This Is What Happens When You Think You Don’t Have Much to Write About but Dang It I’m Going to Sit Down and Do It Anyways

There have been quite a few moments lately that I find myself hitting a threshold, flirting with losing my temper or wanting to just throw my hands up and walk away. If I’m honest, I’ve more than flirted. There are stressors in anyone’s life. There have always been stressors in my own life, but I’m usually pretty logical and level headed when it comes to dealing with them. I experience the initial shock or knee jerk reaction, but then I can slow myself down and proceed with less heat and more thought.

I think it has to do with the added pressure of being responsible for two tiny humans. Now a days everyone seems to have an opinion on how to parent, when to parent, why to parent. The previous generation did it wrong, the previous generation did it right. This new generation is so much more educated. This new generation is ruining their kids. You read too much, you should trust instinct. You should read this book, it explains everything. 

Things were getting pretty bad, I’ll admit. I had never experienced waking up that mad. And honestly, I knew going to bed why I was mad, but waking up the next day it wouldn’t matter why, it just was. Mad at the husband, mad at the cat, mad at the dog, mad at the husband, mad at the kitchen counter, mad at the husband. Did I mention the husband?

I’ll stop you right there. I had reasons. Logical, all too real reasons. But my reactions were becoming non productive and self sabotaging. I see that now; I was so focused on not ruining my kids that I didn’t see that I was ruining my kids with my mood. No wonder they’d run to daddy first. Then I’d get upset. Then they’d run faster. Then I’d cry.

As I said, I’m usually fairly good at proceeding logically. It just took a lot longer this time. 

What changed? Not the stressors. We’re talking about tackling potty training, so hey, lets just add to the stress pile. Sounds fun. 

I changed my mind, that’s what happened. I decided I didn’t want to be mad, and I let it go ❄️. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself).

I listened to the wisdom of others around me and I thought about what I have and what I should be grateful for. And I saw how my emotions were tainting everything I had, reflecting back at me. I became grateful for those around me, for their efforts and concern instead of resentful. 

I noticed the age of my dog and immediately hated myself for being mad and so impatient with her. 

Then I quit doing damage. And I petted my dog.

Time

I used to think there wasn’t enough time in the day. Not to say I was wrong; the way I was going about my days I was absolutely right, I did not have enough time. 

But the thing is, I have never had enough time. I’ve had long hour jobs. I took over the Onoway school. Then I ran the Onoway school while living an hour away and attending full time university. And now I have kids. But you know what? So what? It’s not like time is being stripped away from me.

So when do I fit in Kung Fu? 

Saturday afternoon found me picking rosehips in the bush across the road from my home. Something I haven’t “had the time” for in years. While I was picking them I made sure to never strip a bush completely. Remember, those rosehips were grown by that bush for a very specific reason, and so I could take them is not the reason. That plant invested a massive amount of energy into creating the flowers, attracting the bees, growing thorns to keep critters like myself away and then finally creating a beautiful fruit whose purpose is to perpetuate the life of the plant. 

I was also mindful of any other critters around, be it a spider who made a home between two hips or the caterpillar I saw on a branch. I could have just knocked them away and taken the fruit, but why? There are plenty. Their home and security is worth more than that specific rosehip is worth to me. 

I made sure to use a colander to collect the fruit and then let them sit for a bit outside. Just to give any critters I missed a chance to get out before I gave them an unwanted bath. 

Last, I made sure to make enough jelly to provide for my family as well as to share. People need to share their resources and skills more without expecting compensation. In my mind, anyways.

So when do I fit in Kung Fu?

Seems to me that entire process was a chance to practice my Kung Fu. The art of Kung Fu is ninety percent mental, is it not? 

As for time, we have enough. We just have to be honest in how we spend our time and honest in our priorities. If we’re clear about it, then we have the time for it.

Evolution

There has been a lot of chatter regarding the upcoming black belt grading, which naturally lead me to start thinking about my own grading and the events leading up to it. I can’t say I remember much about the actual grading. Counting the letters on the sign in front of me while holding the flexed arm hang. My legs shaking uncontrollably during the horse stance. Sifu Olsvik hitting the mats with a massive charley horse. 

What I do remember vividly is my preparation in the months leading up. The I Ho Chuan did not exist, therefore I had to find my own stepping stones. I knew I needed to condition my body, therefore I did 150 push ups, sit ups and leg lifts nightly. I remember doing them on my bedroom floor, using my little pink throw rug as a mat while my tiny tube tv played Dawson’s Creek or The X-Files. 

I did not know my grading mates, other than Sifu Olsvik. He and I worked months on our techniques, refining and changing them completely on occasion. 

I ran frequently (I had heard nightmares about the 2k run). I studied the theory, memorized the Code of Ethics, read and reread Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance (that took me the full year, I suggest getting on that asap). 

Most importantly, I made sure I was informed on all expectations, deadlines and requirements. Oh, and I made sure I was significantly early (definitely didn’t want to be excluded due to a late assignment or a train crossing on the day of). Sixteen year old me had to become responsible and decide how I wanted to define myself. 

Of course things are different today. The process has evolved, and as a result every new crop of black belts seems to get better and better. 

Moral of the story- the I Ho Chuan is everything you need to do for grading prep all wrapped up in a neat little package. Sifu Brinker did all the figuring out for you, all you need to do is just follow the instructions. 

Me? I had to first determine what I was lacking and what I needed to do about it and then figure out how to do it. You? The how to do it is already defined for you. What you should be doing is defining the why behind each how. 

