UBBT 7

So, I went and did something I was not planning on doing. I played the little birdy on Wednesday, and Sifu Brinker managed to convince me to join UBBT 7, which I had no intention of doing. But, now that I have, I'm happy about it. No quitting and no going back, right? So, wish me luck and sweat. Sifu Brinker, you're gooood.

Work in Progress

So, I do believe I can claim the title of worst Body-For-Life participant. I don't think I've hit 6 meals yet this week, or even last week now that I think about it. Still, I've been paying attention to what I eat, focusing on protein and carbs as required, and throwing in as many veggies as I can. I'm out of cottage cheese- this is a crisis as I have been relying on it to be a quick straight-from-the-container meal. I'm out of the shakes, which means I haven't been getting in the first meal of the day. I haven't had breakfast during the week for the last how many years, so getting into the habit now is a work in progress. I'm slowly getting better with the entire routine, so I figure that if I keep at it I'll get it down eventually and can write something a little more inspiring for everybody.

And living with a skinny Ukrainian isn't helping...
That should be an oxymoron.

Revelations

So, what has the UBBT done for me?

I remember when Sifu Brinker first proposed the UBBT to us, I went home and had a long hard talk with Nick about it. He was helping me think it through- my time was already limited, I'm a very personal kinda person and hate any kind of publicity, I already had numerous other commitments. Talking it through, logically I shouldn't have joined. So, I did.

I remember saying, this is my opportunity. This is something that can completely change who I am and turn me back into the person I was at 16, prior to obtaining black belt. When I explained it to my parents, I remember my mom saying it was a great idea, but whats the point? How do you explain to someone the benefit of doing a challenge when the benefit is the challenge behind it? I think I managed to, though.

So, what has it done for me? I'll start with the simpler stuff, because I'm still not sure what to write on the big stuff. I feel like I know some of my fellow SRKF blackbelts better. We always had a conversation starter, rather than "hello, how was your week?". I've developed a deep respect for vegetarians. I've spent many a dollar of coffee for strangers, which gives me a fuzzy happiness inside. I've gotten back friends that I thought I had lost forever, which is a priceless thing.

In the beginning, I wanted to turn back into the person I was prior to black. I haven't. Now that I'm here, I've realized that I did not manage to become her again, and I wouldn't want to. Evolution means progress forward, and not backwards. I am definitely not where I thought I'd be, but I can say I am not where I was a year ago. I may not have trimmed down as I wanted to, but I have definitely increased my strength, and as a result developed my confidence back enough to say "if you don't like me as I am, then thats truly your loss". If I'm going to change, it will be for me and no one else.

Its caused me to reach out to people I never had before. As I've gotten to know others, I think some know me better. Its also made me see things about me I hadn't before. I remembered I have strength, and its clearly defined my weaknesses. Its defined what I want to change in myself, and although I have not yet changed some of these things, I feel that the UBBT has given me the tools I'll need to do it.

I've also noticed that its made me more emotional instead of detached. Not that I'm crying at Nick or yelling at my boss, but the issues of the world are reaching me deeper, making me feel more compassionate and more responsible. Watching videos like Charter for Compassion, NASA's Sustainability Base and the impromptu dance of hundreds of people in a Belgium train station has been triggering deep emotions.

I'm sure I'm not thinking of something fundamental here, but for now this is what I have. I'll post more if there are any future developments...

Round II....

So I've been reattempting the Body-For-Life challenge, and I have to say the challenge is there. Again, as before, its the number of times a day that I'm supposed to stop and eat thats killing me. Following the diet is fine, eating healthy is fine, work-outs are time-consuming but fine. Its just eating 6 times a day takes a huge amount of work to prepare the food, and to remember to stop when you're not even hungry... doesn't always happen. You can eat only so many of those energy bars before you just want to huck it out the window. And I can't exactly stop and heat up my chicken when I'm driving down the Whitemud or Henday.

Well, I'll just keep plugging along. I doubt I'll be a shining star of an example for this challenge, but I'm trying...

You are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring

This is an e-mail that was shared by a peer in one of my on-line classes. Please take a moment to read it- its honest and really puts life into perspective.

[from Canada's Green Job Site, http://www.GoodWorkCanada.ca ]

You are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring

The Unforgettable Commencement Address to the Class of 2009, University of Portland, by Paul Hawken

When I was invited to give this speech, I was asked if I could give a simple short talk that was "direct, naked, taut, honest, passionate, lean, shivering, startling, and graceful." No pressure there.

Let's begin with the startling part. Class of 2009: you are going to have to figure out what it means to be a human being on earth at a time when every living system is declining, and the rate of decline is accelerating. Kind of a mind-boggling situation... but not one peer-reviewed paper published in the last thirty years can refute that statement. Basically, civilization needs a new operating system, you
are the programmers, and we need it within a few decades.

This planet came with a set of instructions, but we seem to have misplaced them. Important rules like don't poison the water, soil, or air, don't let the earth get overcrowded, and don't touch the thermostat have been broken. Buckminster Fuller said that spaceship earth was so ingeniously designed that no one has a clue that we are on one, flying through the universe at a million miles per hour, with no need for seatbelts, lots of room in coach, and really good food --- but all that is changing.

There is invisible writing on the back of the diploma you will receive, and in case you didn't bring lemon juice to decode it, I can tell you what it says: You are Brilliant, and the Earth is Hiring. The earth couldn't afford to send recruiters or limos to your school. It sent you rain, sunsets, ripe cherries, night blooming jasmine, and that unbelievably cute person you are dating. Take the hint. And here's the deal: Forget that this task of planet-saving is not possible in the time required. Don't be put off by people who know what is not possible. Do what needs to be done, and check to see if it was impossible only after you are done.

When asked if I am pessimistic or optimistic about the future, my answer is always the same: If you look at the science about what is happening on earth and aren't pessimistic, you don't understand the data. But if you meet the people who are working to restore this earth and the lives of the poor, and you aren't optimistic, you haven't got a pulse. What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power, and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice, and beauty to this world. The poet Adrienne Rich wrote,
"So much has been destroyed I have cast my lot with those who, age after age, perversely, with no extraordinary power, reconstitute the world."

There could be no better description. Humanity is coalescing. It is reconstituting the world, and the action is taking place in schoolrooms, farms, jungles, villages, campuses, companies, refuge camps, deserts, fisheries, and slums.

You join a multitude of caring people. No one knows how many groups and organizations are working on the most salient issues of our day: climate change, poverty, deforestation, peace, water, hunger, conservation, human rights, and more. This is the largest movement the world has ever seen. Rather than control, it seeks connection. Rather than dominance, it strives to disperse concentrations of power. Like Mercy Corps, it works behind the scenes and gets the job done. Large as it is, no one knows the true size of this movement. It provides hope, support, and meaning to billions of people in the world. Its clout resides in idea, not in force. It is made up of teachers, children, peasants, businesspeople, rappers, organic farmers, nuns, artists, government workers, fisherfolk, engineers, students, incorrigible writers, weeping Muslims, concerned mothers, poets, doctors without borders, grieving Christians, street musicians, the President of the United States of America, and as the writer David James Duncan would say, the Creator, the One who loves us all in such a huge way.

