Too Much Food

I'm not normally an inspirational quote kinda girl, but this seemed appropriate.

I'm excited with the prospect of being in a lion dance. For all the years I've been involved I've never actually been in a formal dance. Drummed for them, choreographed them, taught them, subbed in them. I was never a 'chosen one' until now, and although I'm sure it's only because of lack of option I don't care, I'm thrilled (get it?). I was unsure if Sifu Brinker had realized this but I was scared to admit it to him until I had solidified myself in the position. Apparently he knew.

Christmas was great but it has sure thrown a kink in things. For the first time ever I can't wait for the holidays to be over. I'm enjoying them for sure, seeing family and friends is never a bad thing, but I'm feeling edgy and want to get back at it. Not to mention a need to get away from all the cookies and chocolate in the house currently. Overfed and sugar filled Khona needs more activity than she's been getting. Practice in the living room doesn't cut it. Increased doggie walks has been my weak substitute.

Read something about an impromptu practice? Is this happening? I'd be in...

Whip It

Hello everyone. Sorry I missed the meeting. I wish I could have been there, I could have used it that day.

Apologies for the complaining tone of this blog, it isn't my intention but I'm sure it'll come though. I plan on ending on a good note, so bear with me.

So as I've stated too many times before, this year has been rough. I've been to emergency 6 times for myself and twice for others. Visited a hospital for one reason or another more times than I have fingers or toes (or knuckles, or bones). Called 911 twice. Had a vehicle stolen. Experienced other events that I don't intend on sharing today. And most recently, have had my house broken into and my purse with my wallet and keys stolen while we were sleeping ten feet away. Hence why I was not at the meeting- too busy trying to get a temporary licence, cancelling all my credit cards, contacting the bank, getting new membership cards, changing the locks and setting up a security system at home. How sweet does that sound?

So anyways, I've been in a funk. I felt like I was managing to climb out of it the last couple weeks, then 2am Saturday morning humanity reminded me why I was grumpy. Some days it's all I can do to plaster a smile on my face that I don't feel. It's not depression, just a perpetual feeling that I want to bang my head against a wall (or, on occasion, someone else's).

Okay, I'm done with the complaining. On to brighter things.

Yesterday I decided I didn't want this anymore. I was going to get this thing whipped, dammit. First, I revamped my requirements and reached out for some help. Then I picked up my uke and played a bit with that. Then I threw in the Tai Chi dvd and followed along with Sifu Dennis for almost an hour. Then I went to class and all you folks had me feeling better.

Today I woke up feeling better and I felt great in class. Sifu Lindstrom helped me with my lion skills as Sifu Regier held my tail (oh how I felt like a bride) and Sifu Hayes giggled at us. I headed off to Service Canada and got my stolen SIN card dealt with, did some christmas shopping and came home to work on a couple other christmas gifts I was creating by hand. Made plans with my mommy to have a craft day with my neighbour. Pet my kitties and doggies and sat down to write this blog.

My stresses are still hanging with me but I won't let myself mull on them anymore. It's too exhausting and unproductive. I'm going to work my way out of this funk. You guys are my foundation- I've been looking to you all for support and you have never failed me. Just being with you guys on the mats or chatting on the sidelines makes me remember why I am a normally happy person. This team may have been created to help us toward mastery but it has evolved into more than that for me.

By the way, Chuck is my new hero. He alerted us & scared the bad guys away- I lost count of how many cookies I gave him in the wee hours of the morning.

And for your enjoyment- https://youtu.be/j_QLzthSkfM

Happy December

I just finished putting up my Christmas tree. When I'm done this post I'll get some gift wrapping done. Tis the season.

It just hit me that it's December. That means less than two months until the banquet. Less than two months until the end of the year or the monkey. My feelings on this are all over the map. Right now, a wee bit of panic is setting in- there is still so much to do!

Thats funny. My watch just tapped me to tell me it's time to breathe. What a reminder, eh?

Sifu Brinker was talking to the beginner class last night, asking them his two famous questions; where am I and what am I doing. So, where am I? Sitting at my computer. What am I doing? Typing. Taking a tiny step forwards in my progress.

I gotta stop and ask myself those questions more often. Then maybe time won't get away from me so easily.

Dash of Cinnamon

Look, I took a picture of my food! I'm cool now! Although, it's no latte....

I think its cool to hear how Sifu Brinker's vegetarian challenge has affected some people. It has affected me to be sure. I can't say I'm a strict vegetarian now but I am much more conscious of what I'm putting into my body, for better or worse. As I mentioned, I bought the Thug Kitchen cookbook and I have to say I never thought I'd crave wilted greens before. Although I did learn that mixing my own Chinese 5 spice is not the same- I don't have a clue what the ratios are. And a little cinnamon goes a long way. I'm no longer preparing meat for myself or Nick, no longer ordering it, no longer buying it and no longer craving it. My wallet has thanked me too. Yes, I did try a piece of Nicks steak that one night. It was tasty, but I found was fine with my salad. I miss the convenience more than the meat itself.

As for the uke, I haven't picked it up for a few days now but I have been practicing, going through the app suggested by Sihing Csillag (thank you!!). One day I grabbed it and sat down in front of my dad and said let me know if you can recognize this song. I don't think I even told him prior to that day that I was trying to learn it. He listened, didn't say a word and just grabbed the phone and called my mom, told her to listen. She said yeah, so? It's that guy you like. She thought he was playing Iz for her over the phone. That made my day.

Other than that, I am really a living representation of distraction. I feel that I've accomplished a lot this year, through different projects and in several different areas. Although it seems to me most of my accomplishments were outside the list I set for myself at the beginning of the year. I feel like I'm in school again- when there was a term paper due my house was never cleaner, my dogs never shiner with their groomed coats, the counters full of baked goods. But no term paper. But I'm working on it.

