I’m Still Here

I’m finally enjoying putting together a form, which doesn’t sound like much but for me it’s huge. I’m using YouTube as a base but changing things to suit me and make it more Kempo. I’m struggling with a couple steps, making it work with how I want to turn and how I want to end up.

I’ve been working on my ukulele requirement. It feels nice to pick it up again. And it makes the babies smile. Strangely enough the inspiration from the kids movie Trolls. Who would have thought.

Years ago I decided a good requirement would be to complete a room in the house. I had picked the living room- and no, it’s not complete. It’s hard when it relies on so many things outside my control but we’ve made a lot of progress throughout the whole house and that makes me happy. I managed to get the entire upstairs completed, mostly when I was pregnant, starting right from the studs. Goes to show what you can accomplish when you have the motivation. Just missing one door, which is on Nicks to do list.

I can recall so many times when I was able to accomplish so much; the key was having the right reason to do it. There are some requirements I’m already struggling on so I’m trying to change my approach, find the reason that will give me the drive to see them through. Blogging being one of them. Right now I have a little voice saying just shut up and do it. You’d think with so many beneficial and logical reasons this would be a no brainer.

Progress is Progress

I’m finding it difficult to keep up with all the requirements. I feel like I’ve been having to pick my battles; I have no excuse not to do the sit ups and pushups so those are the best numbers I have, but putting together my weapons form is creeping at a painfully slow rate. I can’t really swing a weapon around or even work on my stepping with my two critters at my feet. I regret not taking advantage of my access to the kwoon when I could; now I have to battle my guilt when I am there.

I didn’t mean to start this off on such a negative note. On the contrary, I feel like I’m finally being forced to add structure to my life. And that is a good thing. I’m reminding myself to stay present when I’m with my kidlets. I’m able to focus better when I have a chance to work on paperwork or a project as the opportunity can end at any moment. As a result I feel the quality of my work and time spent in general is higher. Although I have no time my time is well spent.

Normally a blog like this would have taken me 20 minutes to write and edit. This one was over three days. C’est le vie. And Carter just woke up so...

What We Do

I have a memory from elementary school that is as vivid now as the day it happened. I was a kid that befriended anyone, didn’t belong to any one “click” but wandered as I pleased and I feel like I was accepted by most in this role. I remember one day at recess I was with a few friends, one of which I considered my best friend. I don’t remember the circumstances but I do remember the girls I was with started picking on another girl, calling her names, pushing her to the ground. I was young, I didn’t know what to do but I knew instinctively that it was wrong. But I didn’t do anything about it. I stood back and watched it happen with wide eyes and later when this girl reported what happened I was named as one of the girls that was bullying her. I remember being called into the office, the incident went on my report, my parents were contacted and I felt so ashamed but I also felt it was unjustified, it was not me! I didn’t do it!

This was before Kung Fu but I still had the understanding that it was wrong. I just didn’t know what to do and even if I had I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to my best friend and risk the fallout.

When I see all the kids lined up in front of me I can remember what it was like at that age. Nothing was more important than acceptance from my peers. When I was older I remember being on the other side of the fence but it never bothered me. It just didn’t bother me if someone didn’t like me and I always knew that they’d come around or just quit. I had good friends and I felt secure in who I was. No one else could tell me who I was.

What do we teach? Too many just see the kicks and the stances and the pushups and the punches. They are only tools. The physical skills that we teach and develop are only tools to teach real Kung Fu, real self defence. In our lessons we encourage personal excellence, and make sure we acknowledge the big and little milestones alike. The words we use will never break a child or student down. We ensure we build up confidence, the real kind of confidence that comes from competence. Not the phony kind that stems from low self esteem. We teach the kids to love themselves, and if they can’t in the moment then we will for them. We temper this with a drive to always improve because no one is perfect. We’ll be excited for them at the things they achieve, especially if they’re too shy to be excited for themselves. We will accept them for who they are in each moment.

Do we teach kids how to handle conflicts and bullys? Every day. You may not hear the term or even see the dots in any given class. Given time these kids will not only have the skills to deal with conflict, but they will also have the conviction to do what is right but hard, the passion to excel at what they love, the confidence to admit and accept their faults, and the determination to never quit trying to improve.

