Never Too Old for Playtime!

First, quick update on my tummy issues. Doctors finally figured out that I had become hypersensitive to fats and MSG, causing my gallbladder and everything else to freak out any time I ate. So after a couple weeks of a bland, mostly liquid diet my system was able to reset and I'm back to normal.

More recent update, I somehow managed to break a bone in the back of my hand racing a friend in an inflatable obstacle course. I was winning to. Managed to finish the course, but lost unfortunately. So the result of that is I now have a half cast on one arm and an iv in the other and get to have surgery tomorrow to place two titanium screws in my hand. My first broken bone and a pick a great one to bust. So don't freak out if you see me at classes tonight with extra hardware. The way I see it is this just just my first step towards my lifelong goal of a bionic body with a titanium spine. One small piece at a time. Incremental progress, right?

So, no pushups for me. Unless I learn to do them one armed with a bad shoulder. I also think I'm past my quota for hospital trips this year. But those are some beautiful looking bones, are they not? Ignoring the broken one...

If Only...

So did anyone else watch Kung Fu Panda III and at the end hope that DreamWorks somehow had the quick, easy answer to mastering chi, maybe some magic philosophy that connected all the dots and pow! you're a chi goddess? Yeah, that was me.

Funny, things don't work that way. But then the rational side of me kicks in and thinks, well if it were that easy everyone could do it and it wouldn't be worth the pursuit. But that doesn't stop the dreamy side of me from wishing anyways.

I feel like have some of the necessary understanding, many of the necessary tools. What is lacking is the ability. Years of training behind me with many more years ahead of me before I can make a flower bloom. It's intimidating. You can't see any immediate results so you can't help but wonder if you're making any progress. I wouldn't want to find out after years of trudging down the path that I'm on the wrong path. There are few markers to tell you if you're heading the right way. Only a few moments that just seem right or moments when yeah, I can feel it, but am I feeling my chi or am I just having circulation problems in my hands?

Then, you meet people who figure they have it all mastered after a couple days at some seminar and poof! they have the ability to heal me. Look, there's a certificate on the wall so it must be true. I shake my head and think to myself, after 20 years I'm finally at a point where I stand a chance of learning this stuff and she's telling me that after 20 hours she's a master. I must be missing the world's largest piece of the puzzle here. Or maybe they just understood the lesson better than me at the end of Kung Fu Panda.

By the way, the yin yang move at the end doesn't work either. No glowing paw pads here. Looks cool though.

Jiggs

Just before my high school graduation my bf at the time wanted to get me a grad gift. I remember very distinctly telling him not a puppy. My parents and I did not need another dog (we had 7) and I knew that his parents had a new litter of Pomeranian puppies looking for homes. So I had an idea of what his plan was and told him no puppies.

A few weeks later, I had a new puppy. A tiny ball of fluff. He could fit in my dad's shirt pocket. My mom named him Jigger. The name fit, as he was a tiny, dancing ball of fluff.

Alas, I moved away a couple months later and could not bring him along. From day one he wasn't my dog, however. He claimed my dad, and my dad fell for him. Forever more he was my fathers dog.

It's true what they say, that dogs and owners reflect each other. Jiggs would never leave my fathers side, and bark like crazy if dad left without him. He rode in the milk crate on the quad with him and at meal times would be found at my dads feet, waiting for his share. He was loyal as only a dog can be.

Jiggs is gone now. He passed while I was away, and even though he was never truly my dog he leaves a hole where a tiny fluffy dog used to be. It's a cruel joke, how you can become so attached to a dog and their lifespan will never match your own. I guess that's part of the reason why they mean so much to you.

I'm Just Ranting

My apologies, I find it hard to fill people in on some topics without it sounding like I'm complaining. Thats not my intention.

So, yes, I'm having some sort of health meltdown at the moment. After three days in and out of the hospital I have no concrete answers, just some maybe this, maybe that? from the doctors. After a night of agony I was sent home with pain meds and a promise of an ultrasound to confirm their suspicions (gallstones, they believe). The medication is helping and I feel like a human again today. A very cautious human, as too much bounce in my step or the wrong foods set me off.