Well, thats all I've got. Chloe is trying to crawl on my lap- must be gun shots outside. Now thats a whole other blog...

Cranes, Weasels & Lions

I recently finished my first string of cranes. I've been in a foul mood lately and folding these guys helps me to ground myself. I've also been thinking about what they symbolize, quite fitting today, being Remembrance Day. Lest we forget.

The last week or so has been wrought with drama in all forms. Most obvious being the shock of the election. After that, the shock of how many people I know who are pro Trump and rally after his ideals. So these cranes are beginning to take on a whole new meaning for me, one small way that I can hold against everything wrong in this world without fear of backlash and harassment.

On a lighter note, here is a photo of Chloe as a lion.

Jaded

Empathy is a tough concept. There are times that no matter what I can't empathize with a person or a way of thinking, which makes it hard to have any kind of meaningful dialogue. The other side of the fence is just too... much.

I was sitting around a fire recently with a couple friends I've known since the diaper phase. Listening to one of them complain about the current government and state of the economy and then in the next breath talk about how much money the company he works for waste. Or how much resources are wasted. The bonus's the management gets and the contracts that are signed. The ways the company "save money" by burying or burning dangerous waste illegally. That time when they were supposed to call Fish & Wildlife about an endangered species but they didn't, it would have meant down time. He laughs, I cringe. Then I get mad. I'm labeled as a hippy, left winged idealist with no common sense and no idea of "realistic" expectations. From a guy who wears a pair of socks for one day and then throws them out because he likes "that new sock feeling" and can afford to buy 365 pairs a year. But complains about job loss. And I'm raked over the coals for supporting carbon tax.

Makes me feel very alone living in Alberta today. All the while seeing nothing but "Alberta Wide Rally Nov. 5th" and "Tell Trudeau Alta Matters" alongside "15 Celebrity Fails" shared and tweeted and instagrammed from the smartphones in these peoples hands. We are a rich province in a rich nation. Which, to me anyways, only increases our need to be more accountable, more responsible.

Dude, don't complain to me when you have no fresh water, no clean air, no farmable land and no wildlife. Blame yourself and your 365 pairs of socks.

Oh, and he's Trump supporter. Go figure.

Crunch Time

It's the start of the busy season I've noticed. Posts going out about practices, the forms seminar is over with the Tiger Challenge coming up, gradings, banquet, practices, practices, practices.

This will be when we excel or not. We have an early banquet to plan and prepare for, with a demo we have not solidified and dances that need to be choreographed and perfected. The pressure will increase but with it so will the benefits and the progress. I for one like this time of year. Not normally when I'm in the thick of it but after, when hindsight is 20/20 and the benefits are clear. This is when we really come together as a team. And, on top of that, this is when we start to plan for the next years challenges. Hope to see you guys on the team next year.

This, That & the Other Thing

So a few things to cover today. Bear with me.

First, the vegetarian challenge. I don't know if I've failed it. By that I mean that I did have meat, but not because I craved it. I cooked a turkey last Monday for my family and during the week it was sitting in the fridge, not moving and not being eaten. I had a choice to either follow the rule of the challenge and let the thing go to waste or to follow the spirit of the challenge and ensure it did not go to waste. So, I made myself a sandwich out of the leftovers. I figured what was the point of the challenge if no real change was being made. Not necessarily to my diet, but to the example I was setting. I mentioned before, I was near this decision anyways because I was beginning to think of the animals instead of the meat. Happy to say it has not gone to waste and is sitting in my fridge reincarnated as soup via my husband.

Next, the cranes for peace project. Sifu Vantuil went above and beyond last year with this project, all accumulating into those couple pictures we saw on kwoon talk. I saw those photos and thought wow. There are our cranes, in Hiroshima, making a statement to the world. So cool. Since then I've started folding cranes again. I went so far as to pick out my 100 pieces of paper in the most awesome scheme ever (ROYGBIV) and have proceeded to fold and string them. I'm currently on green. I'm hoping to get a string back into the kwoon and, with the help of Sifu Vantuil, get the ball rolling again towards this project.

I've committed to the team again for next year. Although I haven't formalized my goals yet I know where I want to go with regards to them. It's the weapon that has me stumped. I'm not big on weapons. I think they look great when others are swinging them around but I've never acquired a taste for them myself. I also have yet to find one that "speaks to me". You can tell when someone finds their weapon- Sifu Robinson with the tonfa, Sifu Krebs with the rope dart, most recently Sifu Lindstrom with the bench. Me? As long as I survive my choice I feel it's a decent year.

Last, forms seminar and upcoming Tiger Challenge. Had a blast on Saturday, it was great to see so many there. It was also great to see the progress made in a couple hours. Goes to show how far someone can go if they used their time well. As for the Tiger Challenge, I'm working my way towards that. I don't know why but I'm consistently skipping over a section of snake any time I perform it. One step makes the difference and I always choose the wrong step. Which means I've never performed the full form to date. Perhaps I can change my record before the month is up.

Getting There

So twice now I've woken up in a panic. The specific of the dreams are unimportant, but the gist is that something was expected of me and I had let myself and my instructors down. The latest was last night, and as a result I started to write a panicky email asking questions and questions and questions. I realized I already knew the answers I'd get and what I needed to do. The rest was irrelevant.

This lead me to reflect (yet again) on the events of the past year. And I came to another conclusion; although I have not followed the path I set myself on I have still managed to make much of the progress I was hoping for. I am stronger than I was in February. I'm happy to say that I've knocked off some pesky weight that I had been dragging around, both mentally and (hooray!) physically. I feel I've advanced in my own training, and although it quite often is the first to hit the back burner it also has spent more time in the front. The projects I set out to do have not been completed, but others that came up and needed attention have been successfully accomplished. I'm growing in my role as instructor and mentor, recognizing that mistakes are inevitable and criticism is what I make of it- I'll grow or I'll wither as I decide. Honest comments are more valuable to me than words that stroke my ego.

