I Connected Two Dots

I haven’t been vocal about it, but I am struggling with my engagement badly. 

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I have been trying to find a root cause, and although on the surface I seem to have several legitimate, out of my control reasons (two are named Sydney and Carter, another is called lack of sleep) I knew intuitively that these were not the root cause, just additional factors.

Thing is, although I have more days now that I cannot attend classes, I don’t feel the struggle is in my physical presence. I can honestly say I attend every class that I can. I engage in every class I attend. I give my everything to each class I teach, for better or worse.

I’m struggling mentally and emotionally. Your first reaction is Covid. Well, yes. Like my kids, that is a factor but no, not the root cause. I feel that I have the foundation and mental fortitude to endure this pandemic. Not unscathed, but endure. 

Why the struggle then?

I have some situations in my private life that I know are affecting me mentally, and as a result I am withdrawing. Not the best action, but it is occurring none the less. But that is my private life and has nothing to do with my Kung Fu life.

Or does it? Or more accurately, does it affect it?

Yes. Don’t ask my why I didn’t see this before because now it seems so obvious. I am withdrawing from certain aspects in my life. Of course I’m going to withdraw from other aspects as well. It’s not like I can turn off and on my withdrawal, or more specifically turn off and on my mental and emotional funk. I’m seeing the issues I’m dealing with starting to manifest everywhere, and therefore I have to assume that I am the common factor and not that I’m just so unlucky as to be bombarded by the same issue on multiple fronts.

I’ve connected these dots, and now I can start to see a way out of it.

Calculus & Climate Change

Each student is on a path, and where and how that path is laid out is what determines how far they will go in their training.

The thing is, determining our trajectory is more difficult than many believe. You cannot just sit down and work it out like calculus. It is determined by not only where we are, but where we came from and where we are going. A good, hard look at ourselves today is only a snapshot, a single point on a graph that spans our entire career.

Crazy as this sounds, we want our trajectory to be like global warming. It will start out gentle, under the radar. But we want to hit a point where our skill and knowledge starts accumulating, building up and becoming its own catalyst. 

But, like climate change, a single snapshot will not give us the full picture. It seems to be panning out to an average September day today. Looking at that, there is no indication that a catastrophic change in climate is taking place. Each day will have its ups and downs, some cooler and some warmer. Some downright hot or blistering cold. However overall the changes are undeniable; temperatures are moving at an upward trajectory at an increasingly rapid pace.

This is what our training needs to look like. There will to be days that feel like you’re moving backwards. There will be days where you feel like Edison with 10,000 failed attempts. And there should be days when you feel like Edison during that one successful attempt and the world lights up around you.

No matter what, each student has a trajectory. However, if you are not consistently checking and measuring, revisiting and fortifying your training, you will not have a clear idea of what that trajectory is, nor how to influence it.

Julius

Today I will be saying goodbye to a good friend, Julius. He’s young but I know it is for the best and I’m sure he will thrive in his new home.

Julius is a mandrin tree seeding. 

It brings me joy to be able to give to others. I look at my Oma’s beautiful hoya plant and feel the urge to spread her into as many homes as I can as a way to honour my Oma’s memory. A baby from the Kwoon’s resident spider plant has found a homesite a student, in a pot from my Oma. Twofold, my Oma and my Kwoon in one little air purifying bundle. I could have squirrelled him away and given one of the two others I have in non sentimental pots, but it meant more to me to give that one away.

Today I am also reminded of my husbands father, who passed away when Nick was barely an adult. As I’m pulling up the subfloor in the kitchen I see his handiwork. Solid oak hardwood, saved from a demolished school gymnasium and given a second chance in this home. Unfortunately it is not salvageable as the water damage we are trying to rectify is significant.

The generosity I’ve been shown today from friends aware of our situation is overwhelming. If karma is a thing, it is a strange thing. A seedling is nothing in comparison to what we have been offered. What did I do that would warrant it?

But, maybe I’m thinking about this wrong. Maybe it is less about the receiving of a seeding. Maybe the positive karma received lies in the giving. I am happy to give Julius away. I have gained from that experience. 

Marettes vs. Bread

My husband was talking to me about a couple of his apprentices tonight. He’s an electrician, for reference, working at a new company for the first time in 20 years. One apprentice works hard, approaches Nick (my husband) when he doesn’t know what to do, ask questions but doesn’t question, and picks up a broom when he’s waiting for direction. The other is there just to pass the time. Nick is constantly frustrated when he comes home because this guy doesn’t want to learn, he wants to prove. He proclaimed today that he’s got enough hours that now he can challenge the test, get his journeyman ticket and therefore he’ll be owed a raise and a truck. The first guy, the one who will push a broom when he’s waiting instead of checking his phone, is also technically eligible for his journeyman but he doesn’t want to take the test. He told my husband he wants to spend a couple more years as a fourth year because he knows how much he doesn’t know. 

