Reality vs. The Ideal Life

A notable effect, or maybe the cause, of my recent lifestyle changes is reading. I’m reading more than I have in the past few years. I’m making the time where before I felt like taking the time was a waste. The difference definitely what and why I’m reading; not for amusement but for education. The types of books I’m delving into are not fiction. They are guides, experiences and the scary truth.

The latest is causing chaos in my head. Some of you may have heard of it but “Slow Death by Rubber Duck” is sitting beside me on my nightstand, looming and foreboding. I always waved off the idea of chemicals in our lives, reasoning that there are organizations and governmental bodies to protect us. That, and it was just me. I didn’t put much thought into it.

Strangely enough, just a few days before delving into this book I was wondering what exactly is autism? Wonder what causes it? I know there are no definite answers, but even the uneducated me could logic my way to a general answer. Environmental factors are a major difference between “then” and now. If you are born with autism or ADHD or allergies or asthma then something beyond parenting is to blame. Something before birth.

I’m feeling guilt for getting on this wagon so late in the game. How many chemicals that I waved off in my life got passed into my unborn kids? Will they affect them? Have they already? Carter already shows signs of seasonal allergies (which I have); did I unknowingly do that to him? Maybe they are behind in speech because of something I allowed them to be exposed to, either through me as they grew in my belly, or maybe that I fed them, gave them, allowed them to chew on? What is hindering their development? Could I have prevented it?

I know the saying, the best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. My fear is that the damage is done and had I planted that tree earlier, it could have been avoided.

The Side Effects

Mindfulness goes hand-in-hand with mastery. What you put in your body, how you spend your time. My newest quest has had an not surprising yet unexpected effect- mindfulness. I've become acutely aware of not just what I'm putting into my body but what comes into my home. It's like the vegetarian challenge, only for my house.

Along with mindfulness is awareness. I was blissfully ignorant. And it's devastating when you see exactly how wasteful our culture is. Mindlessly wasteful. It's not like we are all aware and choosing the path anyways. We don't even realize it. We are so accustomed to buying, unwrapping, throwing away it's insane. It’s been habitualized. I'm not just referring to the plastic free produce movement. I'm talking about the half sandwich left on your plate. The "oh, it broke, I'll buy a new one" moments. The excessive number or shirts we all own but don't wear, the 6 spatulas we each have but only use the favourite one, the 12 different Phillip screwdrivers, the latest fashion we must keep with, the newest device we feel we need. Buying, buying, buying things.

Another effect has been the emotional impact. I never thought I’d become so emotionally invested, becoming more and more driven to see this through. I’m thrilled at the changes I’ve made and I feel pride in my accomplishments. However, I feel devastated by how driven we are as a culture by consumerism. Sorrow at our mindless actions and negative impact. Anger at the greed that convinces us to fill our lives with unfulfilling things.

I have a long ways to go. I’m thankful that my husband gets it, is changing and accepting change. But we still have so far to go.

Love people. Use things. The opposite never works. -Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus

Garbology

With the recent changes in our house I’ve found myself creating new habits. The biggest is how I view the garbage can; its taken on a new meaning, almost becoming a monster lurking in the corner. I can’t look at it without thinking of what I am trying to accomplish and how far I have yet to go. I see it as a dark stain, and ugly scar in my home. In short, I’ve began to see it in a negative light instead of neutrally, as I had my entire life until now. It’s taken on a life all its own.

I would like to extend a simple challenge. Keep track of how many times in a day you throw something into the trash. Keep a running tally. When I started becoming aware I couldn’t believe the frequency. And I had been living like that my whole life! Now, say to yourself “I am choosing to throw this in a landfill”. Don’t say “just toss it” or “throw it away”. Say “landfill”. Changes the whole game, doesn’t it?

Rat Pack

I’ve been thinking hard about my requirements for next years team. I have to admit many of my personal requirements have not been met, and with some analysis I can say it is because most are not a priority. They’re love to’s, one day’s and would be cool’s. The few that were important to me, such as putting away savings for the kids, saw the most success.

To rectify this, my goals next year need to be pertinent in my life now, not just in my ideal life of ample time and comfort. I’ve started by breaking down the three areas I need to focus on; myself personally, my family and my community. Little ones have managed to completely change how I think and what my priorities are. I think with this perspective meeting my goals won’t be easy, but will become priority and not left on a back burner.