The last few weeks have been about a renewed effort. The end is nigh and again, it will be what I decide make of it. I am not the pristine example I had hoped I would be. I should have known by now that my wishful thinking is just that, wishful and wistful. I know I have moments when I shine and moments where I fail, that more often than not I am a walking frustration to those around me. But I live for what I believe in, I strive for what I value and I will make my way through this as I always have; clumsily, not as pretty, quickly or efficiently as one may hope but I'll get there.

I guess this is my "I'm feeling okay about this mess" post.

"If you don't know where you're going any road will get you there." -Cheshire Cat

Apple or Pumpkin?

After a long weekend absolutely full with family and food, I'm overflowing with things to be grateful for as I sit here at my computer. Reflecting on the year as I did in my last blog reminds me of all the turmoil as of late, however it also highlights how I am fortunate. How incredibly blessed I am to have such solid friendships in my life is not lost on me. The recent move towards vegetarianism highlights my ability to choose what I eat or when I eat. The ability to push a button and have the heat kick in or the freedom to express my opinions without fear of harm. All things that are easy to take for granted.

I always think that Chloe has no idea how close she was to becoming another homeless, scavenging stray. How lucky she was to be in the right place at the right time that allowed the two of us to come together, and how I had the ability to provide her with a warm, loving home. How lucky am I to be born when and where I was, allowing me the freedoms necessary to live in a secure environment, never mind adopt a dog.

With all the recent anxiety surrounding our economic situation, today is a good day to reflect and take in how fortunate we all really are. We can still afford our oversized trucks. We can still keep our pantry stocked. We can still afford the time to check our social media pages on our advanced mobile devices or our widescreen monitors and watch the latest Hollywood release on our 3D or 4k TV's. Yes, I'd say it's a good day to take stock of what is important and how much we all take for granted. Yes, this conversation came up this weekend. Ironic, isn't it.

Happy post thanksgiving everyone.

Banana's Suck

So, what has this years I Ho Chuan done for me? I've been thinking about this since it was mentioned Saturday and I'm not sure which way this post is going to go. It's a surprise for both of us!

I know Sifu Brinker sites 2009 as his worst year in general. Well, I'm siting 2016 as my worst year. 2016 sucks. 2016 can go away already. It started with a negative bang and has continued banging away since. Looking back on my posts I can see all the negativity hiding in there. Phooey on you 2016.

I can say the IHC has been most of my silver lining this year. Not that I've accomplished all that I set out to do, climbed figurative mountains or even foothills, but it has kept me going. You people have kept me going. Days where all I wanted was to crawl under a very large rock I instead dragged myself to class, and although I may not have been the most contributing member just being around a bunch a great people gave me something positive to focus on. Thanks for that.

It have given me perseverance. Something that I thought I understood before but really, I knew as much about it as I do about gravity. It exists.

It has given me courage to speak up when I know staying silent would be easier but detrimental.

It has given me confidence to make the right decisions and to stand by those decisions when the entire world is falling down around me, when everyone around me is blaming me and angry with me for those decisions.

It has given me insight into the actions of others, and the ability to see those actions for what they are instead of what they seem to be.

So I say thank you I Ho Chuan and I Ho Chuan teammates. I cannot site 2016 as a great year on any level, including my IHC, but it was a year for life lessons. Many of which I would have missed if not for the IHC and you folks.

Sautéed Mushrooms

So I'm a week into the 30 day vegetarian challenge set out by Sifu Brinker. One thing I've learned- my stir fry skills have not improved. Nick did up a couple steaks tonight for my dad and himself. It was the first time that I really didn't want it. No craving, no looking longingly at his plate. This is vastly different than the last time I took on this challenge. I remember writing a blog titled medium rare with sautéed mushrooms. I remember wanting meat even more, just because I said I wouldn't. I remember chowing down on roast beef the day it was done.

Who knows what the rest of these 30 days will be like but I have the notion that, as Sifu Brinker mentioned in his post tonight, this mindfulness thing might be worming its way into my skull. I know the seed was planted a long time ago. Heck, never mind the seeds, I've had tulip bulbs bouncing off my skull for a while now. My biggest hint that this may be the way to go would have been back in June when too much meat landed me in the hospital four times. Really. No, really.

Thing is, there really hasn't been a huge change for me. I just load up with all the rest of the goodies instead of that steak. A nice side effect is that Nick is eating more veggies too. Although he is still adamant that if it's green it has gone bad. And my mom made me borscht with veggie broth instead of chicken broth. It was awesome.

I'm looking forward to trying those chipotle black bean burgers.

March of the Salamanders

This week has kind of developed a theme for me, although I guess the theme could happen any day of the week or any moment. But for some reason this week it was more apparent to me.

During Wednesday's beginner adult class Sifu Brinker was getting the students to work on asserting themselves grounding themselves. Towards the end he had them pair up, one with guards up and the other hooking the guard and throwing a roundhouse to the midsection. There was an odd number so I jumped in. We drilled, I got kicked, we drilled, I got yanked around, we drilled. I found myself giggling to myself every time I was yanked off balance or kicked accidentally in the ribs. It was nice to get back to the roots and just experience, work with a new white belt and see the progress being made all over again in someone else. I was ecstatic, and I think I was more excited to see her progress than she was. Maybe because I could see it so clearly whereas she was just doing as she was told. Either way, for the first time in a long time I found myself completely immersed in what I was doing without all the distractions and stresses that are persistent in my head. I was happy like I couldn't have been if I hadn't been just living for the moment.