There is a rabbinical teaching that says if the world is ending and the Messiah arrives, first plant a tree, and then see if the story is true. Inspiration is not garnered from the litanies of what may befall us; it resides in humanity's willingness to restore, redress, reform, rebuild, recover, reimagine, and reconsider. "One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice," is Mary Oliver's description of moving away from the profane toward a deep sense of connectedness to the living world.

Millions of people are working on behalf of strangers, even if the evening news is usually about the death of strangers. This kindness of strangers has religious, even mythic origins, and very specific eighteenth-century roots. Abolitionists were the first people to create a national and global movement to defend the rights of those they did not know. Until that time, no group had filed a grievance except
on behalf of itself. The founders of this movement were largely unknown -- Granville Sharp, Thomas Clarkson, Josiah Wedgwood -- and their goal was ridiculous on the face of it: at that time three out of four people in the world were enslaved. Enslaving each other was what human beings had done for ages. And the abolitionist movement was greeted with incredulity. Conservative spokesmen ridiculed the abolitionists as liberals, progressives, do-gooders, meddlers, and activists. They were told they would ruin the economy and drive England into poverty. But for the first time in history a group of people organized themselves to help people they would never know, from whom they would never receive direct or indirect benefit. And today tens of millions of people do this every day. It is called the world of non-profits, civil society, schools, social entrepreneurship, non-governmental organizations, and companies who place social and environmental justice at the top of their strategic goals. The scope and scale of this effort is unparalleled in history.

The living world is not "out there" somewhere, but in your heart. What do we know about life? In the words of biologist Janine Benyus, life creates the conditions that are conducive to life. I can think of no better motto for a future economy. We have tens of thousands of abandoned homes without people and tens of thousands of abandoned people without homes. We have failed bankers advising failed regulators on how to save failed assets. We are the only species on the planet without full employment. Brilliant. We have an economy that tells us that it is cheaper to destroy earth in real time rather than renew, restore, and sustain it. You can print money to bail out a bank but you can't print life to bail out a planet. At present we are stealing the future, selling it in the present, and calling it gross domestic product. We can just as easily have an economy that is based on healing the future instead of stealing it. We can either create assets for the future or take the assets of the future. One is called restoration and the other exploitation. And whenever we exploit the earth we exploit people and cause untold suffering. Working for the earth is not a way to get rich, it is a way to be rich.

The first living cell came into being nearly 40 million centuries ago, and its direct descendants are in all of our bloodstreams. Literally you are breathing molecules this very second that were inhaled by Moses, Mother Teresa, and Bono. We are vastly interconnected. Our fates are inseparable. We are here because the dream of every cell is to become two cells. And dreams come true. In each of you
are one quadrillion cells, 90 percent of which are not human cells. Your body is a community, and without those other microorganisms you would perish in hours. Each human cell has 400 billion molecules conducting millions of processes between trillions of atoms. The total cellular activity in one human body is staggering: one septillion actions at any one moment, a one with twenty-four zeros after it. In a millisecond, our body has undergone ten times more processes than there are stars in the universe, which is exactly what Charles Darwin foretold when he said science would discover that each living creature was a "little universe, formed of a host of self-propagating organisms, inconceivably minute and as numerous as the stars of heaven."

So I have two questions for you all: First, can you feel your body? Stop for a moment. Feel your body. One septillion activities going on simultaneously, and your body does this so well you are free to ignore it, and wonder instead when this speech will end. You can feel it. It is called life. This is who you are. Second question: who is in charge of your body? Who is managing those molecules? Hopefully not a political party. Life is creating the conditions that are conducive to life inside you, just as in all of nature. Our innate nature is to create the conditions that are conducive to life. What I want you to imagine is that collectively humanity is evincing a deep innate wisdom in coming together to heal the wounds and insults of the past.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would create new religions overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of God. Instead, the stars come out every night and we watch television.

This extraordinary time when we are globally aware of each other and the multiple dangers that threaten civilization has never happened, not in a thousand years, not in ten thousand years. Each of us is as complex and beautiful as all the stars in the universe. We have done great things and we have gone way off course in terms of honoring creation. You are graduating to the most amazing, stupefying challenge ever bequeathed to any generation. The generations before you failed. They didn't stay up all night. They got distracted and lost sight of the fact that life is a miracle every moment of your existence. Nature beckons you to be on her side. You couldn't ask for a better boss.

The most unrealistic person in the world is the cynic, not the dreamer. Hope only makes sense when it doesn't make sense to be hopeful. This is your century. Take it and run as if your life depends on it.

..........
Paul Hawken is a renowned entrepreneur, visionary
environmental activist, and author of many books, most
recently Blessed Unrest: How the Largest Movement in the
World Came into Being and Why No One Saw It Coming. He was
presented with an honorary doctorate of humane letters by
University president Father Bill Beauchamp, C.S.C., in May,
when he delivered this superb speech. Our thanks especially
to Erica Linson for her help making that moment possible.

http://www.paulhawken.com/multimedia/UofP_Commencement_05.03.09.pdf

Body-For-Life Part II

So, I'm planning on restarting the Body-For-Life challenge. You may have noticed, last time I attempted it, that my posts suddenly stopped mentioning it. That was because I fell off the wagon (obviously).

Now I figure is a good time. I have enough reasons to do it- the holidays are coming up, I have to fit in a wedding dress next summer, because I want to. I'll be starting one of these Sundays, probably on the 15th. That seems like a nice date to start on.

Bugs and Puppy Dog Tales

Hello again.
Hearing about the H1N1 virus is giving me flashbacks of my college years, specifically my virology class. I remember my teacher explaining what the N and the H stand for, what the numbers indicate. Mostly, I remember seeing a picture of an actual influenza virus, all blurry and elegant. I was in awe. We have developed the technology to create images of something as small as a virus, and that little virus still outsmarts our technology. He's a clever fella. I'm not saying I'm a pro-illness or whatever you'd say, but I do have a respect for virus's and what they can do. They are so simple- really just some proteins and genetic material, be it RNA or DNA. No one can even say if they are really alive. They sure act like it, in my opinion.

And then, there is the vaccine issue. To vaccinate, or not to vaccinate, that is the real question. I consider myself a scientist. I admit I am not educated in the medicinal area. I do not know every specific detail pertaining to this issue, medical or holistic or health or otherwise. However, I do know that vaccinations have helped save lives, including that of my (well, Nicks, actually) dog who had canine parvovirus as a pup. Obviously, it was lack of vaccination that caused her to catch the virus in the first place. (Side note- the parvovirus is actually very pretty).