Personal- My example in this area will set a standard for my kids on the importance of self. Big responsibility, therefore I will stop procrastinating, make appointments and take the time to go to them. Schedule and keep dentist appointments at the frequency they determine necessary. As my chiropractor has moved away, find a new, trusted chiropractor, make and keep appointments at the frequency they determine necessary. I believe this will also work to achieve the third part of this one which is take care of my feet- between the plantars fasciitis and the odd, extremely painful pins and needles sensations I’ve been getting I’m surprised I can walk sometimes. The latter I believe is caused by a pinched nerve in my hip, therefore proper alignment should rectify that.

Family- This will be drastic and yet easy if I succeed. I want to achieve zero waste in my home. I’ve started my journey already by trying to eliminate plastic coming into my home; asking for less at Christmas and birthdays, gifts made from natural materials such as cloth, wood or metal. I’m in the process of changing where and how I shop- mason jars have become my best friends. I’ll need to begin collecting recyclables and make the 30 minute trip to the recycling facility on 43. This will also take research as I haven’t a clue what is or is not recyclable, what types of plastic they take, etc. I’ve began to purge my home, eliminating anything unused, unneeded or unwanted in an effort to simplify and declutter. I need to analyze each area of my home and each aspect of my life and ask myself, is this going to benefit us or hinder us? All this simply because two tiny humans came along and if I’m going to raise them I want to raise them with compassion for their home, the earth.

Community- Nick informed me that once upon a time our small summer village had a recycling program. It has since been discontinued, sometime before I moved in with Nick. I want to rectify this, in my opinion, poor decision by our council. So what will this look like? Research- I noticed on our village website we are told to “train ourselves” to use the facility on Hwy 43. So, looking at the facilities website they mention “working jointly” with several summer villages. Does this mean we’re paying for a service no one knows exists? That is so out of our way no one would use it if we did? Long story short, I need to arm myself with facts and costs and approach our council with a solid proposition to bring back a recycling program to our community.

Things need changing in our lives. Incremental progression will be key. Wait, I’ve heard that somewhere...

A Plastic World

Something has been weighing heavy on my mind. I’ve always been concerned about the state of the environment but since babies I’ve been doubly concerned. And, unfortunately, I’m seeing first hand how easy it is to make the wrong choices and how much my family is impacting things negatively.

I saw a post on Facebook by one of our fellow black belts regarding plastic kids toys. It mentioned that every plastic toy ever made ever is currently sitting in a landfill. That’s insane. Then I look at our living room and realize exactly how much plastic has accumulated in the form of toys. And that all of that will be in a landfill.

When shopping for your kids or someone else’s birthday I never considered things from this point of view, just whether they will enjoy or learn from what I give them. I’ve recently bought these cute cupcakes for Sydney where the tops come off, each a different colour and each fitting together differently. She loves this type of thing and I thought she’d enjoy it while learning about shapes. But, its plastic. It will eventually find its way to a landfill.

So, I want to change this. What is done is done, I won’t waste this toy now. And I will do my best to pass it on. But from now on I want to only purchase toys and things that are from renewable resources; wood, cloth, etc. I will not refuse used plastic toys as it is better to reuse existing things. But, with Christmas around the corner, I will be asking friends and family to avoid plastic things if they want to give something to my babies. Then I can help reduce our impact and, hopefully, make others think.

The Why Over the What

With the teams buy in regarding the daily diet tracking, the idea of returning to a vegetarian lifestyle is big in my head. I enjoyed being vegetarian; the challenge, the variety (if you look) and the way it made me feel better when I woke up in the morning and when I looked in the mirror. I felt better about myself. I miss it. I only returned to meat when I became pregnant as I wanted to ensure my kidlets would get what they needed from me.

But now, I find myself in a similar situation. I won’t make my kids become vegetarian; they are in such a critical time and what I feed them needs to fulfill and support the growth of not just their bones but their brains. So, I plan on continuing to cook meat for them in the hopes that they can choose for themselves when they are older and wiser.

Problem is, kids will be kids. I cooked up a big batch of penne alfredo for them. They both love pasta and they both loved the sauce when I put it on zucchini noodles. Then I added chicken for protein. And... no one will eat it.