During my own class Thursday I found myself distracted. Not intentionally, but my mind would not stay put where it was supposed to be. I imagine partially due to the illness I'm still battling. However, for a moment I found myself distracted by the setting sun and the storm clouds. Twilight was working its magic. Beautiful. The clouds all seemed just in the right spot to reflect the setting sun. Although I was living in the wrong moment, I was most definitely living in the moment.

Of course everyone pays attention while driving, however at the beginning of spring and the beginning of fall I find myself even more mindful whilst on the road. Around our lake hundreds of salamanders are making their way into the mud of the ditches, which means they're all trying to cross the highway that encircles the lake. I find myself very aware of every little dark spot on the road, steering left and right in an effort not to squish any of these little guys. Now, if I were just in a rush to get here or there like so many others, there would be fewer of these guys come spring. And fewer newly hatched salamanders. Fewer salamanders seems so sad to me- they're a neat little creature willing to give up their tails for you. How could you not like them?

And last, as mentioned during the IHC meeting, this mindful eating/vegetarian challenge thing. It hasn't been the idea of becoming a vegetarian that has been gnawing away at me, but the why. I am cutting up an animal. Not just that, but I'm cutting up an animal that was specifically born in horrid conditions and suffered pain and abuse its entire life so that it could be inhumanely killed, hacked up, placed in cellophane and cooked for my culinary pleasure. I feel like such a self righteous monster when these thoughts surface while I'm preparing that stew. I begin to notice the feel of the knife as it severs the muscle tissues. My biology background kicks in and I can imagine the mechanisms that allowed that muscle to flex and support the animal, all of which I just hacked to bits. I name myself an animal lover and yet allow animals to die unnaturally for me, just so long as I don't watch it happen? Just so long as it's someone else doing it? No, I can't buy into that. I'm creating the demand, I'm responsible for the actions that demand throws into play. Awareness. You can't deny these things if you are truly aware. I think this decision has been creeping up on me slowly, and I just got slapped in the face with it Saturday.

Just so long as no one proves that coffee beans cry when they are slow roasted. If they do don't tell me, please.

Making Progress. ? .

So hows my training going? Been practicing my forms but I'm still not happy with them. The broadsword is the slowest to progress, it seems to me. Probably because I practice it the least out of the three. Weird.

I'm enjoying my tai chi more than I usually do. I remember writing a blog years ago about how I loathed it- so much to remember, so much to pay attention to. Thats definitely changed, I enjoy minding the details and I feel good when I'm doing it.

Pushups are coming along, shoulder is stronger and bothers me less. Although the last few days I've noticed my right shoulder is the one bothering me. My last good joint. Bummer. Sit ups have never been a problem for me, I've always been strong with them even back in junior high when our grade depended on them. I hated the sprints though- I'm not a fast runner. Never was. And I can remember to this day the annoying BEEP which meant turn around and go back. They could have at least picked a different tone that didn't grate on the nerves so much.

As for the rest- I'm walking more and more, strolling with the dogs through the bush as much as I can before the s**w hits. But no, not tracking it, so yes, I'm failing that. Personal goals- I want to start recording forms soon. I wanted to start recording them months ago but this year has proven to be one huge derailment. 2016 is a stupid number anyways. I just need to figure out how and where so that its more than just a clip on my phone. Gardening project- phase one bit the dust due to a lovely buried power line. Phase 2 and 3- we'll have to see, but not this year for sure. The rest of my goals are not progressing as I had hoped and not for lack of trying. One big derailment and many dejected moments.

Doesn't sound promising when I write it out like this.

Fog and Fluff

I just finished taking a look at my numbers. To start with they weren't too bad, and then there was a big, gaping blank spot. I didn't stop doing but I stopped recording, so really, I don't have any accurate record of the last while. Or perhaps the big blank spot is a little too accurate. Huh.

Sifu Brinker didn't say anything last Saturday that I have never heard before. Nothing I didn't already know for myself, but this time something twanged in my head. Something got in there and has been bouncing around since Saturday, and even the fog that dropped when I drove away hasn't completely smothered it. Nothing specific, but for some reason I heard him this time whereas every other time I "heard" him without letting anything stick. As he says, we're all feeling warm and ambitious as the time. Then you leave, and everything gets lost again in the ether by the time you arrive home.

Well, I'm recording again. The numbers are creeping again, although now they look less enthusiastic and overly realistic. I have to invest in a fitbit or misfit or something along those lines again otherwise I'll never accurately measure my miles. I have to remind myself to drink that water again. I have to be mindful of when I do sit ups with the kids classes again. Again again again.

Hopefully the fog stays thin enough. Again.

Meteors

A few nights ago I couldn't sleep, so I go up and wandered outside. I started watching the meteor shower, saw the short lived streaks of light fading into non existence. Saw the stars behind them continue their glowing presence. It was beautiful.

Sometimes, remembering our insignificance in the grand cosmos can be daunting. When you look up and come to grips with exactly how much is above us and all around us that we cannot see or touch. Sometimes its depressing. That night however, it was comforting. That everything comes and goes just as quickly and just as brightly as those meteors. Just how quickly or brightly depends on the meteor. But the world never stops spinning, continues on anyways. I find that comforting.

"Good Enough"

I came across the blog site of someone I know who wrote the following; "If something is 'Good Enough', it is not mediocre, but neither is it gold plated. Perfection is the enemy of Good Enough, life is too short to waste on trying to build something perfect...".

I have to say, this rubs me the wrong way. In my mind the very definition of mediocre is 'good enough'. Not good, not bad, moderate quality. How would you like to be on your deathbed and think "My life was mediocre.". Sadly, most of us don't think that far ahead until it's too late.

So we have a chance. I do not want to know that anything I did was merely good enough. That the legacy I leave behind is merely good enough. That at my eulogy the only honest thing spoken is "she was good enough".

