So I'm sitting here, in my car by a hotel in Vegreville, because this is the only place in town with internet access. I want to write something, but I have no idea what is going to come out. So bear (bare?) with me.
I had a nightmare two nights ago. It was the result of a book I was reading (a good book too) where the heroine is being stalked by a bunch of bad guys. Nothing big, nothing new. But when I went to bed, its all I could think of. When sleep finally took over (around 130) I had a dream where my doorbell was ringing, and even though I knew it was bad, and I took precautions, a big burly bad guy with a butcher knife managed to pin me behind the door. Problem was, he was handicapped, and although he was only stabbing at the wall beside me, I was so scared because I couldn't understand his intentions or what he would do if I moved. I woke up wimpering.
So we all have has those daydreams about bad guys breaking in, and we save the day with our ability to stay cool and collected. I very frequently think about defeating the bad guys. So why was this dream so much different? I felt defeated in this dream, completely helpless. I didn't know what to do. Why?
The possibilities I've thought of are these:
- I was unable to read or judge my opponent in any way
- I was unable to read or judge my opponent in any way
- I panicked
- Due to being handicapped, the guy was as defenseless as me, minus the knife
- It was in the middle of the night, when everybody has illogical fears
I think I'm over analyzing this. However, I can't help but acknowledge the doubt that has wormed its way into my head. If I was attacked, say, in a dark alley, would I react like that, freeze up and wimper? Do I have the strength to even take down a guy if needed? Ack. This feeling is really crappy. I don't like it.
My training is my comfort. My blanket (blankie to me) when I was little. No matter where I go or what I do, it will always be there because I will never let it go. So the way I resolve this dilemma is just that. To acknowledge my dream as being only a dream, and acknowledging my training as always being there, as reliable and as strong as a I make it.
Never feel bad if you think nightmares are scary. I'm twenty four, and I seriously got up and locked all the doors after that one. Geez.
1 comment:
I often create situations like this in my head when I'm daydreaming and it used to scare me because I'd pull all my elbows and any other strikes when I'd think about it because in my head it's a movie and so you have to pull things, but then I thought about actually defending myself and I got worried. I started working more on a heavy bag and it's increased my confidence. We all get that way and there is no fix, but don't worry; we're doing a lot more than the girl next door does to prevent these situations. Sleep tight :)
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