And there’s the difference. Just as there is a difference in the frame of mind between these two apprentices, there is a difference in the frame of mind between someone in the martial arts and a martial artist. Between a student that wants black and a student that is earning black. You can’t just do it, you have to do right by it. It’s the difference between a job and a career, but take it one step further; it’s the difference between a career and a lifestyle.

And it’s a sexy lifestyle. Who wouldn’t want to be able to say “yeah, I’m a martial artist”? 

It’s like baking bread. A pinch of salt, some sugar. But, there are key components that differentiate between boom and bust. 

Putting in the time is a part of it. Doing the reps is also a part. But expecting to be promoted because you’ve put in the time and did your reps, it’s like this guy who said pay me more because I’ve done my time and twisted my marettes. No dude, you have to earn it. You earn it by being a great electrician.

Uncle Ben said it best. “With great power comes great responsibility”.

Anyone who plans on grading for a black belt, current or future, you better ask yourself if you’re really ready. Not just in hours training. You will hold the future of Kung Fu in your hands. You will colour it for everyone who came before you. You will define it for every soul who comes after you. You have this incredible, fragile, vulnerable and trusting creature in your hands, that somehow has survived for two thousand years. Are you protecting it the way it deserves?

Humility. Honesty. Respect. This is the flour, water and leaven in the bread. 

I am humble enough to admit that no, I am not giving this beautiful creature the protection and respect it deserves. But you know damn well that I am trying. Every minute of every day, I try. I believe that is why I am where I am, and more importantly who I am.

I often fail. Ego may rear its ugly head from time to time as I offer a reason or excuse, but deep down I know I just need to do better and I also know that my instructors and mentors know this too. I cannot try to talk away my failures. What a slap in the face to my mentors, to have them give me their time and experience only for me to say “yeah, I know, but” like I know better?? 

As it’s been so eloquently put by others, I will acknowledge my failures, do my best to learn from them, and let them go. Don’t just move on, move forward. 

My Favourite Spot

 My gut reaction was my bed. Because sleep is like a friend I can never see enough of. We’re in the twitter-pated stage always, infatuated with each other on a constant basis. 

Second to this would be my side yard. I specify that because the front yard has gone to the dogs (literally). But my side yard has gone from junk yard (again, literally) full of engine and car pieces to a green gardeny bliss.

Post 2 minutes- thanks ladies for these challenges!! Makes one realize how easy it actually is to find something to write about.

My Bucket List

 I’ve never formally created a bucket list in the past, but I did always have want to’s and should do’s. Now, my would be bucket list had definitely evolved from things that would be exciting or interesting to things that influence or improve. Maturity? I don’t know. Being responsible for little humans definitely has something to do with it. Can I define it? I’m currently trying. Strange to say, just this morning, before I read Ms. Ferris’s post, I was thinking about this exact thing. How weird is that. Coincidence? I don’t know…

Little Reminders

I’ve written several drafts in the past month, none of which will see the light of day. They were not productive, very negative and had no purpose other than to air my grievances, sort out my thoughts and just stomp my feet and cry. They were not meant to be productive, they were meant to be therapy.

I am happy to say this one will become public, as public as my little voice in the void can be. Why does that make me happy? Because I think I’ve turned a corner. I’m feeling better and I feel like I’m being restored.

A large part of this change comes from the one on ones. I’m not nervous when I’m in front of students being asked questions. I got over that years ago. However I’ve been getting some hard core questions that are challenging me as an instructor and as a martial artist. I’m learning that my knowledge is deeper than I thought and I am developing the vocabulary that has always eluded me in the past. Those things make me feel good about myself and motivate me to do better than the day before.

The slump I was in, and if I’m honest am still in, has nothing to do with Kung Fu or my training. However, once again, Kung Fu has been a large part of the answer. When I doubt myself or my self worth, Kung Fu reminds me that I am and should be confident. Why? Because I’ve earned it. Time and time again Sifu Brinker’s words prove correct; Kung Fu is an investment that gives back a thousand fold what you put in. 

In this moment, instead of feeling helpless I’m feeling gratitude. 

What Will the History Books Say?

 Anytime I open an iPad or phone I’m finding it increasingly difficult not to feel depressed or outright anger. I am not a keyboard warrior, nor do I feel the need to argue with individuals with beliefs different from my own. However, lately I’ve been thinking about the effects my silence has. Added to that, what would be the effects be if I broke the silence?