I've heard so many theories about the new H1N1 virus, from its a hoax to it'll kill us all to its not worse than a regular flu bug. I've reserved making judgements and any kind of comment, mainly because I am not prepared to get into a heated debate with anyone. However, I do have my own opinion. And although I may not get vaccinated myself, I wholeheartedly believe vaccines are effective, and that although there is always a risk associated with them, they are more beneficial than not. The only reason I may not get vaccinated myself is because I am prone to procrastination. I haven't had a vaccine since I was in college- but I would absolutely get it if I was.

My limited science background may be limited (allow myself to introduce myself), but I imagine it is more extensive than some of those who make snap decisions about issues like this and who argue that vaccines are dangerous and all you are doing is injecting yourself with the virus (actually, the virus is rendered noninfectious prior to injection)blah blah. This is only my opinion, and feel free to disagree. I just felt like I've been quiet long enough about the subject, in an attempt to not step on toes. I'd rather my kid get mildly sick after vaccination that severely ill after infection. And really, its not that bad. The pin prick is the worst part for me, and even that is minor. Papercuts hurt worse.

This is What Happens When I don't Know What to Write

I've been staring at this computer screen for about twenty minutes now, and I still don't know what to write. When I started this journal challenge, I loved it. I think that I've tapped the well dry, though. I don't know if its because nothing exciting happens in my life, or at least anything that I'd consider submitting you to. I doubt anyone would want to hear about my wedding dress shopping nightmares.

Thats one thing. I've been having alot of vivid, sometimes disturbing dreams lately. They end up taking events in my life and twisting them brutally. I'm always anxious in my dreams now, and I end up waking up feeling anxious and down. What the hey. Why can't I dream about Vin Diesel or a trip to Hawaii, maybe with Vin Diesel. I'd even take Johnny Depp.

Maybe I'm taking my anxiety from the day into my dreams. Hm. Didn't think of that. But I didn't think I was that anxious. Maybe I handle stress badly? You'd think I would have figured that out by now, though.

I have a headache. Thats all I'm really worried about right now. Well, the only thing that I'm currently worried about that I'm going to think about right now. The rest of it can just be a dull humm of perma-worry, as usual. Perma-worry. That should be a word.

Anorexia Nervosa

In the spirit of Mental Awareness Week, here is my contribution.

Anorexia nervosa is an illness that many have heard about, however few can understand. It is a psychological disorder, characterized by out of control dieting, obsession with weight and weight loss. Individuals suffering from AN normally have a distorted body image and poor self image, which only serves to compound the problem. Methods used by individuals with AN are voluntary starvation, excessive exercise and the use of dietary drugs. The obsession with becoming thinner is actually secondary to the driving fears and need for control over one’s body.

There are multiple components contributing to AN, including neurobiological, psychological and sociological factors. Some researchers believe that this disorder can stem from the demands placed upon individuals by society and family expectations. 90-95% of those affected are female, most often from middle and upper socioeconomic groups. Individuals who are in a position where thinness is more desirable (eg. athletes, models, dancers) are seen to be at higher risk. Despite these identified trends, no definite cause for AN has been determined. If the condition becomes too severe, it can often become fatal.

Bah Humbug (Again)

By Friday of last week, I was ready to run to the hills and start making a living off the land with a bow and arrow and a wooden spoon. I was stressing over so many issues, pretty well every area you can think of- home, personal, work, school, health... I found my first gray hair on Friday. And it wasn't even gray, its white. Bah.

I was not in a happy place. I was affected after dealing with people who showed no qualms about dragging the world through the mud for their own benefit. I was in so much discomfort, and so stressed out about my health and how it might now impact my future. I had intented on attending the black belt class just to watch- ends up that my ride to my car ignored the fact that I had to be gone and thus I walked in for the last ten minutes only. I was already crabby- now I was grumpy. Yes, there is a difference between the two.

I walked in grumpy. I sat down grumpy. I smiled at everyone, but I was still grumpy. Finally I tuned into the conversation going on in class, and I began to ignore my grumpiness. Then, when we started to actually talk about the Benevolent Foundation, and I was physically and emotionally surrounded by everyone in the room, I finally destressed, calmed down, thought rationally and felt better. You can't help but feel better when surrounded by people you know, who hold the same values and ideals as you.

Long story short- thanks everybody for making me feel better on Friday. I'm sure no one was aware that they did anything, but you did, and I needed it. Thanks.

Kason is His Name

I've officially ended my vegetarian time. I initially planned to try for one month, and I managed 33 days. I'm happy that I tried that challenge, but I'll admit I was uber happy when I had my first piece of steak. Soooo tasty. I have a new found respect for vegetarians, but from now on, you guys are on your own.

On another note, my brother is now a daddy. Introducing Kason Aurthur LaRocque. I've had nieces and nephews for as long as I could remember, but I have never been as close to my half siblings as I am with Rene. So, this is something new and exciting for us all. And my mom is now officially an oma (you hear that, ma?).

I get to meet Kason for the first time tonight. I was getting a little misty eyed just talking to Rene last night, so we'll see how I do tonight. I could hear the difference the little guy has made in my brother over the phone.

And, now we have another name that catches the spell check!

Drool...

I had a dream. It was about steak. It was the most delicious, tender steak, seasoned perfectly, cooked perfectly. When I realized what I was eating, while dreaming, I had a panic attack. It was just so normal for me to have that steak that I hadn't noticed what I was doing. I cheated at the vegetarian challenge without knowing it.

When I woke up and realized it was a dream, three things happened in my head. I was happy I was still on track with the challenge, I had a major craving for streak, and somehow I felt satisfied that I had gotten to have a steak after so long. So what if it was a dream steak. I still enjoyed it hugely and remember enjoying it. No difference than if I had really had a steak and then remembered enjoying it. Both memories are in my head. And I bet my dream steak will never be matched by any restaurant. Or even Nick.

Soon. I can have one soon.

Thank You Guys, It Looks Great

Its great to see people come out and lend a hand. Last week was the annual reno's at the kwoon, and I have to say the place looks good. Its understandable, with school starting and the long weekend, that we might have been running lean. However, echoing Sifu T. Playter, we were lacking volunteers, and missed some from those who signed up. I left work one day to help Sifu Playter, since no one who was signed up showed up. One night I had help from two who were scheduled and from two who were not (thanks guys). Please note- this is not for anyone who let us know beforehand that they could not make the scheduled times. Thank you for letting us know.

Leaving on a good note- to everyone who helped, you guys were amazing. Sifu Brinker was right on the mark when he said that though the crew was small, they were incredible. And the enthusiasm! It didn't seem to matter when I gave you guys horrid little jobs like scraping the paint from the mirrors and windows, scrubbing the baseboards with a toothbrush or edging the ceiling- you guys still made me smile with your attitudes.

Quote- "You're Only Eating Foods' Food Now"

So, I've been pretending to be a vegetarian since Sept 9. I say pretending because, although I respect others who choose to be vegetarian, I am not. I'm only eating like one for a while. I have to say, its gone easier than I thought (except for the first day, when Nick had to slow cook a mouthwatering roast, and the whole house smelled sooo good all day, I coulda licked the walls).