This is where the reasons why I want to be a vegetarian kick in. I love me a big, juicy steak. I don’t believe it’s necessarily healthier; I’m good at eating poorly no matter what. The only reason is, as Sifu Brinker mentioned, because of the life that is needlessly lost so that I can have that steak. And beyond that, the creature who had to suffer because it was seen only as potential revenue and not a living being. When it comes to the meat industry, you can bet your pennies that money is more important than quality of life or life itself.

So to stay true to vegetarianism, I would not eat that pasta dish. And I’m sure Nick would put a good dent in it but then the rest would end up in a dogs belly or the trash can. In which case those multiple chickens who suffered and died that that I could fry them up in garlic would have died for zero reason. Or zero good reason- they did serve to line the pocket of someone.

I would have to be mindless to just say no because I decided no without thinking about why I said no.

Which is how the vast majority of us go about food. Myself included. But that is what I want to change. So yes, I will eat that pasta just as I ate the fish I made for them (which they also didn’t like). I will choose vegetarian for myself at every chance I get, but I will not let any meat otherwise in this house be wasted. In this way I hope to set an example for my kids and those around me; it’s not just what you do but why you do it that matters.

I Need a Nap

I can’t count the times I’ve opened this page and started to write something. It’s obvious how far I’ve gotten by the number of posts I haven’t posted.

My life has been revolving around naps and meal times and not a whole lot else. I can’t say that I’ve been keeping up with any of the requirements, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about any of it or that I don’t feel the pressure. Unfortunately failure has become something I’m overly familiar with and as a result it becomes easier to find excuses for it.

I write this as my two overtired but stubborn babies play at my feet. Another defeat as neither would go down for a nap and after two hours trying I’ve just accepted another rough night. I doubt either of them see it as a failure but I sure do.

This isn’t going to be another “I’m-falling-behind-but-here’s-some-motivational-talk-and-I’m-going-to-pull-my-socks-up” post. Those don’t work; if they did then my socks would be so high up my toes would be tearing through the ends. This is a “I’m sucking and need help” post.

Photo from yesterday and proof I don’t always fail.

I’m Still Here

I’m finally enjoying putting together a form, which doesn’t sound like much but for me it’s huge. I’m using YouTube as a base but changing things to suit me and make it more Kempo. I’m struggling with a couple steps, making it work with how I want to turn and how I want to end up.

I’ve been working on my ukulele requirement. It feels nice to pick it up again. And it makes the babies smile. Strangely enough the inspiration from the kids movie Trolls. Who would have thought.

Years ago I decided a good requirement would be to complete a room in the house. I had picked the living room- and no, it’s not complete. It’s hard when it relies on so many things outside my control but we’ve made a lot of progress throughout the whole house and that makes me happy. I managed to get the entire upstairs completed, mostly when I was pregnant, starting right from the studs. Goes to show what you can accomplish when you have the motivation. Just missing one door, which is on Nicks to do list.

I can recall so many times when I was able to accomplish so much; the key was having the right reason to do it. There are some requirements I’m already struggling on so I’m trying to change my approach, find the reason that will give me the drive to see them through. Blogging being one of them. Right now I have a little voice saying just shut up and do it. You’d think with so many beneficial and logical reasons this would be a no brainer.

Progress is Progress

I’m finding it difficult to keep up with all the requirements. I feel like I’ve been having to pick my battles; I have no excuse not to do the sit ups and pushups so those are the best numbers I have, but putting together my weapons form is creeping at a painfully slow rate. I can’t really swing a weapon around or even work on my stepping with my two critters at my feet. I regret not taking advantage of my access to the kwoon when I could; now I have to battle my guilt when I am there.

I didn’t mean to start this off on such a negative note. On the contrary, I feel like I’m finally being forced to add structure to my life. And that is a good thing. I’m reminding myself to stay present when I’m with my kidlets. I’m able to focus better when I have a chance to work on paperwork or a project as the opportunity can end at any moment. As a result I feel the quality of my work and time spent in general is higher. Although I have no time my time is well spent.

Normally a blog like this would have taken me 20 minutes to write and edit. This one was over three days. C’est le vie. And Carter just woke up so...

