My Bucket List

 I’ve never formally created a bucket list in the past, but I did always have want to’s and should do’s. Now, my would be bucket list had definitely evolved from things that would be exciting or interesting to things that influence or improve. Maturity? I don’t know. Being responsible for little humans definitely has something to do with it. Can I define it? I’m currently trying. Strange to say, just this morning, before I read Ms. Ferris’s post, I was thinking about this exact thing. How weird is that. Coincidence? I don’t know…

Little Reminders

I’ve written several drafts in the past month, none of which will see the light of day. They were not productive, very negative and had no purpose other than to air my grievances, sort out my thoughts and just stomp my feet and cry. They were not meant to be productive, they were meant to be therapy.

I am happy to say this one will become public, as public as my little voice in the void can be. Why does that make me happy? Because I think I’ve turned a corner. I’m feeling better and I feel like I’m being restored.

A large part of this change comes from the one on ones. I’m not nervous when I’m in front of students being asked questions. I got over that years ago. However I’ve been getting some hard core questions that are challenging me as an instructor and as a martial artist. I’m learning that my knowledge is deeper than I thought and I am developing the vocabulary that has always eluded me in the past. Those things make me feel good about myself and motivate me to do better than the day before.

The slump I was in, and if I’m honest am still in, has nothing to do with Kung Fu or my training. However, once again, Kung Fu has been a large part of the answer. When I doubt myself or my self worth, Kung Fu reminds me that I am and should be confident. Why? Because I’ve earned it. Time and time again Sifu Brinker’s words prove correct; Kung Fu is an investment that gives back a thousand fold what you put in. 

In this moment, instead of feeling helpless I’m feeling gratitude. 

What Will the History Books Say?

 Anytime I open an iPad or phone I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to feel depressed or outright anger. I am not a keyboard warrior, nor do I feel the need to argue with individuals with beliefs different from my own. However, lately I’ve been thinking about the effects my silence has. Added to that, what would be the effects be if I broke the silence?

It seems to me that the immediate availability of information has had effects no one saw coming; the belief that people can obtain knowledge without the need for education. And to some extent this is true; I can gain the knowledge that the sky is blue without having to be educated on the physics behind the phenomenon. 

Problem being, this access to instant information does not require any sort of understanding. It is perpetuating beliefs that are inaccurate. I can come across and article or YouTube video where someone, anyone, could give evidence to the argument that the sky is not blue. They can claim to be anyone they so choose. It can sound convincing, especially with my limited knowledge in the area. And I can decide to believe it. And I may, depending on what I perceive and what I want to believe. If it runs along the same vein as my already established ideas, I probably will.

Deeper still, many of these ideas have some amount of basis in fact. It is true, there are times when the sky can appear to be pink or purple or orange or black. Does that therefore prove that it is not blue? Of course not. But with my limited education it would seem as irrefutable proof. 

It seems to me that the current issues we face are being clouded by layers upon layers of personal opinions, stacked on inaccuracies and fear. 

I stay silent when I see posts or videos by loved ones or friends that, to me, are examples of misguided ideas. I don’t want to stir the pot. But, is this wise or is this allowing for the perpetuation of these ideas? People surround themselves with like minded individuals, so if no one in my circle ever challenges my beliefs, how do I ever evolve? 

On the other hand, if I speak up it very well might have the opposite effect I hope for. They could dig their heels in deeper, label me as a snowflake or sheep, write me off and any future chance I may have to have this conversation with them.

So what is the answer? I would say education, but I’m beginning to question if that is enough. 

Things are Getting Serious... PADDLE! PADDLE! PADDLE!

When Sifu Brinker let the cat out of the bag, I had a few thoughts running through my head. Does this mean I hit my physical peak? How will everyone react? Is this because of the vegetable class I ran?

Since last Saturday I’ve been trying to pay attention to what I say and how I say it, what I do and how I react. Am I any different? Would I recognize if I was?

There is one thought that I’ve been thinking repeatedly- If I wasn’t in it for life before, I sure am now. 

I don’t seem to be any different. I didn’t magically understand the answer to life, the universe and everything. Whichever kicks sucked before still suck now. My kids don’t listen any better to me. My ability to cook rice has not improved. 

But I feel different. The same different as when I first received my black belt.

Although the cat was let out of the bag early, this was a surprise. And I am thankful for that. I firmly believe that if I had been training the intention of challenging for my 5th that I would have taken another nine years. My intention would have been to be promoted, which would have tainted my training and my approach, always coloured by that ultimate goal instead of just plugging along trying to better myself. In this case, having my head in the sand was a benefit. 

Thank you to everyone who helped or attended the banquet last Saturday. I wasn’t joking when I had said it would either be epic or an epic fail, and thankfully it was epic. Period. Thank you Sifu Brinker for the relentless hours you put into it. And the relentless time and effort you’ve put into me and every other student of yours.

