Lightbulbs are Great

So I promised a post and here it is. Like many of you, I keep a seperate, private journal. This is part of one entry I wrote very recently after simply standing on my driveway and, for the first time since I've lived there, really saw everything that surrounded me. By we I mean Nick and I.

"I was standing outside today and I finally saw what we have, what we have done and what we have accomplished in this short time. At the same time, I finally saw what I could have done and what I have not done. I am capable of so much more. I have the ability to change everything I see, all I need is the will to go through with it. I need to use all of my ability to do it, but I know in the end I will be able to take pride in what I have done. From small things like our yard, to make it something to take pride in. The upcomming UBBT, something I know will be wracked with mental and physical pain, but nevertheless something I am capable of and something that in the end has the potential to change the very person I am into the person I want to be. I think to myself now, why whould I not go through with it? To the very end, to my full potential? It would be foolish to ever let the thought cross my mind that anything is too hard or too insignificant."

I don't know what has held me back up to this point. I thought to myself standing outside, after finally realizing what I could be capable of, that now the difference is that I don't know how I can ever let it hold me back again. What a waste of a life that would be, and I am unwilling to let my life be wasted.

Its utterly amazing how someone can have a huge moment like that. I feel like that was the single most important lightbulb (lamp, I mean) that has ever clicked for me. Not to mention the brightest.

When I Say We, I'm Including You

Okay, just so everyone knows I have a plan to post again tomorrow (because I forgot my book today), so check back.

This is just my attempt to write a note about everything that has been reeling in my head the last couple of weeks. I'm feeling stressed and antsy and the anticipation is hitting a peak. I'm feeling renewed energy and vigor in accordance with this anticipation. I haven't been so excited for a long time. The prospect of doing something amazing, with a group that won't let me fail, wow. Lets just say I'm excited. And grateful. Lets just say I'm grateful.

These things are not because of just one upcomming event. These things are a result of the prospect of what we as a group are doing in the world, and at my latest realization of not only what we are capable of seperately, but what we are capable of together.

Imagine what we are all capable of together. Anything.

I apologize for the the alloverness of this post (yeah I know thats not a word) and for the lack of explanation for this post. As I said, I'm just attempting to solidify things in my head.

Even Better If You Have No Teeth!

So something was reiterated for me last night at the San Shou class. Its nothing new, but it is something worth noting- smiles are more intimidating than grimaces.

Watching each of the matches, most people can be classified in some aspect of their fighting style and mentality. We have all heard of the bulldog, the tank and the little dog (think a little yappy thing bounding around you). But watching the facial expressions of the fighters gives you another idea of how others fight. Not saying its a good idea to watch the face of your opponent. Watching from the sidelines is just as beneficial as being in the ring.

A certain blackbelt last night was noted for having a calm, collected and fierce exterior while he was squared up against a cue belt. He was sure of every move and every counter he completed, and you felt the intimidation roll of of him just by observing his posture and his expression. Yeah, that can be pretty intimidating when you are in front of him.

However, watching his opponent was even more intimidating. Yes, the blackbelt had more skill, scored more frequently and with more aggressive blows, but the cue belt just wouldn't have his smile wiped off his face. This man was getting his butt kicked, but he was enjoying it so much, it made me wonder to myself "if I were in the ring with him, would the man ever quit, ever succumb, or ever even notice the damage inflicted by me?". Scary thought, that even if you have the skill and the power, it may not be enough.

This smile is different from the average in the ring smile. I can't get the smile off my face when I'm in a good sparring match. I'm thrilled with what I'm learning, with the intense and intimate interaction with the other blackbelts and students. There isn't a way not to learn while you are in that zone, while you are interacting with others in that manner. But this is a "I'm happy to be learning" smile, not a "I'm ecstatic to be here, and nothing you do will change that" smile. Okay, sometimes it is. But still, is that not more intimidating?

The grimace is something that can be used to your benefit. Its something you learn to expect, and you know its purpose is specifically to intimidate and shake the confidence. Knowing this lessens its impact, at least for me. The smile though, now that is scary. It tells me that no matter what I do to this guy, he's going to enjoy it and come back for more. Its like they don't know any better. The shake and then smile move is even worse. The guards are down, so you give the guy a quick schmuck to the forehead to let him know. Or, you deliver a blow with enough force to stun, but not to damage. The guy grunts, shakes it off, and flashes you his pearly whites. Yikes.

Everyone has a unique way to deal with a sparring match. Most are fairly effective too. However, those methods that are not learned but are natural seem to be the most effective (with exceptions). When you expect something, it loses its potency. When its unexpected, or seems out of place, that can throw you for a loop.

Thank You, Travis

I honestly didn't know Travis very well, but that doesn't mean he didn't leave a powerful impression on me. I saw him at San Shou and at lion dance practices, and he never failed to impress me by being one if the best and most driven cue belts I've ever come across. I found that I was always drawn to him, and I watched him more intently than I did anyone else in the classes. It was his passion that most inspired me, passion that even someone who only passed him in the training hall could identify. I was in awe. He was always more than happy to hop around in the tail of a lion, no matter how much sweat it entailed.

