Babbling Mind and Body

So, getting back to tradition, a group of us did an oldschool demo last Saturday. The only prep we had was some minor communication over the net, a (disastrous) run through Friday night, and a couple more choppy runs Saturday before we headed out.

It ran smoothly for the most part. I have to admit one of the two biggest fumbles was mine, but thankfully the act following was on the ball and was able to jump on the stage when I decided it was best to get off. "Decided" is the wrong word. I have a strangely clear memory of my performance, and even more strange is the fact that there were either too many thoughts or no thoughts at all going through my head when I fumbled, recovered, improvised, fumbled, and finally left the stage.

Well, there were thoughts initially. During the first part, I was thinking, this 'ain't so bad, confidence is key, keep moving, no, not really bad at all. Then, I fumbled. I remember realizing all the internal babble was probably to blame. I can babble to myself during my forms only IF I am completely comfortable with them. Ie. if they are ingrained into my body and no brain is required. My kama form is NOT in this category. My fumble was not a pause, ohno-what-do-I-do moment. It was a hey, this isn't what I'm supposta do here moment. Happy to say that although my improv was choppy, sloppy and odd, I didn't stop moving or showed any of my internal thought process on my face (except when I turned to Master Brinker, who was just offstage left, and mouthed the word "Sorry" followed by a sheepish grin, all while the internal babble screamed KEEP MOVING!!!).

So, I recovered and found a spot to jump back into my original form and continue. I attempted to just go through the motions the way I had back at the studio, with my internal cue system running, (flip kamas, both slash, pull back, butt 'em good). However, much to my dismay, I quickly found myself aborting mission and walking off stage. Sad to say that instead of continuing the cue's, my head just shut down. It was like I blanked out, and then I found myself walking off, without my brain giving my body, and specifically my legs, consent. I'm still mad at them.

Well, maybe my body was the smarter of the two. Maybe it realized that it was for the better, instead of attempting a larger section of improv and probably not getting lucky the second time. I guess I'll never know what my body was thinking....