Gizmo

At first impression Gizmo may have come across as a mop head but once you stepped closer you'd realize that there was a rowdy dog in the middle of the floor, with a personality all his own and an attitude to match.

My parents said goodbye to Gizmo this past Wednesday. This was the dog that never feared the cat, who was ring bearer at our wedding and who, in the end, wouldn't let blindness and cushings disease keep him away from the food bowl or my mothers side.

It's always the stars that shine the brightest that fade the fastest. Rest well Shmo. May the carrots be plentiful in your garden.

Horizons

I feel I've learned this year through teaching and my own practice that what we do has to be a state of mind, not just physical skill. You have to flip a switch if you want to get everything you can out of this and that switch affects everything you do. If, for instance, you don't put your full potential into your form you'll miss so much it has to offer. If you don't put any effort into your sound focus how can you expect your body to not follow suit and still give its potential? Each time you go half way it means you left half on the table and said to yourself, thats good enough. You robbed yourself of a chance to progress. If you perpetually flip that switch then it becomes mindless, effortless effort as it's been defined, and putting your full energy into everything becomes easy and normal. And then your potential grows.

I think this is what the IHC has taught me. Reaching your potential doesn't have to be a painful, mind numbing experience. Of course it takes hard work, but if you dedicate yourself to the pursuit then the work becomes easy, and with a little mindful maintenance your frame of mind supports the physical aspects. I'm still working on this.

I don't see that I'll ever reach my potential, not as long as I keep trying to advance. It's like the horizon, it always moves further ahead the closer I get. I need to accept this but I still need to try.

Cedar & Cher

Looking back on my blog dates I realized how much the ball is dropped. I knew I was behind but it had gotten away from me worse than I thought.

I can't say I have much for a reason but I have plenty of excuses. We've been spending every spare moment drywalling, painting, installing cedar ceilings, sealing the wood, installing trim, and today getting the floor installed in the hall and bedroom. So I could say my focus has shifted. I don't want to say my priorities have changed, rather they have been added to. But, if I'm honest, it has just been lack of discipline. I've had the time and ability just without the followthrough. The aforementioned are excuses, not reasons.

I have been journaling, but privately for a change. I've been carrying on what my mother started decades ago and I'm writing in the same journal she wrote for me when I was a baby, but obviously I'm writing to my own unborn pups. It's a different experience, and I'm excited and scared spitless at the same time.

I've been regretting not establishing a stronger schedule or regime when I had the chance. I feel that it would have been such a benefit to me now to have the practice and the skills that would have been better developed. I could have made it serve be better but didn't. Such is the theme regarding many of my requirements- most still works in progress, few fully accomplished. If only I had superpowers like Sifu S. Csillag I'd turn back time.

Changing Situations

I've been stuck as to what to write about. I didn't want to constantly be writing about my growing belly, the poppyseeds, lemons, turnips or whatever my app relates them to. But then I though you know what? This is was is going on in my life right now and it has to be part of the process.

I've never had to think about and change the way I'm training or teaching quite like I am at the moment. Injuries create opportunity and induce changes for sure, but they also give you feedback so I was never too concerned about pushing too hard in a day since tomorrow I can rein it in if needed. Worst case, I set myself back but continue on. Now, every decision I make I have to think hard as to if it's the right decision because I am paranoid of making the wrong one. I've never been so conservative in my health as I am now, so concerned about a little cough or a little exertion. I warned everyone in my life that I would be a paranoid pregnant lady, but I hadn't expected the difficulty when making decisions. I'm torn as to what I should do. My priorities are shifting and it makes me feel guilty. Maybe guilt is the wrong word- I'm very aware of the shift, don't like how it's affecting others but it's my new reality nonetheless.

It's starting to hit home for me. When I heard their heartbeats, I can't tell you what went through my mind. I was hearing a heartbeat from inside my body that wasn't mine. It wasn't me, and it's not me I'm feeling whenever I get that rippling sensation. My abdomen has turned into someone else's swimming pool. The feeling of responsibility is overwhelming.

Opportunity

So I've locked down my requirements for next year and I can say they look different than previous years, due to the coming changes in our lives. Nothing makes you think of your future like an imminent injection of family.

I've been struggling to reduce the intensity I do some things. I'm always trying to get intensity out of my students, and last Thursday I found myself struggling to pull back when working with Sifu Langner on a couple simple counters. Forms are a little different, I can soften them just by changing my intention but when it comes to application my intention seems to be a bit more stubborn. It's something I'll take the opportunity to work on though, as there is opportunity in all changes.

Sifu Brinker mentioned this as a chance to work on flow. I find this extremely timely as per the feedback I received a few weeks ago regarding my shoulders and the impact they have on how I move. I have to tackle this on a couple different planes- first, rehabilitate my shoulders as I should have done a long time ago. I didn't think much of it; they ache but I didn't think they were impeding my physical abilities anymore. I was mistaken. Then I'll need to retrain my body to quit compensating for them. Not to mention I'll have to retrain my body after carrying around two growing puppies (as they've been referred to, accurately I think) for nine months. During this I'll have to change my thinking and change my intentions, where I'm trying to take my training, or rather how I'm approaching my training.

I'm getting excited about this, new opportunities and new ways of looking at things. We'll have to wait and see what happens.

Change is Coming

I hope everyone had as much fun at the Festival of Trees as I did. I can relate to Sifu Csillag's post- I usually don't make eye contact with an audience but this demo felt so intimate and the kids were so close I found myself smiling at them while I performed. It was rewarding, this demo, in a way that others have not been.

Unfortunately I'll have to significantly lessen my role in the new years demo and whatever others are in the foreseeable future. I don't know how much I will be able to or should be doing at that point in time and want you all to know that I'm not slacking on the team, I promise. I'm pregnant. I considered telling everyone at the next meeting but it's nice to hide behind a screen so no one sees me blush. I am on the team next year, but in planning my goals there has been a significant shift, understandably I'm sure. I'll be doing my best to stay engaged and I'll minimize my absence when it comes.

Oh, I should mention one last bombshell. We're expecting twins.

Goals

Reviewing my personal goals, I have to say that although I've made progress on them all I will not meet them. However, I'm happy to say this year was a year when I finally hit some of my old goals from years past, bigger projects and undertakings. So, I guess I'm a few years behind but on the way?

There was one goal this year that I call a success, although the numbers do not support that conclusion. I wanted to regain control over an out of control situation and originally thought meditation would be the answer and therefore I set a requirement. The number of minutes I've accumulated are minimal, however through other means I've regained the control I sought. This I'd see as a victory. And I believe that now more so than before meditation would be beneficial, a way to maintain what I have gained. As such, I'm not dropping the requirement but renewing my dedication to it.

It saddens me that I did not dedicate myself more to my personal goals. They were goals that meant something to me but seemed insignificant when compared to everything else. Yes, I still have time, but I know I won't meet them in totality. I just want to be further ahead at the end of the year than I am right now.