Sifu T. Beckett is helping me out. She's been giving me some really great ideas, and really, its not as hard as I thought it would be. I enjoy so many other things, I'm just revisiting foods that I haven't had for a long time like spaghetti squash, spinach, etc. Even so, I really do have a whole new respect for people who choose this lifestyle. I went to a major restaurant chain while in Vernon, B.C and from the entire menu I only had two options. Sometimes, you don't even have two. Geez, I would have thought that restaurants would have caught on to the trend and would start offering more alternatives to meat.

I'm slightly worried though. I have been abnormally tired for the last couple weeks. It seems no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired during the day. The hardest thing I do everyday is get out of bed. I don't know the specifics, but I'm suspecting the lack of protein may be part of the cause. I've been eating cottage cheese (yes, I actually like the stuff now) eggs and tofu often, but not as often as I would have eaten meat. I don't know. Maybe its just a coincidence.

Later Gators

We're gonna miss you two.

The Pic Was Titled "Lego Ninja Floats Through the Branches Like a Stealthy Breeze"

Lego is something that should never be forgotten and never be denied. Its great for fun time, for flexing your creative muscles and for bonding with those you love. Age is not a factor.

Its great to be a mature, responsible adult, but I find that I need to keep in touch with my internal kid in order to really be happy and to appreciate the little things. Kids have a way of noticing everything and fully appreciating everything. Including just how great Lego is. Because, really, the stuff is awesome.

I think that being a martial artist falls in line with being a kid. We notice the little things. When we finally throw that first good, technically correct front thrust, we can feel it, and feel the difference from when we were blindly throwing a weak front thrust. We can appreciate the little light bulb, and we don't forget. Same goes when we watch a great demo, or a great sparring match. We notice the subtle differences between mediocre and great and we understand the effort that particular student went through to train their body to snap like that or to turn the foot the extra degree. Hard work really does pay off.

I'm Feeling Warm Fuzzies After Writing This

While reading all the short blurbs people had posted on what Kung Fu had done and is doing for them, I realized there are a few universal areas.

1. Empathy
Although this is self explanatory, I'm really beginning to see the results through the UBBT. Some of the things written by the other black belts and students really makes you think, makes you want to help your fellow man, and opens your eyes to the problems and blessings around you. It is your greatest ally when teaching, and it broadens you own mind when you apply it.

2. Strength
This applies to so much more than physical ability. I doubt many people fully understand the magnitude of strength you can draw from Kung Fu, and Silent River specifically. The strength to do push ups or hit the heavy bag are minor when compared to the strength needed to say no or yes, to walk away from a bad situation or a bad relationship, or to follow through with a commitment. I would not have had the strength required to live the life I have if I did not have Silent River as a part of me. I am fully aware that I could have so easily fallen into the same traps people around me have, such as staying with the wrong individual, or giving into peer pressure, or not taking the risks that have paid out so fully. From picking a salad at lunch, to breaking my own heart but knowing that it would get better. The strength I have drawn from the lessons I have been taught in class... it is so much more than I can ever begin to repay.

3. Family
I know this topic had been hit heavily in the last little while, but that is because it really is amazing. Knowing that you really do have an entire school filled with people filled with a sense of belonging. I would happily give my left arm (means more to me than my right) to help a family member. And I know they'd give me their right. I spend more time with the people in my classes than I do with almost everybody else. We are all committed to the same ideals, the same path. Its odd to think that the only reason I know most of you is because I was put in a class when I was nine, a decision made by my parents and following my brother. It really brings into perspective how a little rock you think nothing of can create such big and lasting ripples.

There are more, so many more things that Silent River has done for me. I say Silent River and not Kung Fu because without the school, there is no art. And I have to say, its been the lessons, the people and the life given to me, more than the punches and kicks, that have left their mark.

I Can Tell You the Exact Thought Process I Went Through, But It Might Scare You Away

Several people have told me that my brain works very randomly. I think this is another case of that.

Last night I was sitting, watching a movie with Nick and folding cranes. I have a small mountain of them on my dining room table that I'm quite proud of. Anyways, as I was folding, I became very aware of what I was actually doing. Not the purpose behind the cranes, ie. support peace, but just the folding of the paper itself. I've always been aware of what they are a symbol of. Not so much of what they really are.

Many people have a hard time with origami, understandably. There are some very complicated folds that have to be made in order to create something like an elephant, a vase, or a crane. So my thought was, if we have such a hard time following a preset pattern, imagine the individuals who created the pattern to begin with. The thought, the logical sequence and the time that must have been required to figure out how to make a piece of paper create a desired shape. It reminds me of a rubix cube. To logically understand what twists are required to move one section to a specific location... eek. Only origami would be a hundred times worse. I think there are a lot more Einstein's out there than we know of.

It brought me back into the moment, to what I was doing. Breathe in, breathe out. And it reiterated the idea of noticing the small things around us, and appreciating everything. I couldn't even attempt to create a recognizable shape from a scrap of paper without someone telling me how.

Tying this into my last post- give appreciation and acknowledgment where it is due.

"Go away, I'm looking for the Truth"

I managed to surprise one of my best friends this past weekend. When I asked her to be my maid of honor, she was stunned, which actually stunned me. She said absolutely, but why did I choose her? I have many other friends that either I see more often, who I've known longer and grown up with, or who know me better. But to me, this girl what who I wanted to stand beside me. I don't know many others who have her compassion, her morals and her loyalty. She is a great human being, and I told her so.

Its interesting how the truth can be so openly blatant and obvious, but people miss it. "The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth,'' and so it goes away. Puzzling." (Robert M. Pirsig).

If you've got a buddy like this, acknowledge them. They probably don't know.

Good Golly!

On Monday I was discussing theory with several of my students. I came across the respect vs. discipline question, and although I had to lead them to some different thoughts, I was excited about what came out.

One specific point that was brought up was about self discipline. I had asked them what are some of the ways that they are or can be self disciplined. I think I stumped them. We went over a few things like practicing at home, push-ups, etc. So, I threw in one more- I said "You guys are here". Their response was something like "Yeah, of course. So?". Its the summer holidays, its a Monday night, we all have other things we could be getting done. Yet here you are, willing and eager. Thats pretty gosh darn great!

However, I don't think any of them had ever thought of it that way. Kung Fu is something that they do because they want to, they enjoy it and they get something out of it. This, I thought, is even better!

It takes alot to commit to anything, expecially something that takes so much time, money, sweat, blood and potentially a full lifestyle change. But, we don't see it like that, right?

A Couple of Things....

So, I just finished a post on logic. I think it was boring, so I'm just gonna lay it to the side. And, it involves onions. Really, how good can something be if it involves onions?

On another topic...

I think that my brain works differently than everyone else. Things that seem so black and white to me, so obvious, are lost on people closest to me. Even when I try to explain what I'm feeling or why I reacted to something the way I did, I can't get the ideas through. I get so frustrated, and I'm tempted to pull out the paper and crayons in an attempt to clairify things.