No. A life spent in the pursuit of mastery is not wasted. What is a blackbelt here other than a perfectionist control freak who understands the benefits of striving to be better. Why would a life spent always trying to do better be wasted? Once I reach perfect mastery then I'll say "Good Enough".

Never Too Old for Playtime!

First, quick update on my tummy issues. Doctors finally figured out that I had become hypersensitive to fats and MSG, causing my gallbladder and everything else to freak out any time I ate. So after a couple weeks of a bland, mostly liquid diet my system was able to reset and I'm back to normal.

More recent update, I somehow managed to break a bone in the back of my hand racing a friend in an inflatable obstacle course. I was winning to. Managed to finish the course, but lost unfortunately. So the result of that is I now have a half cast on one arm and an iv in the other and get to have surgery tomorrow to place two titanium screws in my hand. My first broken bone and a pick a great one to bust. So don't freak out if you see me at classes tonight with extra hardware. The way I see it is this just just my first step towards my lifelong goal of a bionic body with a titanium spine. One small piece at a time. Incremental progress, right?

So, no pushups for me. Unless I learn to do them one armed with a bad shoulder. I also think I'm past my quota for hospital trips this year. But those are some beautiful looking bones, are they not? Ignoring the broken one...

If Only...

So did anyone else watch Kung Fu Panda III and at the end hope that DreamWorks somehow had the quick, easy answer to mastering chi, maybe some magic philosophy that connected all the dots and pow! you're a chi goddess? Yeah, that was me.

Funny, things don't work that way. But then the rational side of me kicks in and thinks, well if it were that easy everyone could do it and it wouldn't be worth the pursuit. But that doesn't stop the dreamy side of me from wishing anyways.

I feel like have some of the necessary understanding, many of the necessary tools. What is lacking is the ability. Years of training behind me with many more years ahead of me before I can make a flower bloom. It's intimidating. You can't see any immediate results so you can't help but wonder if you're making any progress. I wouldn't want to find out after years of trudging down the path that I'm on the wrong path. There are few markers to tell you if you're heading the right way. Only a few moments that just seem right or moments when yeah, I can feel it, but am I feeling my chi or am I just having circulation problems in my hands?

Then, you meet people who figure they have it all mastered after a couple days at some seminar and poof! they have the ability to heal me. Look, there's a certificate on the wall so it must be true. I shake my head and think to myself, after 20 years I'm finally at a point where I stand a chance of learning this stuff and she's telling me that after 20 hours she's a master. I must be missing the world's largest piece of the puzzle here. Or maybe they just understood the lesson better than me at the end of Kung Fu Panda.

By the way, the yin yang move at the end doesn't work either. No glowing paw pads here. Looks cool though.

Jiggs

Just before my high school graduation my bf at the time wanted to get me a grad gift. I remember very distinctly telling him not a puppy. My parents and I did not need another dog (we had 7) and I knew that his parents had a new litter of Pomeranian puppies looking for homes. So I had an idea of what his plan was and told him no puppies.

A few weeks later, I had a new puppy. A tiny ball of fluff. He could fit in my dad's shirt pocket. My mom named him Jigger. The name fit, as he was a tiny, dancing ball of fluff.

Alas, I moved away a couple months later and could not bring him along. From day one he wasn't my dog, however. He claimed my dad, and my dad fell for him. Forever more he was my fathers dog.

It's true what they say, that dogs and owners reflect each other. Jiggs would never leave my fathers side, and bark like crazy if dad left without him. He rode in the milk crate on the quad with him and at meal times would be found at my dads feet, waiting for his share. He was loyal as only a dog can be.

Jiggs is gone now. He passed while I was away, and even though he was never truly my dog he leaves a hole where a tiny fluffy dog used to be. It's a cruel joke, how you can become so attached to a dog and their lifespan will never match your own. I guess that's part of the reason why they mean so much to you.

I'm Just Ranting

My apologies, I find it hard to fill people in on some topics without it sounding like I'm complaining. Thats not my intention.

So, yes, I'm having some sort of health meltdown at the moment. After three days in and out of the hospital I have no concrete answers, just some maybe this, maybe that? from the doctors. After a night of agony I was sent home with pain meds and a promise of an ultrasound to confirm their suspicions (gallstones, they believe). The medication is helping and I feel like a human again today. A very cautious human, as too much bounce in my step or the wrong foods set me off.

So where does this leave me now? I have some very mixed emotions. Unlike physical injury where I know what is wrong, why it's wrong, what not to do and where I'm headed, today I'm feeling skeptical, worried and guilty. Yeah, I know, guilt is useless. Doesn't mean it's not present. I can't do what I wanted to get done, what I promised I would do, what I feel I need to do. Yeah, I have lots of other things I can be working on, projects and things on the other side of the coin. But that is not where I feel I'm lacking. I want to fix what I'm lacking and it seems that as soon as I find the motivation to do so my body lets me down and in turn I let those around me down.

I'm sure that I'll come around, shake it off and get back on track. It's not the first wall I've crashed into, not the last. I know there are others in worse situations, with fewer opportunities. Gallstones are not a big issue. The associated pain will pass. But the feeling of being useless... sucks.

Appreciation

The last night we were camping I decided to wander down to the lake we were by and see what was interesting Chuck so much. I saw a beaver swimming by, but he was more interested in the little creatures near the shore. Frogs. There were several frogs floating nearby and the oddest thing happened. They started to sing. Not the ribbit or croak you'd expect. They chirped, a sound I had heard many times and always believed to be birds. I rustled Nick away from the campfire and his buddies and he too thought it one of the most unusual things. It took me to the last night we were there to notice.

It makes me wonder, how many things in this life go by unnoticed? How many beautiful moments are not lived simply because we are too busy to see?