It seems to me that the immediate availability of information has had effects no one saw coming; the belief that people can obtain knowledge without the need for education. And to some extent this is true; I can gain the knowledge that the sky is blue without having to be educated on the physics behind the phenomenon. 

Problem being, this access to instant information does not require any sort of understanding. It is perpetuating beliefs that are inaccurate. I can come across and article or YouTube video where someone, anyone, could give evidence to the argument that the sky is not blue. They can claim to be anyone they so choose. It can sound convincing, especially with my limited knowledge in the area. And I can decide to believe it. And I may, depending on what I perceive and what I want to believe. If it runs along the same vein as my already established ideas, I probably will.

Deeper still, many of these ideas have some amount of basis in fact. It is true, there are times when the sky can appear to be pink or purple or orange or black. Does that therefore prove that it is not blue? Of course not. But with my limited education it would seem as irrefutable proof. 

It seems to me that the current issues we face are being clouded by layers upon layers of personal opinions, stacked on inaccuracies and fear. 

I stay silent when I see posts or videos by loved ones or friends that, to me, are examples of misguided ideas. I don’t want to stir the pot. But, is this wise or is this allowing for the perpetuation of these ideas? People surround themselves with like minded individuals, so if no one in my circle ever challenges my beliefs, how do I ever evolve? 

On the other hand, if I speak up it very well might have the opposite effect I hope for. They could dig their heels in deeper, label me as a snowflake or sheep, write me off and any future chance I may have to have this conversation with them.

So what is the answer? I would say education, but I’m beginning to question if that is enough. 

Things are Getting Serious... PADDLE! PADDLE! PADDLE!

When Sifu Brinker let the cat out of the bag, I had a few thoughts running through my head. Does this mean I hit my physical peak? How will everyone react? Is this because of the vegetable class I ran?

Since last Saturday I’ve been trying to pay attention to what I say and how I say it, what I do and how I react. Am I any different? Would I recognize if I was?

There is one thought that I’ve been thinking repeatedly- If I wasn’t in it for life before, I sure am now. 

I don’t seem to be any different. I didn’t magically understand the answer to life, the universe and everything. Whichever kicks sucked before still suck now. My kids don’t listen any better to me. My ability to cook rice has not improved. 

But I feel different. The same different as when I first received my black belt.

Although the cat was let out of the bag early, this was a surprise. And I am thankful for that. I firmly believe that if I had been training the intention of challenging for my 5th that I would have taken another nine years. My intention would have been to be promoted, which would have tainted my training and my approach, always coloured by that ultimate goal instead of just plugging along trying to better myself. In this case, having my head in the sand was a benefit. 

Thank you to everyone who helped or attended the banquet last Saturday. I wasn’t joking when I had said it would either be epic or an epic fail, and thankfully it was epic. Period. Thank you Sifu Brinker for the relentless hours you put into it. And the relentless time and effort you’ve put into me and every other student of yours.

*no leeks were harmed in the making of this blog*

Oma

If someone were to ask me the definition of tough, I would have said my Oma.

She lived through and escaped from Nazi Germany. She emigrated to Canada, not knowing a lick of English. She built a beautiful life with her family first in Edmonton, then in Vernon.

She survived COVID. I’m not talking she survived through lockdowns, I mean she contracted, grew sick and then overcame COVID. At the ripe age of 98. 

I was beginning to believe her heart didn’t have the ability to stop beating. Maybe that’s where she got her stubbornness from. Her heart.

My Oma passed away Friday. She had been diagnosed with a blood clot in her leg. She fell asleep and never woke up.

Now that she is gone, I am struck with the sheer amount of knowledge that is gone with her. I’ve heard small pieces about her life in Germany. Small details that put me in awe of what she endured and overcame. 

I had planned on visiting my Oma Friday morning with my mom. They were allowing visitors because of her prognosis- there was not much they could do for the blood clot given her age and condition. I had planned on seeing her again, finally, for the first time since before the lockdowns, since before COVID was a term I had heard.

I had decided to postpone the visit. I did not want to travel in the icy cold with my kids. 

Turns out it was a decently warm day. 

I missed my opportunity because I took for granted that I would have another one. I missed my opportunity to learn about my families past because I always thought next time would be a better time to ask.

Then I couldn’t. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. The past was lost.

Then I didn’t. I thought she would still be around when the weather cleared. Now she’s gone.

Seize every opportunity. Take nothing for granted. 

Snowmen

This past Friday was a day. I left the descriptor out on purpose, because I don’t know what would fit. 

I had a lot go wrong, big and small. Small things like the post office lost my package. Big things like I lost my Oma.