I know part of the issue is that the other person also works on a different level than the rest of the populace. You are a result of your environment, your home life, the lessons you've been taught, the experiences you go through. But only in part. You are also a result of what you choose to do about your environment, home life, experiences. And I have to say, I'm getting a glimpse of how different our minds are, how different our 'life theories' are, for lack of better words. And even though our brainwaves are clashing and cutting eachother off, that does not mean we are not compatible, or that we are really so different.

Another side track. I'm happy to say that even though I did not choose to add the mending relationships to my list, I have recently gotten back two good friends. We had gone astray, for very good reasons. Its been about three years for one, four for the other. What the issues were do not apply here, only that fact that they are both back in my life, and I am supremely estatic about it. The saying that you never know what you're missing until its gone does not apply here. More like I never knew how much I missed them until I got them back.

At the time, a break was the best idea for all parties involved. I don't regret the time away from them, but I realize the value of the time I will now have with them. Sometimes the second time around can be strengthened by the failures of the first. The mending three relationships requirement of the UBBT is absolutely invaluable.

Smiley Happy People....?

I always like to think that there are more happy, cheerful people in the world than not. Its hard to believe this when everyone you pass sneers at you or looks mad if you meet their eyes. I live in a summer village beside a lake, where you know your neighbours and you do 35 km/h down a dirt road. Meaning you have plenty of time to wave at anyone around you. I make it a practice to wave any anyone I see or pass on that road, but I have to say I get an angry look back much of the time.

Why are people always so judgemental? Is there something about me that says I'm not worthy of a smile or wave? I dunno. But it is definitely sad that I am judged by where I live or who with or whatever.

Some things that you should know in order for this post to make sense. When I was living at home, people around the lake ie. in the small community I live in now, knew me through my mother, who at the time owned the little store there. Everyone liked me because most knew I taught the local kids kung fu, I got honors and I was a college student. Aka, I was doing something with my life, I had potential, I was making the right decisions, etc. At the same time, there was one guy who had a bad reputation. He was a bachelor who lived at the lake by himself in the house that he was left by his late dad (sad story, maybe another time). He often had friends over on the weekends, and would have a fire, play horse shoes and play music. He was never irresponsible, would help his elderly neighbour, clear the driveways around him, fix his neighbours truck. But, yes, he would throw a good party once in a while. And because of this, he had a bad rep, was thought of as young, dumb, reckless, a nuisance, tsk tsk that guy is not going to go anywhere with his life.

Well, I'm engaged to this man. He has settled down, and I can say from experience that he is one of the smartest, most loyal, hardest working and kindest people I know. In his words, he didn't settle down because he didn't have a reason to. I came along, and that changed. Mind you, we still play horse shoes frequently.

Anyways, the point is that people will believe what they want no matter what they see. Since I started dating him, I have been given the image of reckless, dumb, I'm not going anywhere with my life. All because I chose to be with a guy they didn't like. And this all comes from people that do not know me or him.

Thank goodness that those who do know us know we are good people, who clear the driveways around us and help the old lady catch her cats. My man is a great man.

I guess all I really had to say was get to know someone before you judge them.

I Love Birdies

Every year around this time I am reminded of why I love nature and the country and life in general so much. Its way too easy to lose track of the world around you, to miss details and moments and such. However, this time of year always works to reground me and bring the moments I might have otherwise missed back to me.

I've been trying to spend more time at my parents house. Even though they live maybe 5 minutes away from me, its a whole different place. There are no fences because nothing needs to be kept in or out (mind you, there should be one around the garden...). There are no neighbours looking through a window at your front yard. There is hardly any traffic, millions of birds and bugs and deer. Our dogs sing along with the coyotes. That, by the way, is something to hear. When I'm there, not even the smallest detail gets by me. I get to pretend I'm a little kid and chase the dogs around the yard, then drop, right where I stand, on the grass and let them all pounce on me. I putter around the yard, throw sticks and pick up interesting objects.

My mom, dad and I spent a good 45 minutes watching birds eat the blooms off the apple tree. This was sooo not a waste of time, as many people I know would tell me. It brought me right back into the moment, and made me breathe deeper (that tree smells so good!), smile and remember how privileged I am to be able to just stop without worry.

I'd suggest finding a spot like this, by a lake or in a meadow, and just stop, listen and watch everything around you. Take note and appreciate nature and the life around you. You can borrow our lake or apple tree if you want (as pictured above). We even have a meadow up in the bush, if you don't mind a short walk.

The 178th Street Dancin' Guy

There are so many ways people in the world can make this place happier and brighter. Dancing Dan is one of those guys who has found an effective way, albeit unusual. Even people who outwardly shake their heads at his behavior should inwardly applaud him. By dancing by the street, with no reservations and not worrying what everyone else thinks, Dancing Dan is making not only himself feel good, but also others who can appreciate his dancing for what it is. Expression, and a method of creating more good feelings in the world.

I'm reminded of a video Sifu Brinker had posted, where a guy went around the world and just got people to dance. My heartstrings were a humming when I watched it. I wanted to be apart of it. And now, we have something very similar occurring on our doorsteps. We shouldn't be trying to shut him down, or fine him, or run him out of town. If we really wanted to make the most out of this life, and make an impact for the better, we should be joining him. How often do you see an individual who honestly does not care if others think he's odd? How often do you meet someone who does things just because it makes them feel better, who actually stops to do something that makes them feel better? How often do you see someone who through his actions can reach so many people, and potentially make the angry man behind the wheel relax and smile? Who knows, maybe instead of "potentially causing" accidents, Dancing Dan may be preventing them by helping put a cap on anger.

You dance, kid. You dance.

Puppy Dog Tales

Master McNeill asked us of our emotions are closer to the surface since starting the UBBT. I had to answer yes, most definitely. I had been wondering what was wrong with me over the last several months- everything gets a response from me now. Little things like dumb commercials about an old man spilling his milk nearly makes me cry.

Larger things like driving home and seeing all the stray, unfed and uncared for dogs makes me so angry, every day. On multiple occasions I have stopped to pick up a particulairly bad looking dog, and have successfully found homes for them. I know one is named after me, bringing the total up to two dogs that bear my name. After watching a car stop, drop off three young pups on the side of a highway, then speeding off, I was torn between running the car down or stopping. I stopped for the dogs, and they all have homes. My fiancee says I care more about animals than most people. I wonder why. We had a box of day old puppies (seven of them) dropped off at my moms store several years ago. The mother had been shot, punishment for getting pregnant. The pups were not moving- we thought they might already be dead. I took them to the vet, and they told me there was no way they could be saved, and were going to euthinze them. I said no, and I took them home. My mom and I hand raised them, feeding them every three hours, day and night, from a bottle. Every one of them lived. The two we kept, Diesel and Harley, grew into two of the biggest suckiest monsters I've ever seen. My own dog, Chloe, was found as a starved puppy on the side of the road. I was to take care of her until we found her owners, and needless to say the owners did not want her. So, she's mine, and I'll never give her up. Happiest dog I've ever known, and most spoiled.

