So Now What

I am definitely one who can slide into a mediocre existence without realizing it. I don’t actively make the choice, although on some levels yes I do.

With the changes in routine and the unrelenting needs of twins I feel like there is less time in the days now and next to no time at night. I feel perpetual stress over getting things done and feel like I am perpetually spinning my wheels. Or, alternately, I’ll make the time to get something done, a project completed or a room cleaned or the lawn raked, and then feel guilt over the time I am not with the twins.

And that’s the thing. Everything is now a two man job. One to take care of the kids, the other to accomplish whatever task is at hand. Which means I cannot accomplish anything without 1. Taking up someone else’s time, and 2. Not being with my kids.

Add to that lack of sleep. Not all the babies fault at all. Yes, Carter still gets terrors and Sydney gets nightmares. But after they are in bed is when I feel the most pressure to accomplish, since then it is just my time and I don’t have to ask anyone else for theirs. Which means my nights are full steam until usually 11:30 or midnight. Then unwind and try to sleep, which also sucks because of my back, hip, shoulder. So, I’m tossing and turning until either I have to get up and move around to get rid of the aches, a kid wakes up screaming or morning arrives, usually at 6am.

Whatever reps I manage are not getting documented. Which adds to the stress as it now feels like squandered energy. I can’t afford to waste time or energy. But I do, daily.

I am not living in the moment.

I’m not sure what the point of this is. Vent, whine, make excuses. Not sure, but at least I better understand my stressors. I didn’t even know I was stressed...

It’s Earth Day!

I imagine everyone has a lot on their minds given our current world situation. An uncertain future makes even the most secure individual uneasy, and no one can predict what the world will look like once this pandemic is over. But we can be hopeful.

An unexpected result that I’ve observed is conservation. People around our lake are being more careful with their water because it has to be hauled in, creating possible risk. People are being smarter with their food, wasting less and cooking more. People are turning to baking, creating, reusing and refurbishing. We’re making smarter financial decisions, being less frivolous with our money.

I can hope that some of these habits will remain in place after the crisis is over. I think if we reflected enough, we’d see some valuable lessons; even in peaceful and secure times the future is uncertain. However we can stack the odds with a little foresight; understand, acknowledge and accept the fact that our world is directly impacted by our decisions and then base our decisions not on what we want today, but what we want for a future.

Happy 50th Earth Day everyone. Let’s show our home a little extra love today.

Kung Fu Saved My Son

I’m not exaggerating.

Normally I’m so careful, paranoid. I’ve had nightmares about it. But it’s 4am, he’s having his third night terror and I’ve hardly slept. I missed the top step. And I’m carrying Carter.

This was two nights ago and it still fills my thoughts. Unfortunately, instinct caused me to throw my arms wide trying to catch myself. I can still see so vividly his fragile body completely airborne and free falling towards the stairs. I’m crying thinking about it.

Thankfully I reacted fast enough. I reached out and pulled him tight to my chest before either of us hit. He’s perfectly fine. Me, I ache down the entire right side of my body where I took the full impact. I’m bruised and I’m sore. But I am so happy. He’s fine.

I don’t write this for sympathy. I write this because I never want to see another student walk away or another parent pull their child. You don’t know what Kung Fu can do for you until it does.

And I am grateful. Thank you to every student who ever gave me the chance to deepen my understanding, to every classmate who threw a thousand punches at me, allowing me to develop the art, quicken my reflexes and sharpen my mind. Thank you to Sifu Brinker, my mentor, for dedicating yourself to us and this school, and for every opportunity and the abundance of guidance.

Thank you to my mom, who never had “quit” in her vocabulary.

Connect

Today I find myself sprawled on my living room floor, iPad open, staring out my patio door contemplating the meaning of together and struggling to articulate my thoughts. Now that I have the stage set for you, I’ll get on with it.

Now more than ever we need to come together as a community. Which seems oxymoronic, since all news and headlines across the world are begging people to stay away, self isolate, practice social distancing. However, we cannot equate physical distance or barriers to whether we are together or not. We can’t, otherwise we are alone when we need each other the most.

Coming together as a community does not require us to be in the same room or province or country. It simply requires us to connect, and thankfully we have technology today to allow just that, even during this pandemic that is trying to tear us apart. As much as I prefer to minimize screen time, what I do with my time in front of a screen changes the dynamic.