*no leeks were harmed in the making of this blog*

Oma

If someone were to ask me the definition of tough, I would have said my Oma.

She lived through and escaped from Nazi Germany. She emigrated to Canada, not knowing a lick of English. She built a beautiful life with her family first in Edmonton, then in Vernon.

She survived COVID. I’m not talking she survived through lockdowns, I mean she contracted, grew sick and then overcame COVID. At the ripe age of 98. 

I was beginning to believe her heart didn’t have the ability to stop beating. Maybe that’s where she got her stubbornness from. Her heart.

My Oma passed away Friday. She had been diagnosed with a blood clot in her leg. She fell asleep and never woke up.

Now that she is gone, I am struck with the sheer amount of knowledge that is gone with her. I’ve heard small pieces about her life in Germany. Small details that put me in awe of what she endured and overcame. 

I had planned on visiting my Oma Friday morning with my mom. They were allowing visitors because of her prognosis- there was not much they could do for the blood clot given her age and condition. I had planned on seeing her again, finally, for the first time since before the lockdowns, since before COVID was a term I had heard.

I had decided to postpone the visit. I did not want to travel in the icy cold with my kids. 

Turns out it was a decently warm day. 

I missed my opportunity because I took for granted that I would have another one. I missed my opportunity to learn about my families past because I always thought next time would be a better time to ask.

Then I couldn’t. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The past was lost.

Then I didn’t. I thought she would still be around when the weather cleared. Now she’s gone.

Seize every opportunity. Take nothing for granted. 

Snowmen

This past Friday was a day. I left the descriptor out on purpose, because I don’t know what would fit. 

I had a lot go wrong, big and small. Small things like the post office lost my package. Big things like I lost my Oma.

When I reflected back on my day before I went to sleep, I was shocked at how much had actually gone wrong. It felt like every hour held a new problem or new piece of bad news. I wasn’t shocked at the quantity, I was shocked that the quantity didn’t feel overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong. The news that my Oma had passed was a very, very tough hit. For so many reasons, one of which was that I had at the last minute decided to postpone my visit with her, which would have happened that morning. I now have to live with my regret.

What I mean is that I was shocked that my reaction was so... steady? I managed to take it all in stride and in proportion to the event. No snowballing. I did not consciously prevent the snowballing. Heck, I know and recognize a few other areas in my life where snowballing is currently happening.

So why didn’t I have a sumo sized snowman in my house when the day was over? I’m not totally sure, but I’m contributing it to two things.

First, COVID. If nothing else, this past year has taught me the value of those around me and the insignificance of the things around me. I am fortunate. I have gratitude.

Second, every lesson I’ve received about being in the moment. Every lesson I’ve received about appreciating what I have and who I have. All those lessons, the sum of my training. 

Have gratitude and you see your problems for what they are; moments in time, lessons, and if you can keep perspective, opportunity for growth. 

WHAT is your favourite colour? Blue! No, wait...

I’m guilty. When it comes to asking questions, it is always best to explore for yourself first, try to answer your own question using the knowledge you already have. If you do, the lesson will be yours on a much deeper level. However, I know that I’m guilty myself of skipping this step and just blurting out a question when it occurs to me. Then, when I receive an answer I have a “d’oh” moment. I knew that. Or at least I had the pieces that would have lead me to that.

It makes me feel like I threw away my chance at a lightbulb.

I’m working on it. I have a tendency of speaking before thinking, or thinking down the wrong road and asking the wrong question. I recognize when this occurs, which unfortunately is 95% of the questions I ask. 

Bring forward the knowledge I already have. This is number one. I know there are concepts that are universal, no matter what I am doing. Don’t sacrifice your center. Equal and opposite. Harmony across the body, top to bottom, left to right, corner to corner. Things of that nature.

I know I need to define my intent, and then support that intent. What does my left hand do? It supports the mission statement of my right hand. What does that look like? I dunno, refer to statement one- harmonies left to right. Push and pull. 

What I feel trumps what I think. So quit over analyzing and just do. Did that feel right? No. Tweak, did that feel right? Nope, worse. Tweak. Hey, that felt good! What did I do? 

Power trumps strength. When I feel fatigue in my shoulders or neck I know I’ve reverted to Caveman Khona. Caveman Khona gets tired fast. And grumpy. I don’t like Caveman Khona. I’d rather learn to use the earth than do pushups until my muscles squeak against each other. Besides, all that muscle would make it hard to fit in my kids’ couch fort.

It all sounds simple enough, but it’s so easy to brush off my own ability and rely on someone else to give me a quick and easy answer. But as we all know, the easy way isn’t usually the best way.