We managed many great moments while buried in the bush. A moose liked to frequent the opposite shore and bob for lake weeds. A couple bear cubs, indicating it was time for us to move on. Several deer crossing our path and an osprey pair tending to their nest.

I'm home now, missing the wilderness, however I still have the feeling of awe. My irises, daisies, flax, asters, poppies and mountain lilies all in bloom, not to mention the dandelions in the foot deep lawn. My cat has been following me around yowling, singing his happiness. I still get to listen to the frogs and birds chirp.

Habits

This is what I get when I put my toque on and get within ten feet of where we keep the dog leashes. Guess I'm a creature of habit, and my dogs know it.

Not all my habits are so harmless. For instance, tightening my shoulders. I felt it last night, and the feedback I got from Sifu Beckett confirmed that it makes a noticeable difference. This, at least, is something I'm aware of and working on.

Well, I'm working on creating other habits, while working to break some old ones. The next couple weeks will certainly throw some kinks in, but if I stay mindful the next couple weeks can also work to reinforce what I've been working towards.

Planting Seeds

I have a friend who used to be in a different martial art as a teen. She was looking for something to put her son into and started talking to me about kung fu. She mentioned that she wanted something that would teach him discipline and give him confidence- I told her that is what we were about. She went on to tell me that she did not like her old school very much, that they were not very invested in your success unless you signed a contract and you were required to compete in tournaments. I recently found out that her son is now attending this same school, strictly because their price tag was lower.

So figure that one out. She knows what her she wants for her son but is unwilling to invest. As with anything, you get what you put in. Financially or otherwise.

What benefit is there from short term gain if you receive nothing that you were looking for? Seems to me like a wasted effort. In the short term, it is easier to write a cheque than to put yourself out there and act upon your beliefs. But what are you going to receive? Nothing will change, no one will hear what you have to say. A year from now you will wonder why the world is in the state it is as you once again write that cheque.

Sifu Brinker has mentioned this dozens of times now. Yet it has always been something I've struggled with although logically I understand the consequences of my inaction. This year I'm trying something different- I'm putting myself out there and having those conversations, even with those people who are of a vastly different opinion than me. This weekend was a start- a long debate with the neighbours over everything from Earls to Trudeau to the tar sands to Syria. It was't the most productive conversation, but maybe, just maybe I planted a seed. And thats what we're aiming for, isn't it?

Off topic- that photo is of scarlet flax. I just planted those seeds too. Hurrah.

Noodle Soup

I wonder how many people have stopped to think about why one of our biggest events is named the Pandamonium. It's not because someone didn't know how to spell when we named it. Most know it's inspired by Po from Kung Ku Panda. But the name isn't just because our fearless leader is a fan of Jack Black.

There is no secret ingredient.

Cool line. Even cooler when you thing about the connotations behind it.

At any given moment you are capable of anything. There is nothing more you need, it's all inside of you right now. Perhaps there are feats you are physically or mentally unable to complete, but you have the ability to take the first steps towards anywhere you'd like to go, anything you'd like to do. And you will make it there, if only you keep striving forward.

So what does this mean? Each one of us has the ability to shape the world around us, for better or for worse. We have the ability to inspire others to think beyond the screen in their hand or the paycheque at the end of the week. We as humans have more influence on our environment than any species before us, which means we also have more responsibility. We have control over what we put into our bodies, which means we choose to live healthy or not. We decide to be kind, compassionate and empathetic or we ignore, enabling suffering, apathy, destruction.

The Pandamonium is about spreading awareness. Not just of suffering animals, people in need or the state of the environment. We need to become aware of our ability to fix these things and our influence on others to do the same. Things will change for the better in the world if we reach enough people. But to reach the world we need to start with ourselves. One person believed he had the ability to reach others. It spread to a school, who has spread it into the community. Its already started, we just need to keep striving forward.

I'm happy that I can say that I think I had a breakthrough with the snake form. I'm not saying its flawless, but I'm more comfortable with it. And, according to Sifu Beckett, that is what you need if you want to perform snake- most of the challenges are in your mind, related to how you think you look whilst wriggling around in an attempt to look deadly.

As I've mentioned, I only feel comfortable practicing on my own with no witnesses. During one impromptu practice session in my kitchen with no one watching (minus the cat begging for food) and I understand what she was telling me. She told me you need to feel like a snake, deadly and venomous, and move in a way that no one around would dare laugh at you. Because really, who would laugh with a viper in the room?

So I tried. I just let go of my inhibitions and tried to feel it. And I felt better when I did it. And I felt like I looked closer to what I was trying to mimic.

So the next challenge; finding that happy place with people in the room. Still not there, but getting there. I felt a bit more comfortable practicing it on Thursday, although I can't say that I was in as a productive state of mind as I was in my kitchen. But, one step at a time. Calls for a small victory dance (woohoo!).

Redemption

It's good to hear that everyone enjoyed and thrived during Thursday's class. Sifu Brinker is right, you all are so far beyond where the team usually is, we could almost put a demo together now. And you guys will only get better with time.

I think I was the only one not happy with my performance. I realized how badly one year off the team affected me, my performance anxiety hasn't been that bad for years. I didn't think much about a year of no performances but the results were obvious. Coupled with being the last one to perform and performing someone else's form, I lost my head near the beginning and never recovered.

So the main thing on my mind since then is redemption. For the first time I'm wishing for another performance date so I can perform it the way it's supposed to be done, at the level I should be capable of. And perhaps perform snake too. Get over my jitters. Again.

Forms Update

So, how goes it? Me, depends on what you're referring to. I'm making good headway on Sifu K. Csillag's broadsword form. It has proven difficult just because I have been altering it a bit to flow better for how I move. You'd think the would make it easier, but sorting out two very similar sequences is harder than just remembering his sequence. Regardless, you've created a great form Sifu Csillag, and I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Thank you.