So where does this leave me now? I have some very mixed emotions. Unlike physical injury where I know what is wrong, why it's wrong, what not to do and where I'm headed, today I'm feeling skeptical, worried and guilty. Yeah, I know, guilt is useless. Doesn't mean it's not present. I can't do what I wanted to get done, what I promised I would do, what I feel I need to do. Yeah, I have lots of other things I can be working on, projects and things on the other side of the coin. But that is not where I feel I'm lacking. I want to fix what I'm lacking and it seems that as soon as I find the motivation to do so my body lets me down and in turn I let those around me down.

I'm sure that I'll come around, shake it off and get back on track. It's not the first wall I've crashed into, not the last. I know there are others in worse situations, with fewer opportunities. Gallstones are not a big issue. The associated pain will pass. But the feeling of being useless... sucks.

Appreciation

The last night we were camping I decided to wander down to the lake we were by and see what was interesting Chuck so much. I saw a beaver swimming by, but he was more interested in the little creatures near the shore. Frogs. There were several frogs floating nearby and the oddest thing happened. They started to sing. Not the ribbit or croak you'd expect. They chirped, a sound I had heard many times and always believed to be birds. I rustled Nick away from the campfire and his buddies and he too thought it one of the most unusual things. It took me to the last night we were there to notice.

It makes me wonder, how many things in this life go by unnoticed? How many beautiful moments are not lived simply because we are too busy to see?

We managed many great moments while buried in the bush. A moose liked to frequent the opposite shore and bob for lake weeds. A couple bear cubs, indicating it was time for us to move on. Several deer crossing our path and an osprey pair tending to their nest.

I'm home now, missing the wilderness, however I still have the feeling of awe. My irises, daisies, flax, asters, poppies and mountain lilies all in bloom, not to mention the dandelions in the foot deep lawn. My cat has been following me around yowling, singing his happiness. I still get to listen to the frogs and birds chirp.

Habits

This is what I get when I put my toque on and get within ten feet of where we keep the dog leashes. Guess I'm a creature of habit, and my dogs know it.

Not all my habits are so harmless. For instance, tightening my shoulders. I felt it last night, and the feedback I got from Sifu Beckett confirmed that it makes a noticeable difference. This, at least, is something I'm aware of and working on.

Well, I'm working on creating other habits, while working to break some old ones. The next couple weeks will certainly throw some kinks in, but if I stay mindful the next couple weeks can also work to reinforce what I've been working towards.

Planting Seeds

I have a friend who used to be in a different martial art as a teen. She was looking for something to put her son into and started talking to me about kung fu. She mentioned that she wanted something that would teach him discipline and give him confidence- I told her that is what we were about. She went on to tell me that she did not like her old school very much, that they were not very invested in your success unless you signed a contract and you were required to compete in tournaments. I recently found out that her son is now attending this same school, strictly because their price tag was lower.

So figure that one out. She knows what her she wants for her son but is unwilling to invest. As with anything, you get what you put in. Financially or otherwise.

What benefit is there from short term gain if you receive nothing that you were looking for? Seems to me like a wasted effort. In the short term, it is easier to write a cheque than to put yourself out there and act upon your beliefs. But what are you going to receive? Nothing will change, no one will hear what you have to say. A year from now you will wonder why the world is in the state it is as you once again write that cheque.

Sifu Brinker has mentioned this dozens of times now. Yet it has always been something I've struggled with although logically I understand the consequences of my inaction. This year I'm trying something different- I'm putting myself out there and having those conversations, even with those people who are of a vastly different opinion than me. This weekend was a start- a long debate with the neighbours over everything from Earls to Trudeau to the tar sands to Syria. It was't the most productive conversation, but maybe, just maybe I planted a seed. And thats what we're aiming for, isn't it?

Off topic- that photo is of scarlet flax. I just planted those seeds too. Hurrah.