What We Do

I have a memory from elementary school that is as vivid now as the day it happened. I was a kid that befriended anyone, didn’t belong to any one “click” but wandered as I pleased and I feel like I was accepted by most in this role. I remember one day at recess I was with a few friends, one of which I considered my best friend. I don’t remember the circumstances but I do remember the girls I was with started picking on another girl, calling her names, pushing her to the ground. I was young, I didn’t know what to do but I knew instinctively that it was wrong. But I didn’t do anything about it. I stood back and watched it happen with wide eyes and later when this girl reported what happened I was named as one of the girls that was bullying her. I remember being called into the office, the incident went on my report, my parents were contacted and I felt so ashamed but I also felt it was unjustified, it was not me! I didn’t do it!

This was before Kung Fu but I still had the understanding that it was wrong. I just didn’t know what to do and even if I had I didn’t have the confidence to stand up to my best friend and risk the fallout.

When I see all the kids lined up in front of me I can remember what it was like at that age. Nothing was more important than acceptance from my peers. When I was older I remember being on the other side of the fence but it never bothered me. It just didn’t bother me if someone didn’t like me and I always knew that they’d come around or just quit. I had good friends and I felt secure in who I was. No one else could tell me who I was.

What do we teach? Too many just see the kicks and the stances and the pushups and the punches. They are only tools. The physical skills that we teach and develop are only tools to teach real Kung Fu, real self defence. In our lessons we encourage personal excellence, and make sure we acknowledge the big and little milestones alike. The words we use will never break a child or student down. We ensure we build up confidence, the real kind of confidence that comes from competence. Not the phony kind that stems from low self esteem. We teach the kids to love themselves, and if they can’t in the moment then we will for them. We temper this with a drive to always improve because no one is perfect. We’ll be excited for them at the things they achieve, especially if they’re too shy to be excited for themselves. We will accept them for who they are in each moment.

Do we teach kids how to handle conflicts and bullys? Every day. You may not hear the term or even see the dots in any given class. Given time these kids will not only have the skills to deal with conflict, but they will also have the conviction to do what is right but hard, the passion to excel at what they love, the confidence to admit and accept their faults, and the determination to never quit trying to improve.

I know now that I was rightly named and I acted no better than the girls directly involved. It felt horrible in my heart but I did not have the skills to handle the situation. As a result I feel shame when I think about it. If a child has a similar memory when they’re an adult, I want them to be able to think about it with pride instead of shame. This is what we do in Kung Fu.

Welcome Back to the Beginning

The banquet is behind us and I have to say the people recognized that night were truly extraordinary, each displaying what hard work and dedication can accomplish. Well done to you all, I’m proud to be able to train beside you.

I’m looking forward to the new year and the new team. I know that I never got back on track last year as I should have and could have done, so a reset like this is welcome and much needed. I have no excuses and no physical limitations other than those I can improve, which are the best kind.

I need to change the way I approach this year. I know I am not lazy- the kilometres I wrack up in a day can attest to that. What I need is to work on my time management skills and my ability to balance all my priorities so that one doesn’t get left to wilt. I need to create the habits that will make this sustainable and successful, something I have yet to accomplish. I know how; its written down for all to see. Less yak, more smack.

This Year

Looking back on the year is something I’ve been doing a lot of lately. So much has changed for me, my life does not look the same as it did a year ago.

I’ve learned the value of patience. Not just waiting for the coffee maker, but eight years of waiting for our little man and little lady to arrive. Patience to sit up all night with a baby who had a nightmare and enjoy it. Patience with myself because I cannot get it all done. Typical parenting stuff.

Unfortunately, a large portion of my year was defined by just surviving. I almost died. Not many people know how serious my condition was when I was in the hospital, but I was close to not making it out. The thought of which absolutely devastates me when I think of it in conjunction with the two little ones playing beside me now.

I have never been tested as I was this year. My strength, my character, my ability to stay calm and move forward. I had the physical strength to recover. I had the mental strength to take it day by day, do what I needed to do to get better and not (completely) break down with the thought of missing their first month of life. I had the intelligence to listen to the doctors, abide by the nurses and to take it easy when I got home. I had the perseverance to maintain my milk supply for a month in between ct scans and surgeries. I had the motivation and ability to return to classes in September, when I had originally said I would. I contribute all of these in large part to the IHC and to the lessons I’ve received over the years.

My scars from this ordeal will never leave me. The difference is that I have the ability to look at them and feel pride and immense gratitude. The devastation of missing out on their first month is ever present in the back of my mind but it does not shape my thoughts or actions.