The UBBT has made me even more aware of these kind of issues, from poverty to crime to puppies without a home. I now carry a container of dog food in my car. I know I cannot save every dog, but I will absolutely help those I can.

Pearls of Wisdom

Yes, I know everybody from Silent River is writing about the visit from Master Dave McNeill, and I don't plan to be too different.

The things we had the opportunity to learn we unbelievable. Things were so simple and so effective. Canes are a nasty weapon in the right hands. Heck, even in the untrained hands they can be nasty.

The information we all learned I can only describe as invaluable. I have taken shots in the kidneys before, but never so effectively and so nasty. By the way, nasty is good in this sense. Simple bits of knowledge such as poke 'em here, give a little twist here, wow. Again, invaluable. I've always told my students be sure to really listen to your instructors and people around you, you never know when a pearl of wisdom may fall out of their mouths. I was absolutely buried in pearls this weekend.

Even outside the training hall, Master McNeill is an amazing man to know. Sifu Freitag and I got the opportunity to take him out to the drop zone between seminars. Its not very often that I feel comfortable and relaxed around someone I've just recently met and whom is held in such high regard. If I didn't have an interest in skydiving, I sure do now. Sifu Freitag may find herself with a tag along in the sky.

Needless to say, this last weekend was one that I am so grateful to be apart of. Thanks to Sifu Brinker for punting my butt at the last minute.

Take Comfort in the Little Things

Lately I've been so overwhelmed by blown up plans, misjudged goals and stress, I can't see the forest through the trees. I've been forgetting everything that has gone right, too wrapped up in everything that has gone, and is going, wrong.

So, I need to step back. I'm forgetting what I am capable of, and to remind myself I'm looking back on what I have accomplished. I have been in Kung Fu for about fifteen years, and I have never regretted the blood, stress and pain (physical or otherwise) that goes along with it. Its all been a part of a struggle that has been more than worth it, even in those times that it feels overwhelming.

Despite immensely disliking competing, I had made it a goal to compete with completely new weapons in this years Tiger Challenge. I did it, along with winning metals in hand forms, grappling and continuous sparring. Its not the metals I'm proud of ( although they are pretty), it's the fact that I successfully forced myself up there.

I also feel that my lion dance and teams give me bragging rights. Come see us June 6 in Onoway. Enough said.

I have always prided myself in what I know I can do. So why have I slacked? I don't know. But, having been given an immense wake up call, I feel oblidged to not only make it up, but to fully reach my peak, push my capabilities to the limit and see if I can't show everyone who believes in me that they have underestimated me instead of overestimated. I'm not going to just wave off my difficulties. I'm stressed out for a reason, and I recognize this. I will, however, work to overcome them.

And a warning- there are several of you that I plan to drag along with me. Kicking and screaming if need be.

Motivation vs. Discouragement

I am really learning the value of empathy and understanding your students. This goes way beyond simple training and teaching methods- it involves who they are, what they need and what their intentions are. It involves what will help the individual student to get past their speed bumps- there is no blanket works-for-everybody method. Some students who are not aware or do not admit their failings may pull encouragement from a harsh reality check. Others who are aware and who are honest about their failings may not be encouraged by this method. I firmly believe that if an individual has been honest enough and straight enough to admit their failings, and not make excuses for them, that should be an indicator that a self reality check has been completed, and that now the student is ready to try again and is asking for help. (Note: Help comes in different froms, depending on the individual. Again, no blanket method exists).

Every student is different. You cannot force a square student with round methodology. Getting to know each student beyond knowing if they are a visual vs. vocal learner is not enough if you want your students to progress beyond just a practitioner into an internal martial artist.

Wicked Awesome Times

So I was majorly stressing about my kama form. I'm happy with what I have, but I was hoping to lengthen it (ie. go for the entire song) and it can be hit and miss with my timing to the music. But, its kinda cool (I think) thus far.

The Tiger Challenge last weekend was wicked great. It was the scene of my kama form debut. I really thought I could have majorly done better, but I did get a lot of positive feedback. I tried to make it go with the music, and the song was excellent for giving me ideas. The lyrics were descriptive, ie. 'come from behind with a back attack", "strait in your face" and later "down to your feet". Again, it could have been great if I had gone the entire length of the song. I was even planning on switching to sai's near the end. There was a great place to do this.

Congrats to everyone involved, everyone did so awesome it was a room full of wickedness and awesomeness and electrical greatness. Every year I am awed about what we as a group can do and create. Awesome job to all the competitors and all the volunteers and voluntolds.

Several of the students in Onoway now want to maintain and expand on what they have, so we can put together a wicked awesome demo for the summer of wickedness that is approaching. Everyone is invited to join in our awesomeness.

Babbling Mind and Body

So, getting back to tradition, a group of us did an oldschool demo last Saturday. The only prep we had was some minor communication over the net, a (disastrous) run through Friday night, and a couple more choppy runs Saturday before we headed out.

It ran smoothly for the most part. I have to admit one of the two biggest fumbles was mine, but thankfully the act following was on the ball and was able to jump on the stage when I decided it was best to get off. "Decided" is the wrong word. I have a strangely clear memory of my performance, and even more strange is the fact that there were either too many thoughts or no thoughts at all going through my head when I fumbled, recovered, improvised, fumbled, and finally left the stage.

Well, there were thoughts initially. During the first part, I was thinking, this 'ain't so bad, confidence is key, keep moving, no, not really bad at all. Then, I fumbled. I remember realizing all the internal babble was probably to blame. I can babble to myself during my forms only IF I am completely comfortable with them. Ie. if they are ingrained into my body and no brain is required. My kama form is NOT in this category. My fumble was not a pause, ohno-what-do-I-do moment. It was a hey, this isn't what I'm supposta do here moment. Happy to say that although my improv was choppy, sloppy and odd, I didn't stop moving or showed any of my internal thought process on my face (except when I turned to Master Brinker, who was just offstage left, and mouthed the word "Sorry" followed by a sheepish grin, all while the internal babble screamed KEEP MOVING!!!).

So, I recovered and found a spot to jump back into my original form and continue. I attempted to just go through the motions the way I had back at the studio, with my internal cue system running, (flip kamas, both slash, pull back, butt 'em good). However, much to my dismay, I quickly found myself aborting mission and walking off stage. Sad to say that instead of continuing the cue's, my head just shut down. It was like I blanked out, and then I found myself walking off, without my brain giving my body, and specifically my legs, consent. I'm still mad at them.

Well, maybe my body was the smarter of the two. Maybe it realized that it was for the better, instead of attempting a larger section of improv and probably not getting lucky the second time. I guess I'll never know what my body was thinking....