Tai chi short hasn't been getting the attention it deserves. I'm pleased that I managed to pick it up again in one night after so many years. I knew it once upon a time, so I felt it was about time to get it back. I like it and I don't have an excuse not to do it more frequently considering its significantly shorter than 21 minutes. I owe thanks to Sifu Vantuil for this one.

Snake. Yeah, I'm talking to you, snake. To begin with I was loving this form. Now I love it, but it doesn't love me. I'm finding I'm having a very difficult time doing it justice, moving in a way that satisfies its goals. Sequence is firm, but the subtleties are vast and noticeable if they're missing. This one is proving quite the challenge I daresay. Sifu M. Beckett- thank you. And how do you do it so snakey?!?

Villy

Yesterday marked the last day that my mothers dog Villy was here. I say my moms dog but I considered her my dog too. She lived with me for years before her Houdini ways forced me to give her to my mom where there were no fences to escape. Months ago she had what we believe was a stroke, and has been deteriorating quickly since then. It seemed like she had a second episode about a week ago, leaving her stumbling, confused and scared, so earlier this week we made the decision to let her go. The vet told us it may have been a tumor. I held her as she left us.

Its been a rough week and the last couple days I've been trying to inject a bit of awesome into my world. Little things, like wearing my most awesome cat t-shirt Thursday, taking a bath yesterday, bringing Chloe to class this morning. They work while you're in the moment. Then life returns and I have to put on a different shirt.

How do you make those moments last without just ignoring the rest of life? And without letting the rest run you down?

Banquet

First, I'm still here. Spent the better part of four days asleep, battling fever and one heck of a headache that still won't leave. But I'm still here.

This year's banquet was different for me than any other, and probably not for the same reasons as everyone else. It was the first year that I was not officially a part of the team. It was the first year I was not in the demo and the first year that I did not help with the set up or tear down. I felt very much separate from it all, and I didn't like it much. Maybe it was the headache.

The banquet itself was great, you guys really did a great job with the organization and all the performances. Congrats to everyone who was recognized or promoted, and to the rest of you who made it happen. I'm sorry I wasn't a bigger part of it.

It kinda sucked when I realized I wasn't needed. But I guess thats the whole point of a team- if one person stumbles the rest are there to fill in the gap. So thanks guys. It was a great night because of you.

The Not Stage Fright Stage Fright

So in this past week I've already been on then off then on the band wagon. I love weekends just like normal people, but this last long weekend really threw a kink into my new, young schedule and for three days I didn't do much other than pretend I was an electrician. I had time, not saying I was too busy, but I cannot bring myself to work on my requirements or do a set of sit ups when someone is in the room. The little bit I do at the kwoon when everyone is there is about the extent of my public practice, and only because I'm surrounded by others doing the same thing and I can get lost in the crowd. I've been with Nick for 10 years but I can't for the life of me practice in front of him.

I don't understand it. I have no problems teaching a room full of people, staring at me and trusting me to have the answers. But I can't do my own thing. It's infuriating at times. Last Saturday I had asked Sifu M Beckett for some feedback on my snake and I noticed the dragon dance team was standing right there, some with their faces turned to me. I almost stopped, but I didn't because I had asked her for her time and did not want to waste it. But it's hard to be mindful about what you're doing when you're so mindful about everything but what you're doing.

So this makes it hard, considering this is supposed to be a public journey, show the school what you're made of and how to drive for mastery. I'd much prefer to work on my own, in the privacy of my living room in the middle of the day when the world is at their day jobs and the only witness is the cat. Is this stage fright? I've done performances and demonstrations, dance recitals, taught seminars in a room full of professionals. Given testimony in a court of law. Explained haploid diploidy to a room full of university students. Ran a small school. So no, I don't consider this stage fright.

To me, it's the one time when being mindful is a hinderance.

Power of Journaling

A long time ago my mom gave me a whole bunch of stuff from my childhood. Old clothes, doll clothes, schoolwork and baby pictures. She also gave me a journal she had kept during my first year.

I read the journal this morning. I was looking for something else and came across it, decided to flip it open and the first thing I saw was something about playing with my dad and brother one morning. I flipped to a few other pages then sat down and read it from one end to the other. Quite a bit about how I was a smiling happy baby, but I always acted shy around my grandmother. How Rene loved me but we fought over toys, and how I could hold my own against my 2 1/2 year old brother. How my first word was cat and I would laugh when they came in the room. How my mother loved me.

I've had this journal for quite a while, but I was never very interested. Obviously it was about a part of my life I didn't remember and I didn't have much interest in hearing about how many times I napped, or my first vaccine. But that wasn't what it was about. My mom was just writing about the day to day activities we shared, how I played with my toys, about the blouse my Oma made for me, about how I was the only baby who didn't sleep in the car or how I was always happy to get back home.

I'm very thankful to my mom now for taking the time to write these things down. They are small things but I find that now they mean the world to me. I could tell by her writing that she loved me and she told me how I would make her laugh.

There it is, the power of journaling. Small things that make up a larger picture, that can affect us even thirty odd years later and is now working, making me want to make her proud all over again. Motivating me to better myself.

Love you mom, and thank you.

Losing Battle

I got my windshield replaced a couple days ago and whilst waiting for my car another fellow came in for a rock chip repair. As he sat down he started talking to me, so I put my book down and smiled politely. He started off telling me about how he got the rock chip. You see, his F-150 was only 2 weeks old, and while driving down 37 someone passed him and he got a chip in his windshield. This man went on to tell me how he chased the offending vehicle all the way to Fort Saskatchewan, but alas, he got away.

