Chi and 18 Temple Motions need to become my staples or I fear I'll flake on my other commitments, those I can continue with no matter my condition. But I feel I need to let my sleeping sword lie.

Naively, I was fully determined to keep at it right up until the d-day. I felt that obviously things would become awkward and more challenging but doable none the less. Now... I'm feeling that even if I am capable there are many things that would be stupid for me to attempt. I've switched gears. I'm less ambitious and more protective than I ever have been in my life. Although I am finding many others are more protective of me than even I am. Makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside (not from the kicks to the ribs either).

Thanks for everyone's patience and understanding. I know I have a support system that many only dream of.

Distractions

I've been noticing that most of my animals have become overly needy this last month. I think they're aware that their peaceful lives are going to be turned upside down.

Quick update- I'm officially in my third trimester. I officially can't see my toes unless I lean way forward. I'm officially carrying a boy and a girl. Well, eighty percent sure it's a girl. And I feel like I have an abdomen full of jumping frogs. Which can be distracting when I'm trying to teach, so my apologies for being distracted and my inability to string a coherent sentence together sometimes.

So this has been my life lately. Setting up cribs, sorting clothes, wondering what is the difference in diaper brands. No wonder my dogs and cats are getting edgy.

Oh, I've also received my new toy in the mail- a short sword, straight, single edge. I imagine it has a fancy name but I don't know what it is. Elvira it is. I've been having fun playing with it, although I've had to adjust what little I have of a form.

Creativity & Ego

A few days ago I watched a program about a Buddhist nun who also happens to be a world class chef. No training, no restaurant, just straight, simple, from the earth. Something she said struck a cord with me.

Creativity and ego cannot go together. If you free yourself from the comparing and jealous mind your creativity opens up endlessly.

I think Stewart Emery would concur.

It's hard to admit but I think I figured out my hitch when it comes to creating my own from. I always considered myself a creative kid growing up, so why the difference now? Because now I'm more concerned with what others will think, having my thoughts and creation on the block, my ideas up for judgement. If it's someone else's form I'm presenting then at least it's not on me as to the structure and sequence. I'm too concerned about having my ego bruised than about creating something thats my own.

I've never felt that I'm up to the task. Problem is, I never will be unless I try and I put myself out there. That's a scary thought. And I guess I know where I need to go from here.

My Requirements

I’m currently sitting in a lab waiting the mandatory hour after drinking a horrendous orange liquid. Half of you will know what I’m talking about. While I did bring a book to read I also know I have a chance to blog so I’ll take it.

Most of my personal goals look fairly different this year as compared to previous years. One of them is spending time with my dogs once these pups are here. I know my priorities will change and I don’t want to forget things that are important to me now, including my animals. Another, an obvious one, is to knock off the weight I’ll gain. That task alone is already looking daunting. Apparently everything doubles with twins, including weight gain. Tai chi is still on the list, along with my ukelele.

I can tell you these babies didn’t like that drink either. They’re pounding my insides like a bongo drum.

I’m struggling with my weapons form. I let Sifu Brinker talk me into creating my own, something I’ve never enjoyed nor been successful at. I am adapting from a video but currently my weapon consists of a scrap oak stick- my sword is miles too heavy and the one on order has yet to arrive. If I had been thinking I would have taken care of this before the start of the year but as those around me can attest, thinking isn’t my strong suit at the moment.

Gizmo

At first impression Gizmo may have come across as a mop head but once you stepped closer you'd realize that there was a rowdy dog in the middle of the floor, with a personality all his own and an attitude to match.

My parents said goodbye to Gizmo this past Wednesday. This was the dog that never feared the cat, who was ring bearer at our wedding and who, in the end, wouldn't let blindness and cushings disease keep him away from the food bowl or my mothers side.

It's always the stars that shine the brightest that fade the fastest. Rest well Shmo. May the carrots be plentiful in your garden.

Horizons

I feel I've learned this year through teaching and my own practice that what we do has to be a state of mind, not just physical skill. You have to flip a switch if you want to get everything you can out of this and that switch affects everything you do. If, for instance, you don't put your full potential into your form you'll miss so much it has to offer. If you don't put any effort into your sound focus how can you expect your body to not follow suit and still give its potential? Each time you go half way it means you left half on the table and said to yourself, thats good enough. You robbed yourself of a chance to progress. If you perpetually flip that switch then it becomes mindless, effortless effort as it's been defined, and putting your full energy into everything becomes easy and normal. And then your potential grows.

I think this is what the IHC has taught me. Reaching your potential doesn't have to be a painful, mind numbing experience. Of course it takes hard work, but if you dedicate yourself to the pursuit then the work becomes easy, and with a little mindful maintenance your frame of mind supports the physical aspects. I'm still working on this.

I don't see that I'll ever reach my potential, not as long as I keep trying to advance. It's like the horizon, it always moves further ahead the closer I get. I need to accept this but I still need to try.

Cedar & Cher

Looking back on my blog dates I realized how much the ball is dropped. I knew I was behind but it had gotten away from me worse than I thought.

I can't say I have much for a reason but I have plenty of excuses. We've been spending every spare moment drywalling, painting, installing cedar ceilings, sealing the wood, installing trim, and today getting the floor installed in the hall and bedroom. So I could say my focus has shifted. I don't want to say my priorities have changed, rather they have been added to. But, if I'm honest, it has just been lack of discipline. I've had the time and ability just without the followthrough. The aforementioned are excuses, not reasons.

I have been journaling, but privately for a change. I've been carrying on what my mother started decades ago and I'm writing in the same journal she wrote for me when I was a baby, but obviously I'm writing to my own unborn pups. It's a different experience, and I'm excited and scared spitless at the same time.

I've been regretting not establishing a stronger schedule or regime when I had the chance. I feel that it would have been such a benefit to me now to have the practice and the skills that would have been better developed. I could have made it serve be better but didn't. Such is the theme regarding many of my requirements- most still works in progress, few fully accomplished. If only I had superpowers like Sifu S. Csillag I'd turn back time.

Changing Situations

I've been stuck as to what to write about. I didn't want to constantly be writing about my growing belly, the poppyseeds, lemons, turnips or whatever my app relates them to. But then I though you know what? This is was is going on in my life right now and it has to be part of the process.

I've never had to think about and change the way I'm training or teaching quite like I am at the moment. Injuries create opportunity and induce changes for sure, but they also give you feedback so I was never too concerned about pushing too hard in a day since tomorrow I can rein it in if needed. Worst case, I set myself back but continue on. Now, every decision I make I have to think hard as to if it's the right decision because I am paranoid of making the wrong one. I've never been so conservative in my health as I am now, so concerned about a little cough or a little exertion. I warned everyone in my life that I would be a paranoid pregnant lady, but I hadn't expected the difficulty when making decisions. I'm torn as to what I should do. My priorities are shifting and it makes me feel guilty. Maybe guilt is the wrong word- I'm very aware of the shift, don't like how it's affecting others but it's my new reality nonetheless.

It's starting to hit home for me. When I heard their heartbeats, I can't tell you what went through my mind. I was hearing a heartbeat from inside my body that wasn't mine. It wasn't me, and it's not me I'm feeling whenever I get that rippling sensation. My abdomen has turned into someone else's swimming pool. The feeling of responsibility is overwhelming.