Be a "Lucky" Person

Constriction and hindrance can only influence you if you allow them to. So many people would argue with me on this, but stop and think honestly for a moment. What is the last thing that 'constricted' you? Your job, your spouse, your schedule? Now, why do you define it as constriction? Because you couldn't do what you wanted, or you couldn't find the time. Are you not in control of every single decision you make, of every single move you make? Even if you have a gun to your head, you have a choice of what to do. You may not feel that way, but its true. Its whether or not you want to make the choice or take the harder road.

I was in an argument this weekend about this mentality. I feel if something isn't going well for you, or if something can use improving, then get to work. The fellow I was arguing with, I'll call him Bob, figured that why stress over anything, live your life, take what comes to you, and move on. Now, I believe this to work to a point. The no stress is good, the live your life is good. But the take what comes..? No. I disagree. I think "luck" and "fate" are created by you. There are no "lucky" and "unlucky" people, there are people who take control and improve a situation, or work for what they want, and people who just "take what comes to you".

I understand if some horrid event befalls you, such as a fatality, you may think there is nothing you can do to improve the situation. I understand mourning, I've had my share. But, I choose to believe that the worse the situation, the more opportunity to learn and improve. When you lose someone you love, don't take it as the end of the world. Instead, take it as a wake up call to make the most of the time you have with those who are left. "Bob" has taken the mentality "if I don't care about anything, nothing can hurt me anymore". I believe nothing that does not have the ability to hurt you or to fail is worth the time. Yes, I may get hurt worse, but I believe my life will be richer and fuller.

So, back to the point. If something hinders you, its because you need to look at the situation differently. If the situation cannot be changed, then create a new situation. If your spouse is constricting, work to understand why and work with them to fix it. If your schedule is too hectic, make the time you need. To do this, define what you need time for. Everyone needs time for family, friends, themselves. Daily. Everything else comes in second. Second. This includes your job, that appointment you have, that money you need to make.

Lately, several people have made comments that I firmly disagree with, not just "Bob". This is in response to said people. I will argue this until the day I die.

*Hiss-Hiss Stretch, Sratch Behind Ear*

For the last 7 or 8 months, I have been attempting to put together a lion dance out in Onoway. I'm not yet sure how its all going to turn out, however I am proud to say that my guys are working their butts off, and putting together something that resembles what I have in my head.

These guys are great, I have to say. I ask them to try some kamikaze stunt, and without a blink they attempt it (well, maybe a single blink). They try so hard to give me what I see in my head, even though my explanation is usually foggy and such. I know that sometimes what I say doesn't even make sense to me, however they try it out anyways.

I'm also happy to say that we attempted our first stacked rolls last Wednesday, and there were no casualties. Lei Bei is still as peppy as ever, and we are that much closer to putting together the dance. Now my only issue is mastering the double beat on the drum, and keeping the tempo even while giving my full attention to the lion in front of me.

Kudos to all SRKF lion dancers out there! Its not an easy task, and you all are fantastic!

Weeks 3 and 4

Sorry about the lateness of this post. Hectic would be the word. You all know what I mean.

So, for my last few days at my last job, I had to go to Grande Prairie on one hours notice. Needless to say, I fell off the wagon when I was there. I'm still working on getting back on. I'm hitting about four meals a day, and I cheated with a muffin and a cookie. No matter what I say, thank you Sifu for the cookie. Yum.

Regardless, I'm not our of the running yet. My mom has apparently noticed my butt getting smaller. She must have the eyes of a hawk, or maybe a scale, you know, like in the eyepiece of a microscope. That would be handy.

Week Two...

So its been one week since I've started the Body-For-Life program and it is just as hard as I thought it would be. Eating six times a day is.... hard. I'm not hungry six times a day, and if I'm not hungry I don't think of eating. When I remember, I eat, but I feel like I'll be gaining weight instead of loosing it, since I'm eating so much. The food is healthy, of course, however I was never one to really eat badly (when given the choice). The water is going better, but with the same problem. How do you drink ten glasses of water? I'm never thirsty, so I'm drinking it just for the sake of drinking it.

The workouts are going well(ish). Finding the time for them is challenging. Monday, Wednesday and Friday I do not get home until nearly 10 pm, and by then I'm tired and lazy and I have to get up early the next day. I'm not a morning person, I love my sleep, so waking up at 5:30 am is hard. Best of intentions when I go to bed, but when the alarm goes off, the snooze button is much better than crawling out of a warm, cozy, comfy bed. Guess I just have to form the habit.

I'm learning to (like) cottage cheese. I never have, but its just too convenient of a food. So, like the water and the other meals, I'm eating it for the sake of eating it, not to enjoy it. I'm worried that this is going to backfire with this mentality. But, perseverance is a virtue, no?

There just isn't enough time in the day....

My Turn

So today is Moday, February 23, and it is also the day that I set to start the Body-For-Life challenge. I'm proud to say, that even though its only 9:30 in the morning, I've started out strong. I got up at 5:30am to do my workout (lower body) and completed it with a bit of sweat on by brow. I never imagined 5:30am could actually feel good! My spouse Nick was thrilled to have the company in the morning too. I even made coffee for him.

Right now, I feel like I'm cheating because the Myoplex bar I'm eating is so yummy. Thanks Sifu Shipalesky for the info on that!! Last night I prepared several meals for myself, since I know that if I didn't do it then, packing a lunch for myself in the mornings wouldn't happen. Its great that the things I like are still available to me. I'm a big fan of food- the good stuff (and , yeah, some bad). Mmmm... Snow peas...

I'm attempting to get some of my family involved, even if its on a smaller scale. Its very hard to convince others to change their habits, expecially ones 20 years in the making. However, I'm really hoping that, in 12 weeks, I'll be living proof that this thing works. I can tell my mom and dad stories of other people and blackbelts who have followed through with it and succeeded, but honestly, they're just names to my folks. However, if their daughter struts up, leaner, meaner and stronger, I think they'll be convinced. Dad, I'm talking to you here....

Sifu Khona LaRocque
Silent River Kung Fu, Alberta, Canada

Correct Me If I'm Wrong...

I'm sure the people who know me could argue some of these, this is me trying to reflect and be honest with myself... and you guys too.

My Strengths

-I'm willing to try anything, attempt anything

-I love what I do (my classes)

-I'm kind, and usually polite

-I catch on fast, learn fast

-I'm smrt. Kidding. I mean smart

-Apparently I think I'm funny
-I'm strong in body and mind (however, note my mention on will power below)

My Weaknesses

-I procrastinate...alot

-I have very little will power with some issues, too stubborn with others

-I'm lazy

-I love my sweets

-Things that really bother me I brush off

-I have a wicked temper (as previously stated)

There you go. Both of these lists can be longer, of course, but these are what came to mind. The goal of this post is to let everyone know about me, know me better, and therefore hold me accountable. On this note, I want to send out a plea. As I said, I'm lazy, and I procrastinate. A bad combination. I need random and spontaneous kicks-in-the-rear, both self-inflicted and from others. I can cover the self-inflicted, but the rest...

Medium Rare with Sauteed Mushrooms... I'm Drooling

I'm not too sure where this post is going to lead so bear with me.