Mud & Oysters

Although classes have changed and we are unable to approach our training the same way we have in the past, I'm seeing opportunity amongst the hardships. Just because things had to change does not mean the changes cannot be great. And I'm seeing people embrace these changes, as well as people who are stagnating, waiting for things to change back. 

 The biggest changes that catch my eye have occured with the parents. Since we are not able to be hands on, most of you know we've had to enlist the help of the parents in the Lil' Leopards. And I love it. The majority of the parents are right in there like a pig in mud, and you can see how much the kids are loving it. This engagement has me estatic. 

 Anyone who has read the articles I wrote a while back will know that I wholeheartedly believe that this is the key to the kingdom for a child. A parents engagement (or lack thereof) can rewrite a childs' future.

I tested this out recently in the Black Dragons classes. I was a little nervous going in, unsure how the parents would respond to the class or the notion. And I was thrilled at the results. Most of the parents were throwing their first kicks with more enthusiasm than I've seen in a while. And when it came to using the pool noodles... There definitely wasn't a bored face in the room. 

 So there it is. One of the silver linings I've found. Anyone who is feeling that this pandemic nothing but a hardship and you cannot thrive I challenge you to change your attitude. A hardship can become a blessing if you change your perspective. If you can't see opportunity then I urge you to create one. All it takes is a change in attitude and the world is your oyster.

Idiocy

Apologies to my teammates and instructors. I know I’ve been mia lately. And that’s inexcusable.

I’ll be honest, at the moment my training is not the priority. It is a priority, but other priorities have knocked it down on the list. My lack of numbers and blogs can attest to that.

So where am I? I want to let you all know so that no one thinks I’ve quit. I’m currently in the middle of sleep training Sydney. Once she’s handled I’ll have my hands full with training Carter. I won’t bore you with details, but sufficed to say that a series of unfortunate events and poor choices has led us to where we are and all I can do is handle it before things get worse. So, I bit the bullet and here we are.

Of course, this does not account for the lack of accountability prior to the training. That’s just on me. Some of my requirements are on track, mostly my personal ones, where the rest are very much not. I’ve written this before; when I stop to analyze where I am I can see that the requirements that I’m doing okay at are the ones I’ve set for others. I’m moving ahead with reducing plastic & waste in my home. I’m (slowly) planning how to get recycling into my community. I’ve buckled down and made appointments for myself- I have a dentist appointment next week, actually.

I see that last one not so much for me, but my kids. I want them to value themselves, and therefore I have to set the example. I remember once Sifu Brinker, in reference to kids, saying to me that first you have to get them to do it for you. Then you get them to do it for themselves. Makes so much sense. So why do I not take care of myself unless I have to?

It’s hard to shake that mentality, that time for me is wasteful, or worse yet, selfish. Logically I know this to be wrong. And yet that is exactly where my brain goes when I think about calling for that chiropractor appointment, allergist appointment, dentist appointment. I need to look at it at a different angle, change my perspective, but I’m not sure how to smarten myself up.

May we all close the gap between what we believe and how we act in the world.
-Timber Hawkeye

Just Dandy

I love to try new recipes, and for some reason I always choose to try them when there is an occasion. For my kids’ birthday I decided to bake dandelion cookies. They’re cookies and there’s an abundance of of the main ingredient a few steps from my door, why wouldn’t I?

According to Nick, they’re amazing. Perfect amount of softness with a bit of caramelized crunch on the outside. It was fun watching my mom pick one up and proceed to try to pick the “hair” out of it. They’re fibrous, due to the petals. And they’re nummy. Mind you, its hard to find a bad cookie recipe.

This act of baking with ingredients in my own yard always brings me joy. When I get to harvest all the offerings nature gives, make something delicious and then I get to share it with those around me. There’s few acts that make me feel so peaceful. I feel more in touch with my surroundings.

However, this time of year always comes with its discord. How can people hold such animosity towards a plant? A plant, just doing plant things. In fact, these pretty guys do more good than most humans and definitely less harm. So why the mad panic to Kill! Kill! Kill! That’s right, because they’ve been deemed “undesirable”. By who, I don’t really know.

Have you ever noticed that the weeds in one region equals flowers in another? You think if the dandelion wasn’t in such abundance here it would still be treated like the enemy of civilization?

So Now What

I am definitely one who can slide into a mediocre existence without realizing it. I don’t actively make the choice, although on some levels yes I do.

With the changes in routine and the unrelenting needs of twins I feel like there is less time in the days now and next to no time at night. I feel perpetual stress over getting things done and feel like I am perpetually spinning my wheels. Or, alternately, I’ll make the time to get something done, a project completed or a room cleaned or the lawn raked, and then feel guilt over the time I am not with the twins.

And that’s the thing. Everything is now a two man job. One to take care of the kids, the other to accomplish whatever task is at hand. Which means I cannot accomplish anything without 1. Taking up someone else’s time, and 2. Not being with my kids.

Add to that lack of sleep. Not all the babies fault at all. Yes, Carter still gets terrors and Sydney gets nightmares. But after they are in bed is when I feel the most pressure to accomplish, since then it is just my time and I don’t have to ask anyone else for theirs. Which means my nights are full steam until usually 11:30 or midnight. Then unwind and try to sleep, which also sucks because of my back, hip, shoulder. So, I’m tossing and turning until either I have to get up and move around to get rid of the aches, a kid wakes up screaming or morning arrives, usually at 6am.

Whatever reps I manage are not getting documented. Which adds to the stress as it now feels like squandered energy. I can’t afford to waste time or energy. But I do, daily.

I am not living in the moment.

I’m not sure what the point of this is. Vent, whine, make excuses. Not sure, but at least I better understand my stressors. I didn’t even know I was stressed...