I'm thankful to you Travis, for being such a great friend to everyone around you. I know that people close to me are grieving at the moment, but I'm so grateful that you did leave such a powerful legacy for us all to draw strength from. There is no one who passed you who didn't feel the enthusiasm radiate off of you. I can see what a remarkable man you were in the words and the actions of those around me now. Even though it would be years down the road, I was already looking forward to seeing you in blackbelt class. It was a guarantee that you would eventually become one, and when you did you would outdo us all.

We all miss you. Goodbye, Travis.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

So last night was my first night back in Onoway since the summer holidays began. I have to say that even though every September is the same, it still always hits me off guard.

I love my class. I love teaching the kids and adults alike, and every September reinforces this. I never realize that I was missing my classes over the summer until I got them back. But the first class in September is always different. I don't just love everything, I realize I'm addicted to it. Its the most awesomely awesome awesomeness that was ever awesome. We didn't do anything fancy or showy. All I ever focus on the first class back is running through the basics and evaluating who practiced, who needs practice and where I need to fill in the gaps. Its the best opportunity to really see how each student is growing, and believe me they do grow, even over the short holiday. I always get a few newbies, which throws a nice spice in with the mix of all the well known faces. You never know what new talents come walking through the door.

It feels like I'm cheating them all a bit. My students always provide me with so much, it seems like there is no way that I could be giving enough in return. They provide me with insights that I have never considered, make me critically think about every action and the whys behind them, they reinforce my own training immensely, and now they are another group of people who will hold me accountable and provide me with good reason to follow through on my goals. The harder I work on my goals, the better teacher I can be for them.

Thanks guys. You all have no idea how much you provide me with every Monday and Wednesday and every day inbetween.

Nightmare on Elms Street All Over Again

So I'm sitting here, in my car by a hotel in Vegreville, because this is the only place in town with internet access. I want to write something, but I have no idea what is going to come out. So bear (bare?) with me.

I had a nightmare two nights ago. It was the result of a book I was reading (a good book too) where the heroine is being stalked by a bunch of bad guys. Nothing big, nothing new. But when I went to bed, its all I could think of. When sleep finally took over (around 130) I had a dream where my doorbell was ringing, and even though I knew it was bad, and I took precautions, a big burly bad guy with a butcher knife managed to pin me behind the door. Problem was, he was handicapped, and although he was only stabbing at the wall beside me, I was so scared because I couldn't understand his intentions or what he would do if I moved. I woke up wimpering.

So we all have has those daydreams about bad guys breaking in, and we save the day with our ability to stay cool and collected. I very frequently think about defeating the bad guys. So why was this dream so much different? I felt defeated in this dream, completely helpless. I didn't know what to do. Why?

The possibilities I've thought of are these:
- I was unable to read or judge my opponent in any way

- I panicked

- Due to being handicapped, the guy was as defenseless as me, minus the knife

- It was in the middle of the night, when everybody has illogical fears

I think I'm over analyzing this. However, I can't help but acknowledge the doubt that has wormed its way into my head. If I was attacked, say, in a dark alley, would I react like that, freeze up and wimper? Do I have the strength to even take down a guy if needed? Ack. This feeling is really crappy. I don't like it.

My training is my comfort. My blanket (blankie to me) when I was little. No matter where I go or what I do, it will always be there because I will never let it go. So the way I resolve this dilemma is just that. To acknowledge my dream as being only a dream, and acknowledging my training as always being there, as reliable and as strong as a I make it.

Never feel bad if you think nightmares are scary. I'm twenty four, and I seriously got up and locked all the doors after that one. Geez.

1002

So last Saturday a group of us were idly chatting, and someone decided it would be interesting to challenge ourselves. Due to a board breaking mishap (ahem, you know who you are) several of us had 500 push-ups assigned to us. So, evolved from this, our challenge was to attempt 1000 push-ups in one day.

With a challenge like this and a group of 5 blackbelts, no one backed down. Our days were set, and we agreed to report our success, or lack thereof, the following Friday.

Before I make my report, I want to issue a challenge; attempt 1ooo push-ups in one day. Whether or not you succeed, you will learn some things about yourself. For example:
-Your will is sometimes stronger than your body
-Your body is stronger than you think

So how did I do? Here's the blow-by-blow.
0640 hrs- Alarm goes off
0700 hrs- I get out of bed
0720 hrs- I leave the house with 80 push-ups complete
0900 hrs- I get to Vegreville, do 20 more in the parking lot
1230 hrs- I leave Vegreville, 310 push-ups complete
1400 hrs- I get home. Mini challenge myself to reach 500 before 1500 hrs
1500hrs- I'm at 500. My muscles are seizing, my joints creaking
1900 hrs- I leave for Stony Plain. 630 complete. I'm beat mentally. I think its physically impossible for me to reach 1000
2220 hrs- Get home. Still 630 complete. I'd be happy if I reach 750
2240 hrs- I reach 750. I lay down to sleep, happy. I start thinking about what I just accomplished in the last 20 min
2242 hrs- I get out of bed
2318 hrs- I complete 1002 push-ups

There was a point in the day where I decided enough was enough, I can't do it (yet).

Then, there was a point in the night when I realized what I had accomplished and what I was still capable of (right around 2241 hrs). I decided I wasn't giving up. I was able to complete 1002 push-ups in one day.