The man then picked up the newspaper and started flipping through it. I went back to my book. He started chuckling in a way that was meant for me to notice, so I looked up and saw he was looking at the sports section. He begins to tell me how overpaid these players are, the Oilers are a joke and he hasn't watched a game since the strike. They're all overpaid babies. If one of them lost all their teeth in a fight he would laugh.

What do I say to that? I said nothing and went back to my book.

Then he asks me if I knew Trudeau was in Alberta. I said no, I wasn't aware. He says to me I'd love to meet him. I thought to myself really? Wow, maybe I misjudged him. Then he continues to tell me that he would love to meet him face to face but the encounter would probably land him in jail with assault charges.

I wanted to ask the man if he was happy. Is this how you always converse with strangers? Start with the negative and go from there? Is there anything that would make you happy, or does everything everyone does offend you? Because it was obvious his shiny new expensive truck and steady job (by the way, he was there getting the chip fixed on his private vehicle on company time) wasn't enough to make him happy. As often materials things don't.

This encounter made me sad. It's hard not to pity people like this. They see only the negative and if something beautiful was in front of him he would probably only get mad that it was in the way. What do you do in a situation like this? I was not about to argue the merits of our new pm with a stranger in business lobby. But I was not about to encourage him either.

So I read my book. I want to help people be happy, but sometimes you just don't know how.

Deviation from the Norm

With the year of the sheep winding down, my first year not on the team, I'm finding myself looking towards the upcoming year rather than reflecting on the year past. It was a spectacular year, one not soon matched or forgotten.

I'm back on the team. It was never up for debate, I knew I'd be joining up again after the first month out. As it was so elegantly phrased, it's the follow through I was lacking in my previous years. I'm reminded of what Phil says to Loki, "you lack conviction". And look what happens.

Living on the outside would not do, not if I wanted to achieve my goals, conquer the world. So as of February 8th I'm back on the inside.

Although I still have to iron out a few details regarding my goals, I'm finally walking into this with a game plan, and not just 'do my stuff, repeat'. I want to give myself the chance to succeed this time, and not just mostly but completely. I have some fairly major plans that are first and foremost in my mind and they will stay firmly planted there until I see them through. I've taken the first steps, so now it's just the follow through I have to worry about. If anything can be learned from the past it's not that I never see my goal through, it's that I need conviction to follow through to the end. I've got it now, and with the teams' help I'll maintain it through to the end.

For the System

Sometimes it's easy to forget that this kung fu stuff we do is an art. It has personality and grows to reflect the individual who is practicing it. The practice of it changes depending on your mood and state of mind. It evolves, sometime for the better, sometimes for the worse. But it always evolves.

As a student I learned long ago that I needed to let go of the constant analysis. Trying to nail down an art using physics and facts is like trying to nail down water. Good luck with the attempt. I learned that the answer will be there when it's needed as long as I train for the system instead of the application. And quite often I have the answer myself, if I just give myself a chance to find it.

Kung fu is personal, yes, however you need a firm grasp of the basics and the system before you can successfully innovate. If you skip ahead and try to modify a technique such as chi sao or calming the ocean before its lessons are firmly in your mind then you'll loose the lesson. One class worth of practice, one week or one month is not enough to solidify a concept. If you are successful in finally understanding the concepts then you will have no need to try and change a technique, you will have the ability to adapt it as necessary. The technique is not the goal. The concepts behind them are.

Investments

I can tell you without exaggerating that the kwoon does literally hold my blood, sweat and tears somewhere in some form. If find that a fairly significant fact for me. It tells me that I have a lot invested into my training; time and effort and everything in between.

There have been times where I've wanted to walk away from it all, thinking life would be much simpler, much easier and less stressful if I did. No one to be accountable to, no one noticing how much I did or didn't practice, no one to answer to when I make dumb decisions. But I've never left. Once I started thinking along those lines I started getting scared, wondering. If I were truly honest with myself, how far would I let myself slide in life?

Not saying that I feel I'd turn into some horrible person. But I know I'd be a less awesome person. I wouldn't be reminded to be active. I wouldn't have the confidence to stand up for myself. I wouldn't have the desire to be kind.

It's a slippery slope. Once you skip that first class, the second is easier, it doesn't matter so much. Once you miss a day of push ups it's harder to complete them the next day. Why does it seem that it's always easy to fall down and so hard to pick yourself up?

Skipping that class or that meeting or those pushups do not relieve the stress. It does not make life easier, simpler or better in any shape, way or form. Completing those push ups make me feel better. Being at class relieves the stress I feel, gives me structure and desire to accomplish great things. All those investments I mentioned, they'll pay off if given the chance.

I'm glad to back on the team. See you where the grass is greener.

2015 2016

I've been catching up on everyone's blogs this morning and felt compelled to mull over the change in the year and the passing of time. I can't say I'm sad to see 2015 end. It sucked. But I also can't see how 2016 will be any different, what, just because I had to change the calendar on the wall? Red heelers mixed with blue heelers instead of just the latter. Big change.

The change in the date is inconsequential. I remember writing about this last year and my opinion obviously hasn't changed. The only real change comes from within, when people feel compelled to "start fresh". Perhaps the date triggers this but only because its a reminder of the passing of time and therefore the lack of or wasting of time. Or, perhaps less negatively, the ability to cherish our time, make the most of our time.

So I suppose it does make sense, that ringing in the new year also signifies an new beginning. It is, after all, the biggest annual reminder of the passing of time. But therein lies the problem- it only occurs once a year. So I say lets build in a few more of these renewal dates. How about once a month. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it? Then once a month we can reinvigorate ourselves, do a spot check and move off again in the right direction if we find ourselves going astray. Sounds solid.

Everyone sees where I'm going here, eh?

If you hear me yelling "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" at our next meeting don't be surprised.