I struggle to write something that portrays the importance of our engagement in our training. Expanding this, I’m trying to portray the importance of our engagement in our communities, through our training and through other avenues.

Today I FaceTimed with my mom. Sydney almost cried, seeing her but unable to reach her. Despite the distance I felt close to my mom and moved by my daughter. The emotions were real. The experience was real.

Take advantage of everything this place has to offer. Every time someone doesn’t engage, misses a class or leaves the school, each time it is a connection lost. And we all need more connection, not less.

Honey Delivery

Well, this is a new feeling, isn’t it? With Nick home this last week and no classes every day has felt like Sunday. He’s returning to work tomorrow and I’m feeling a lot of anxiety. Chances are he’ll be back home at the end of the week as most of their jobs are shut down but in the meantime...

Regardless, I am looking to make the most of the situation. Yesterday I made a house call to one of my neighbours, delivering honey and offering my grocery delivery services. I just returned from the doorstep of another neighbour with the same offer; this particular neighbour is already of poor health and I’ve been doing what I can for him for years. He’s a bachelor living alone with severe health problems. Myself, being able bodied, I feel that I need to take responsibility for him. Just the look of relief on his face when I offered made me smile. We can choose to pull together or tear each other apart. I choose the former.

Plateau

I’ve been trying to jot down blog topics as they occur to me, however it seems that when I get back to them and want to write something the moment is gone and the topics, although I remember them, have lost their clarity for me. So several failed attempts there.

I’m in a rut with most of my requirements. I feel like I’ve hit a plateau regarding my personal ones specifically. I’ve made several substantial changes while striving for zero waste; a few examples being changing where and how I shop, using unpackaged soaps and shampoos, and using a safety razor (not for the faint of heart). Biggest by far is adopting the minimalistic lifestyle. Although I am miles away from my ideal, I can proudly say my wardrobe has been reduced to an approximately three foot section in our closet. I’ve let go of over half of my kitchen ware. I even carved down my stockpile of blankets (now you know, I have a thing for blankets).

Despite this, progress feels like its ground to a halt. I struggle to convey my desire to my husband and family, and although they are all supportive, if you don’t understand you won’t think twice about purchases and the like.

On a good note, Nick has been selling some of his tools on Kijiji. I never thought he’d part with anything, but he said my purging rubbed off on him. So yay. At least I know I made an impression on one person.

Regardless, I look around my home and still see a mass of plastic. I look in my pantry and see packages next to glass jars. I look at my recycle bins, full and overflowing. I look at my garbage- never empty.

I have to say, this society does not make doing the right thing easy. If you say “no straw please” you get odd looks. Try to buy a cucumber without packaging. Try to convince others that less is more and empty space in your home is what you desire.

On Kung Fu and Ogres

With all the changes to the syllabus and the outlining of the curriculum I have been fortunate to be able to listen to discussions and read blog posts regarding learning and teaching. From everything I’ve seen, by far the coolest thing about Kung Fu is that you never arrive. And what I finally realized is that teaching is just as layered and just as cool as learning.

Obviously you can always get better at something which means there is always something new to learn. But the depth of insight it takes to be a truly great teacher is awe inspiring. I remember the first class I taught in Onoway solo. I was shaking in my boots. I remember the technique I covered; spinning back fist. This was solely because I felt adequate with the technique and didn’t want to make a fool of myself. Then, after years of teaching, I finally felt comfortable in the role and forged ahead as I saw fit, not just as I felt I could.

I realize now how damaging my approach may have been to the students. What I taught depended on what I hadn’t covered recently and how I taught didn’t change from class to class. I had little to no empathy for what my students really needed besides what holes where present in their knowledge. I thought that was all there was.

I now know to look deeper. Sometimes a nudge is all that’s needed. Sometimes a discussion is required. Sometimes the best instruction is no instruction.

There are so many layers to teaching. What knowledge do I have that they need is such a small part. Compassion for a student is so much more valuable than knowledge. For a few years now I ask myself why? Why are they doing what they’re doing or moving the way they’re moving? Quite often I cannot answer the question for myself. I see it, I don’t understand it. I am glad I have the confidence to approach someone with more experience than myself, for every time I do I learn and I become a little better for it.