Fog and Fluff

I just finished taking a look at my numbers. To start with they weren't too bad, and then there was a big, gaping blank spot. I didn't stop doing but I stopped recording, so really, I don't have any accurate record of the last while. Or perhaps the big blank spot is a little too accurate. Huh.

Sifu Brinker didn't say anything last Saturday that I have never heard before. Nothing I didn't already know for myself, but this time something twanged in my head. Something got in there and has been bouncing around since Saturday, and even the fog that dropped when I drove away hasn't completely smothered it. Nothing specific, but for some reason I heard him this time whereas every other time I "heard" him without letting anything stick. As he says, we're all feeling warm and ambitious as the time. Then you leave, and everything gets lost again in the ether by the time you arrive home.

Well, I'm recording again. The numbers are creeping again, although now they look less enthusiastic and overly realistic. I have to invest in a fitbit or misfit or something along those lines again otherwise I'll never accurately measure my miles. I have to remind myself to drink that water again. I have to be mindful of when I do sit ups with the kids classes again. Again again again.

Hopefully the fog stays thin enough. Again.

Meteors

A few nights ago I couldn't sleep, so I go up and wandered outside. I started watching the meteor shower, saw the short lived streaks of light fading into non existence. Saw the stars behind them continue their glowing presence. It was beautiful.

Sometimes, remembering our insignificance in the grand cosmos can be daunting. When you look up and come to grips with exactly how much is above us and all around us that we cannot see or touch. Sometimes its depressing. That night however, it was comforting. That everything comes and goes just as quickly and just as brightly as those meteors. Just how quickly or brightly depends on the meteor. But the world never stops spinning, continues on anyways. I find that comforting.

"Good Enough"

I came across the blog site of someone I know who wrote the following; "If something is 'Good Enough', it is not mediocre, but neither is it gold plated. Perfection is the enemy of Good Enough, life is too short to waste on trying to build something perfect...".

I have to say, this rubs me the wrong way. In my mind the very definition of mediocre is 'good enough'. Not good, not bad, moderate quality. How would you like to be on your deathbed and think "My life was mediocre.". Sadly, most of us don't think that far ahead until it's too late.

So we have a chance. I do not want to know that anything I did was merely good enough. That the legacy I leave behind is merely good enough. That at my eulogy the only honest thing spoken is "she was good enough".

No. A life spent in the pursuit of mastery is not wasted. What is a blackbelt here other than a perfectionist control freak who understands the benefits of striving to be better. Why would a life spent always trying to do better be wasted? Once I reach perfect mastery then I'll say "Good Enough".

Never Too Old for Playtime!

First, quick update on my tummy issues. Doctors finally figured out that I had become hypersensitive to fats and MSG, causing my gallbladder and everything else to freak out any time I ate. So after a couple weeks of a bland, mostly liquid diet my system was able to reset and I'm back to normal.

More recent update, I somehow managed to break a bone in the back of my hand racing a friend in an inflatable obstacle course. I was winning to. Managed to finish the course, but lost unfortunately. So the result of that is I now have a half cast on one arm and an iv in the other and get to have surgery tomorrow to place two titanium screws in my hand. My first broken bone and a pick a great one to bust. So don't freak out if you see me at classes tonight with extra hardware. The way I see it is this just just my first step towards my lifelong goal of a bionic body with a titanium spine. One small piece at a time. Incremental progress, right?

So, no pushups for me. Unless I learn to do them one armed with a bad shoulder. I also think I'm past my quota for hospital trips this year. But those are some beautiful looking bones, are they not? Ignoring the broken one...

If Only...

So did anyone else watch Kung Fu Panda III and at the end hope that DreamWorks somehow had the quick, easy answer to mastering chi, maybe some magic philosophy that connected all the dots and pow! you're a chi goddess? Yeah, that was me.

Funny, things don't work that way. But then the rational side of me kicks in and thinks, well if it were that easy everyone could do it and it wouldn't be worth the pursuit. But that doesn't stop the dreamy side of me from wishing anyways.

I feel like have some of the necessary understanding, many of the necessary tools. What is lacking is the ability. Years of training behind me with many more years ahead of me before I can make a flower bloom. It's intimidating. You can't see any immediate results so you can't help but wonder if you're making any progress. I wouldn't want to find out after years of trudging down the path that I'm on the wrong path. There are few markers to tell you if you're heading the right way. Only a few moments that just seem right or moments when yeah, I can feel it, but am I feeling my chi or am I just having circulation problems in my hands?

Then, you meet people who figure they have it all mastered after a couple days at some seminar and poof! they have the ability to heal me. Look, there's a certificate on the wall so it must be true. I shake my head and think to myself, after 20 years I'm finally at a point where I stand a chance of learning this stuff and she's telling me that after 20 hours she's a master. I must be missing the world's largest piece of the puzzle here. Or maybe they just understood the lesson better than me at the end of Kung Fu Panda.

By the way, the yin yang move at the end doesn't work either. No glowing paw pads here. Looks cool though.

Jiggs

Just before my high school graduation my bf at the time wanted to get me a grad gift. I remember very distinctly telling him not a puppy. My parents and I did not need another dog (we had 7) and I knew that his parents had a new litter of Pomeranian puppies looking for homes. So I had an idea of what his plan was and told him no puppies.

A few weeks later, I had a new puppy. A tiny ball of fluff. He could fit in my dad's shirt pocket. My mom named him Jigger. The name fit, as he was a tiny, dancing ball of fluff.

Alas, I moved away a couple months later and could not bring him along. From day one he wasn't my dog, however. He claimed my dad, and my dad fell for him. Forever more he was my fathers dog.

It's true what they say, that dogs and owners reflect each other. Jiggs would never leave my fathers side, and bark like crazy if dad left without him. He rode in the milk crate on the quad with him and at meal times would be found at my dads feet, waiting for his share. He was loyal as only a dog can be.

Jiggs is gone now. He passed while I was away, and even though he was never truly my dog he leaves a hole where a tiny fluffy dog used to be. It's a cruel joke, how you can become so attached to a dog and their lifespan will never match your own. I guess that's part of the reason why they mean so much to you.

I'm Just Ranting

My apologies, I find it hard to fill people in on some topics without it sounding like I'm complaining. Thats not my intention.

So, yes, I'm having some sort of health meltdown at the moment. After three days in and out of the hospital I have no concrete answers, just some maybe this, maybe that? from the doctors. After a night of agony I was sent home with pain meds and a promise of an ultrasound to confirm their suspicions (gallstones, they believe). The medication is helping and I feel like a human again today. A very cautious human, as too much bounce in my step or the wrong foods set me off.

So where does this leave me now? I have some very mixed emotions. Unlike physical injury where I know what is wrong, why it's wrong, what not to do and where I'm headed, today I'm feeling skeptical, worried and guilty. Yeah, I know, guilt is useless. Doesn't mean it's not present. I can't do what I wanted to get done, what I promised I would do, what I feel I need to do. Yeah, I have lots of other things I can be working on, projects and things on the other side of the coin. But that is not where I feel I'm lacking. I want to fix what I'm lacking and it seems that as soon as I find the motivation to do so my body lets me down and in turn I let those around me down.

I'm sure that I'll come around, shake it off and get back on track. It's not the first wall I've crashed into, not the last. I know there are others in worse situations, with fewer opportunities. Gallstones are not a big issue. The associated pain will pass. But the feeling of being useless... sucks.