When I reflected back on my day before I went to sleep, I was shocked at how much had actually gone wrong. It felt like every hour held a new problem or new piece of bad news. I wasn’t shocked at the quantity, I was shocked that the quantity didn’t feel overwhelming.

Don’t get me wrong. The news that my Oma had passed was a very, very tough hit. For so many reasons, one of which was that I had at the last minute decided to postpone my visit with her, which would have happened that morning. I now have to live with my regret.

What I mean is that I was shocked that my reaction was so... steady? I managed to take it all in stride and in proportion to the event. No snowballing. I did not consciously prevent the snowballing. Heck, I know and recognize a few other areas in my life where snowballing is currently happening.

So why didn’t I have a sumo sized snowman in my house when the day was over? I’m not totally sure, but I’m contributing it to two things.

First, COVID. If nothing else, this past year has taught me the value of those around me and the insignificance of the things around me. I am fortunate. I have gratitude.

Second, every lesson I’ve received about being in the moment. Every lesson I’ve received about appreciating what I have and who I have. All those lessons, the sum of my training. 

Have gratitude and you see your problems for what they are; moments in time, lessons, and if you can keep perspective, opportunity for growth. 

WHAT is your favourite colour? Blue! No, wait...

I’m guilty. When it comes to asking questions, it is always best to explore for yourself first, try to answer your own question using the knowledge you already have. If you do, the lesson will be yours on a much deeper level. However, I know that I’m guilty myself of skipping this step and just blurting out a question when it occurs to me. Then, when I receive an answer I have a “d’oh” moment. I knew that. Or at least I had the pieces that would have lead me to that.

It makes me feel like I threw away my chance at a lightbulb.

I’m working on it. I have a tendency of speaking before thinking, or thinking down the wrong road and asking the wrong question. I recognize when this occurs, which unfortunately is 95% of the questions I ask. 

Bring forward the knowledge I already have. This is number one. I know there are concepts that are universal, no matter what I am doing. Don’t sacrifice your center. Equal and opposite. Harmony across the body, top to bottom, left to right, corner to corner. Things of that nature.

I know I need to define my intent, and then support that intent. What does my left hand do? It supports the mission statement of my right hand. What does that look like? I dunno, refer to statement one- harmonies left to right. Push and pull. 

What I feel trumps what I think. So quit over analyzing and just do. Did that feel right? No. Tweak, did that feel right? Nope, worse. Tweak. Hey, that felt good! What did I do? 

Power trumps strength. When I feel fatigue in my shoulders or neck I know I’ve reverted to Caveman Khona. Caveman Khona gets tired fast. And grumpy. I don’t like Caveman Khona. I’d rather learn to use the earth than do pushups until my muscles squeak against each other. Besides, all that muscle would make it hard to fit in my kids’ couch fort.

It all sounds simple enough, but it’s so easy to brush off my own ability and rely on someone else to give me a quick and easy answer. But as we all know, the easy way isn’t usually the best way.

I Want Doughnut and Christmas Dinosaur Jammies Too...

I have the upmost respect for all you parents out there. How you managed to raise your kids without everyone involved losing their minds or a limb, I’m amazed. 

I know we all have our own struggles and obstacles in our lives. We’re all on different paths and at different points. But I keep learning and relearning one thing- there is more to the phrase “out of the kwoon and into the world” than any of us give it credit for. Listening to the questions and the comments on Wuxin this past week got me digging deeper and ultimately lead me to an epiphany of sorts.

Wuxin when dealing with my kids. I need to train more to help fix my parenting problems.

It is impossible to be fully objective and to take away emotion when dealing with my kids. We’re mirrors of each other; Sydney gets mad, I get mad. I get frustrated, Carter is frustrated. Someone gets hurt, my heart hurts for them.

What I need is the ability to recognize these emotions for what they are and empathize with them, not react to my own. Why is Carter so mad? Because he wants something that I won’t give him and he’s frustrated that he’s powerless. He’s a toddler who has not yet learned to temper his emotions with reason. He’s a big ball of reaction. 

As I said, we’re mirrors. 

The more I train the more in tune with my body, my ability and my energy I become. I recognize more faster. I gain control of myself, I see more clearly, I’m more cognizant.

The more I train the calmer and more confident I become. 

The better I empathize.

Tantrums are inevitable, but I have the ability to stop throwing gas on the fire. Easier said than done? Heck yes. But, as with Kung Fu, practice makes progress. And that’s all we’re striving for, isn’t it?

Oh, and well rounded, capable, confident, self-loving and self sustaining children. 

Seriously, how do you keep your sanity?