I can't seem to get a good routine going with the UBBT. It seems that when I'm doing well in one area, I fall behind on another. Its constantly a game of catch up with me. I've got my miles on track, thanks to the long walks everywhere in Mexico, but my form reps got forgotten. You not only need to train your body, you have to train your mind to set an alarm off when its needed.

So for anyone out there that is taking the Body-for-Life challenge, I'm setting a date. I'll be back in Mexico next week, but then I'll be back in full force. Anyone want to join me for Monday, February 23rd?

Then, after that, its the vegitarian challenge. I'll need everyone's support on that, I'm a huge steak lover. Love that Alberta beef.

Where Do You Draw the Line?

There have been some thoughts weighing heavily on my mind in the last few weeks. The UBBT requirement of mending 3 relationships gone bad helped to spurr my last entry here. I will say this first- that is not a relationship I want to mend, despite still having some limited interaction with this guy through other people and organizations. That is where I want to leave it.

So, why am I feeling guilty about others limiting their interaction too? Because its because of me, I know, but as it was clearly put, he made his own bed and has to deal with it. I know that too. I was described as 'conflicted'. I couldn't put it better myself. I think I'm falling into old habits again. Look out for him, not myself. How can I be doing that?

I'm at two extremes here. I want to scream and yell and cry. And I want to smile and shrug and walk off. I honestly feel both ways. Bah. I need a coffee.

I Think Reader's Discretion is Advised

I just spent the last hour reading some of the postings made by people I know and care about. Some of them opened up so much that I'm now in a mood to do the same, rather than just write about what happened to be on the telly in my head.

I can't say that I've even come close to experiencing some of the things I just read about in other individuals lives. I can only talk of experiences that I have gone through, and how they have permanently affected me.

Today, if I feel threatened I do not get scared, I get angry. This is not a good thing. Anyone who knows about my mom's store and one of her "clients" knows this is true. I have a temper, luckily with a very long fuse but usually with a fairly big boom. I have zero patience with individuals who try to be threatening or manipulative. Absolutely zero. I know this is the direct result of one person whom I was very close with several years ago. For three years I turned a blind eye to the manipulative actions of this individual, to the controlling and the obsessive possessive actions. It got to the point where I was not permitted to talk to my childhood friends. I would be dragged, literally, away from people who tried to defend me. I would be threatened with weapons. Never against me, only against himself. Being burdened with feeling responsible for another humans actions against himself is hell.

It took me three years to break away. Three years that have absolutely defined who I am now. At the time, I had no control over this portion of my life. I had no power, or I felt I had none. It drove me to persevere on all the other areas of my life, the areas that I could define for myself. It drove me to persevere in anything that others told me I couldn't do. I would not allow anyone to believe I had limits. No matter the task, I would be able to do it. One side of me was completely dictated to, so the other side I held complete control. I guess I thought that the two extremes would balance out.

After three years I snapped. I lost all feelings of responsibility for this individual, and lost all positive feelings for this individual I thought existed. It was the first and only time in my life where I didn't care what happened to to a human. I feel ashamed to admit it, but I cannot change the truth. I had finally begun to care what happened to me. I said never again, and long story short I walked out with threats of suicide being yelled at my back. I called his bluff for what it was- a mode of control over me. Nothing else. I think he was too infatuated with himself for the threats to be anything else.

I know that I still carry anger. It is a reminder to stay strong and to never have blinders. It reminds me to only surround myself with good, honorable people who honestly care and work to improve things, not control them. In the few instances where I have since seen this individual, I have seen that he has not learned a thing. He carries my initials in scar tissue on his arm. It was supposed to show me how much he cared. It showed me that I cannot be responsible for those who do not take responsibility themselves.


I have to apologize to my parents. I just wrote more about this than I had ever admitted to. Just know that your daughter is only stronger for it, not scarred by it.

I'm publishing this just in case there might be another person that may be experiencing a similar situation. Admit to the situation, pull out of it and use it to define yourself, your own qualities and what you want to do and to be in this life. I will not tolerate manipulation or threats in my life. No one else is accountable for my decisions. Every day I consciously ensure that I do not press my will on others in any way that would influence who they are or want to be. Another scary thing is, I knew many of you when this was happening. I was so good at lying to myself, I completely convinced myself that everything was okay. I convinced everyone who knew me. If you are in this situation, don't take as long as I did. Everyone wants to be happy in life. No one has the right to force others to be unhappy.

Remember the Show The Littlest Hobo? Thats Kinda What I Feel Like

As many of my fellow trainees have heard, I'm hitting some difficult times due to my job. I have my own school out in Onoway, Alberta, a small branch of Silent River Kung Fu. I started there when I was 9, under the instruction of Master Brinker, and I remember thinking how scary and intimidating he looked. I can't forget how scared I was on my first day, even with my older brother standing next to me. However, it didn't take long to see that Master Brinker wasn't as scary as he looked, but nonetheless he was just as intimidating. A good intimidating, though. Not because of his physical strength and abilities (although that definitely helped), but because of his "quiet strength". Those of you who have met him know what I'm talking about. His ability to teach, guide and nurture.

Anyways, I'm off topic here. I took over the school I grew up in when I was 18. I wasn't sure if I could do what was necessary to run a martial arts school, but it was an offer Master Brinker gave me that I would have been more than stupid to turn down. And I'm pleased to say that she's still going strong, and after all the instructors that school has seen, it now has one that has no intentions of giving it up. I have to say, even though its small, its my pride and joy.

I love that place. I grew up there, I bled and sweat and trained there. My students are a great bunch, and I learn just as much from them as they learn from me. I don't know of any other experiences that can quite match it. If anyone out there hasn't had the opportunity to teach, give it a shot. The rewards are unbelievable.

I work as an environmental consultant. Its a good job, good pay and I have a good boss, but its not my calling. Recently, its been requiring me to go out of town on occasion, as I am right now. I'm sitting in a motel room in Fairview, 5 hours from home. Obviously, I can't make my classes when I'm out of town so far away. This is a big problem. Very big problem. Very bad, big bad problem.

This situation, coupled with the goals of the UBBT, have been making me think heavily on what my class and my training really mean to me. I never really had to make a choice before. As far as I'm concerned, there is no choice to make. When I moved into Edmonton, there was no question if I was going to drive the hour long drive one way to continue to teach. It didn't bother me when I had to pull an all-nighter to finish a paper that was due on a Tuesday or Thursday (classes are Monday and Wednesday nights). I don't know what I want to do as a career, however I know that I never want to lose the Silent River family. I don't remember being without it.

So, I have to quit my job. As I said to my boss, being an environmental consultant is my primary job, but it's not my priority. There are always going to be other jobs. What my training and my instructors have given me is irreplaceable. My job does not define who I am. My training has.

So, any suggestions on a new career for me? Your guess is a good as mine. I don't know where I'm going from here. But, now that I have firmly defined my priorities, not knowing my next move isn't so scary. Well, my next move is a set of push-ups. Then, its anyones guess.