I know now that I was rightly named and I acted no better than the girls directly involved. It felt horrible in my heart but I did not have the skills to handle the situation. As a result I feel shame when I think about it. If a child has a similar memory when they’re an adult, I want them to be able to think about it with pride instead of shame. This is what we do in Kung Fu.

Welcome Back to the Beginning

The banquet is behind us and I have to say the people recognized that night were truly extraordinary, each displaying what hard work and dedication can accomplish. Well done to you all, I’m proud to be able to train beside you.

I’m looking forward to the new year and the new team. I know that I never got back on track last year as I should have and could have done, so a reset like this is welcome and much needed. I have no excuses and no physical limitations other than those I can improve, which are the best kind.

I need to change the way I approach this year. I know I am not lazy- the kilometres I wrack up in a day can attest to that. What I need is to work on my time management skills and my ability to balance all my priorities so that one doesn’t get left to wilt. I need to create the habits that will make this sustainable and successful, something I have yet to accomplish. I know how; its written down for all to see. Less yak, more smack.

This Year

Looking back on the year is something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. So much has changed for me, my life does not look the same as it did a year ago.

I’ve learned the value of patience. Not just waiting for the coffee maker, but eight years of waiting for our little man and little lady to arrive. Patience to sit up all night with a baby who had a nightmare and enjoy it. Patience with myself because I cannot get it all done. Typical parenting stuff.

Unfortunately, a large portion of my year was defined by just surviving. I almost died. Not many people know how serious my condition was when I was in the hospital, but I was close to not making it out. The thought of which absolutely devastates me when I think of it in conjunction with the two little ones playing beside me now.

I have never been tested as I was this year. My strength, my character, my ability to stay calm and move forward. I had the physical strength to recover. I had the mental strength to take it day by day, do what I needed to do to get better and not (completely) break down with the thought of missing their first month of life. I had the intelligence to listen to the doctors, abide by the nurses and to take it easy when I got home. I had the perseverance to maintain my milk supply for a month in between ct scans and surgeries. I had the motivation and ability to return to classes in September, when I had originally said I would. I contribute all of these in large part to the IHC and to the lessons I’ve received over the years.

My scars from this ordeal will never leave me. The difference is that I have the ability to look at them and feel pride and immense gratitude. The devastation of missing out on their first month is ever present in the back of my mind but it does not shape my thoughts or actions.

Challenge Accepted

I just read Mr. Dyble’s blog and he challenged us non bloggers to blog, so here it is. I’m sitting in a parking lot waiting for my mom so I have a moment. I should take advantage of these moments more often, they’ve become less frequent as of late.

I’m trying to achieve something with regards to my goals this year but none are really on track. Little bit here, little bit here. I’m sure that’s obvious by my lack of blogging. My goal of losing my baby weight is nearly complete, but I can’t attribute that to my hard work. A month in the hospital is to thank for that. I wish I had kept up with the ukulele. I’m sure my babies would have enjoyed that. My weapon is in pieces; that one I’ll varry on into next year. Most will be carried on into next year.

Thanks for the poke Mr. Dyble. It was much needed.

Clarity of Values

I've been finding myself talking to my babies, asking them the same series of questions. Who are you? Who are you going to be? What kind of person will you become? I'm feeling the weight of the responsibility I have now. I created these critters and I am responsible for how they are raised, what lessons they learn, what qualities they value.

I want them to be kind, to have compassion. I want them to value all life because all life has value. I want them to be strong and confident, to have no fear voicing their opinions or acting on their beliefs. I want family to be ever present in their lives, to always have someone to lean on when they are in need. I want them to have courage enough to change the world.

I have my work cut out for me. And thinking about it, I find myself becoming more and more grateful for the opportunities I have in life and that I'll be able to give to them. Where we live, what we have. I'm grateful for the tools I have at my disposal; one of the biggest is learning kung fu, and at this school in particular.

I've always had my reasons for training. My reasons today have evolved from what they were a year ago, a decade ago. At this point in try life one of the biggest reasons I'm here is for my two critters. Not the only reason but one of the foremost now. So I ask, what are your reasons? What value does kung fu bring you? Because lately its value to me has never been clearer.