Don't Know What To Do? Drop a Bomb!

Today I found myself watching CNN and the Mumbai Massacre. I tend to stay away from these programs for one reason- I'm selfish and find it hard to stay happy when I am constantly bombarded with avoidable death and loss. I don't get it. What is the point? All these terrorist groups and all these righteous groups. They don't understand that they are all acting the same, creating the same outcomes. Death. Thats it. Do they really believe that is the answer? Death? That if we kill the wrongdoers, remembering that they are the rightdoers in their own eyes, it is the way to peace and enlightenment? The outcome is the same, no matter who is behind the gun or bomb or hostage. Why does no one get that?!?


I'm finding lately I get more emotional over everything, big and little. Anyone who is human probably is, knowing the world today is no better off than during the Vikings, the Crusade, WWI and WWII. We all figure we are smarter, educated, enlightened. We figure that what they did was wrong. Killing all those people? That was wrong. What are we doing? We're 'freeing the country from terror' or 'eraticating the threat". Thats not wrong! Ha! Its the same damn thing! We are still killing people who don't agree with us. That is the bottom line. No wonder violence in schools and cities is increasing. That is what the youth of today is learning. Kill those who don't agree.

This is why my blog is named what it is. I know its awkward English. But honestly, if we could just stop and think like sane animals, we'd be farther along than we are now. Act out of compassion and we'd truly be enlightened.

Now, we can just kill more efficiently. Thats all we have learned.

Lightbulbs are Great

So I promised a post and here it is. Like many of you, I keep a seperate, private journal. This is part of one entry I wrote very recently after simply standing on my driveway and, for the first time since I've lived there, really saw everything that surrounded me. By we I mean Nick and I.

"I was standing outside today and I finally saw what we have, what we have done and what we have accomplished in this short time. At the same time, I finally saw what I could have done and what I have not done. I am capable of so much more. I have the ability to change everything I see, all I need is the will to go through with it. I need to use all of my ability to do it, but I know in the end I will be able to take pride in what I have done. From small things like our yard, to make it something to take pride in. The upcomming UBBT, something I know will be wracked with mental and physical pain, but nevertheless something I am capable of and something that in the end has the potential to change the very person I am into the person I want to be. I think to myself now, why whould I not go through with it? To the very end, to my full potential? It would be foolish to ever let the thought cross my mind that anything is too hard or too insignificant."

I don't know what has held me back up to this point. I thought to myself standing outside, after finally realizing what I could be capable of, that now the difference is that I don't know how I can ever let it hold me back again. What a waste of a life that would be, and I am unwilling to let my life be wasted.

Its utterly amazing how someone can have a huge moment like that. I feel like that was the single most important lightbulb (lamp, I mean) that has ever clicked for me. Not to mention the brightest.

Nightmare on Elms Street All Over Again

So I'm sitting here, in my car by a hotel in Vegreville, because this is the only place in town with internet access. I want to write something, but I have no idea what is going to come out. So bear (bare?) with me.

I had a nightmare two nights ago. It was the result of a book I was reading (a good book too) where the heroine is being stalked by a bunch of bad guys. Nothing big, nothing new. But when I went to bed, its all I could think of. When sleep finally took over (around 130) I had a dream where my doorbell was ringing, and even though I knew it was bad, and I took precautions, a big burly bad guy with a butcher knife managed to pin me behind the door. Problem was, he was handicapped, and although he was only stabbing at the wall beside me, I was so scared because I couldn't understand his intentions or what he would do if I moved. I woke up wimpering.

So we all have has those daydreams about bad guys breaking in, and we save the day with our ability to stay cool and collected. I very frequently think about defeating the bad guys. So why was this dream so much different? I felt defeated in this dream, completely helpless. I didn't know what to do. Why?

The possibilities I've thought of are these:
- I was unable to read or judge my opponent in any way

- I panicked

- Due to being handicapped, the guy was as defenseless as me, minus the knife

- It was in the middle of the night, when everybody has illogical fears

I think I'm over analyzing this. However, I can't help but acknowledge the doubt that has wormed its way into my head. If I was attacked, say, in a dark alley, would I react like that, freeze up and wimper? Do I have the strength to even take down a guy if needed? Ack. This feeling is really crappy. I don't like it.

My training is my comfort. My blanket (blankie to me) when I was little. No matter where I go or what I do, it will always be there because I will never let it go. So the way I resolve this dilemma is just that. To acknowledge my dream as being only a dream, and acknowledging my training as always being there, as reliable and as strong as a I make it.

Never feel bad if you think nightmares are scary. I'm twenty four, and I seriously got up and locked all the doors after that one. Geez.

Look Up, You Doorknob

So, it hasn't been two weeks and I feel like I've hit a roadblock. Or, maybe its more like I hit the ditch. After all, I feel like I built the beepin' thing. I know I am falling behind on my goals. I'm clinging to the fact that they are not out of reach, and I know that all I need is a swift kick in the butt. So somebody kick me!

I'm realizing that I personally need both encouragement and butt whoopin' in balance. It's easy to get down on yourself, and to start thinking pessimistically. But it is equally easy to think you are doing better than you really are when there is no one to check up on you. In other words, if you can't see the light, get someone to point it out for you. Does this sound like raising a kid to anyone else?

So, this is me, checking up on myself. I am falling behind, but I will catch up. I have to, and I want to. One encouraging thing is, I have advanced in other areas of my training without actively planning to. Huh. Should have seen that one coming. It's sort of like all these things are connected... just like everyone says...

One more thing I have just pieced together. The people around you usually know what they are talking about, so listen to them.

I am not infallible. But I will be in this.

Accountability, Here I Come

I have been doing a lot of reading lately, mainly about other peoples' opinions, aspirations, goals, feats and development. Every time I read a new post, I feel inspired and thrilled that people I know are doing so much to improve themselves and their community. Then I think, I think its my turn.
First, I'll explain the title to this page. A couple of posts have been made about a certain dog named Sophie, and about her zeal for life, her love for everything, her innocence and the impact she made in this world. It was these posts that made me decide to finally take the initiative and do something. Not something to save the world, but something to change the path I'm on, to save myself. Remember, these were posts about a dog. Not world hunger, not war, not society, politics or death. The first post made me smile and made me think. The second post made me cry.
Being completely honest and accountable is harder than I thought. My head has been reeling over the last couple of months. Issues have been forced into my view that I had been ignorant about. I honestly was one of those people who were aware of problems like famine, war and social expectations, and figured I couldn't do anything about it other than live my life without being the cause. I was the person that Master Brinker was trying to reach. Thank God or Buddah or whoever you choose that he did.
I think I was more mature when I was sixteen and eighteen than I have been in the last year. At sixteen, if someone said that I couldn't do something, I did everything I could to prove them wrong. And I did. The color of my belt is proof. Lately, if someone tells me I can do more, I think to myself, yeah, your right. But what? Then the issue closes. How pitiful, how pathetic is that?
So, I'm doing something to smarten myself up. I'm taking the initiative, and I'm doing something my instructors have been telling me to do for months now. I'm making myself accountable, and in doing so I'm laying myself out as best I can in attempt to destroy all possibilities of backing out of this. How better to do this than to do it publicly, on the internet, and for my peers at SRKF to see?
I've made some dumb decisions as of late. As of today, they are corrected. I can do so much more in terms of training. As of today, I'm doing it. This page and my future posts will see to it that these things get done. Holy crap, I have never been so scared and so exhilarated in my life.

I guess this is one more way that Sophie the Bouvier has made an impact.